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Monday, June 16, 2014

It’s the little things you do together…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManiacManhandlingManicottiMonday, June 16st  , 2014.

We trust you all enjoyed the remainder of your Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day!  We were going to go ahead and declare it Kevin Bacon’s Ass Weekend, but We had to work, so We figgered, why bother?

Speaking of work, shout out and thanks to Our friends Rene and Ed…when We walked out of work on Saturday night, We ran smack dab into Rene, in her car, there to pick up Ed, who occasionally plays piano at Our restaurant.  They gave Us a ride home, which made Us happy out of all proportion, and saved Us all manner of time, trouble, and shoe leather.

You see, in the absence of said ride, We would have either walked seven blocks to the bus stop, where We would have waited from one to thirty minutes for a bus, or We would have walked all the way home (insert “wee-wee-wee” here), which, We just learned from mapquest, is approximately 1.8 miles, and how the hell We weigh more than a pound and a half, having done said walk on numerous occasions, one such occasion being on Our way TO work that very evening, is completely beyond Us.

To make a long story short (too late), Gentleman Callers who are weighing the pros and cons of proposing marriage to Us may add to Our list of virtues “Is Made Inordinately Happy By Little Things”.

(Oh, shit…now watch all the Gentleman Callers with Little Things come crawling out of the wood work…)

If, perchance, you are a naked skimmer who bypassed the preceding scintillating tale of adventure, and are still wondering what the hell “Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day” is all about, go here: 

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jessica, who may or may not turn twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

And Happy Belated Birthday to Nick and Robert, who each turned twenty-four over the weekend.

Also, Happy Belated Birthday  (in his very own paragraph (because We?   Have that power)) to OurMikeDoh, who turned twenty-four yesterday in between shows at the Arden.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: 


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

In other news, just last week, they were performing their sketch comedy class final and hurling candy penises (penii?) at Us, and this past weekend, their pixtures were all over SitOnMyFaceBook in caps and gowns as they gradumatated.  Bringing a tear to Our eye, as We wondered, “What the hell are you wearing under that gown?”

Speaking of candy penises (penii?), apparently, when it rains candy penises (penii?), it pours candy penises (penii?).  In what can only be described as a Candy Penis Co-Inky-Dink (heh…see what We did there?), after having been barraged by candy penises (penii?) on Monday, We encountered them once again this weekend, as a bachelorette party attended Our murder mystery.

We still find it odd that they are not cream-filled.

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Geronimo’s birthday.  Which is a wonderful thing, as We coincidentally have a long list of people who should jump out of airplanes.  Preferably without parachutes.

Today requires careful planning on your part (Well, of COURSE it does….otherwise, after those first few folks jump out of the airplane with no parachutes, the rest of ‘em might catch on.)

— and fortunately, your thinking is deliberate. (We THINK We can, We THINK We can…We’re like The Little Engine That Could.  Except more like The Little Engine That Couldn’t Even.)

It’s a great time to absorb all the variables and come up with something bold and unexpected.   (From the people who brought you Kevin Bacon’s Ass Day…)

For as long as you can remember,  (Remember what?)

the word ‘no’ has had a strange, but not entirely negative, effect on you.  (How exactly is “no” not negative?)

When spoken in a certain tone of voice, it elicits an irresistible impulse to rush right out and do whatever it is you’ve just been warned against doing.  (Mmm-hmm…because it’s not so much rape, it’s surprise sex.)

Try to warn any innocent bystanders against using that word in that particular tone now. (There are no “innocent bystanders”…there are only “potential scapegoats”.)

When you’re playing the game of love, attendance matters!  (Having hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place doesn’t hurt either.)

If you haven’t been getting the results you desire, just step up your efforts.   (Alternatively, eff up your stepports.)

Take a little time to rethink your profile or, better yet, try a different site.  (What?  And abandon OKStupid?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.