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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Do you know The Muffin Man?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, June 17st  , 2014.

It occurs to Us that We were remiss yesterday in not wishing you all a Happy Belated Fathers Day.  As well as a Happy Belated Flag Day. Not to mention a Happy Belated Fannie Flagg Day. (No, really…don’t mention it.)

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to The Lovely Messapotamia, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And Happy Birthday to Pete, aka BoPeep, who also turns twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (on Your) Back.

Speaking of near remissnesses, We were also remiss in not sharing a sighting We had this weekend with YouPeople.  We were wending Our way down South Street on Saturday afternoon, en route to Our murder mysterying adventure,  when We found Ourself pedestrianating behind A BabyMama.

Said BabyMama was pushing the baby-in-question’s perambulator with one hand, while smoking her cigarette with the other.  She was wearing an oh-so-stylish crop-top, and a pair of designer jeans that were clearly in a size closer to the baby’s than hers.

Consequently, there was an entire BAKERY’S WORTH of muffintop, just bustin’ out all over. It was as if Jesus His Very Own Self had skipped over the loaves and fishes and instead multiplied the muffintop to feed the multitudes.

And across the vast expanse of that Messiah-multiplied muffintop, there was a tramp stamp.  In, We must confess, beautifully executed cursive script.  (Yes, the tramp stamp consisted of words, not the usual tribal symbol for “deliveries in the rear”.)

What did it say, you ask?

“Ms. Good Pussy”.

“Ms.” because girlfrannnn is OBVIOUSLY a feminist, you dig.  And “Good Pussy” for reasons which are clearly self-explanatory.

Etiquette forbade Us from whipping out Our phone to create a photographic record of this work of art, so you’re just gonna have to take Our word for it.

You’re welcome.

Oddly enough, We have no further reports about candy penises (penii?).

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Barry Manilow’s birthday.  So there’s that.  Also, it is Venus Williams’s birthday.  And, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us, just in case We are clueless (as, to be fair, We often are when it comes to sports-related things), Venus Williams is a FEMALE Tennis Player.

And here, due to time constraints, in lieu of call-and-response with Kelli The AssHatted AssHo (that’s short for “Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)”), a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It's nice to have you back. Welcome to Madame Olivia.

A trusted advisor of Madame Olivia's reminds her that thinking of the Whole Project is stultifying when you're trying to get down to work on it: you've got to break it into little pieces. In fact this advisor says that you can't even think of the whole project when you're sitting down to work but only of the bit in front of you. In the words of Annie LaMotte's father advising his 10-year-old son on his overdue bird paper, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird." You will find yourself engrossed in your work, which is one form of heaven.

Now, powerful little Aries, Madame Olivia would like to suggest something to your hard-working self: it is time for a break. You've driven yourself so hard for such a stretch that you could be headed for a spot of trouble if you don't take a breather. Do not feel guilty! You have earned some leisure.

Word of some import for you at this time: safety

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

For your next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy Madame Olivia!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.