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Thursday, June 12, 2014

Black strap molasses, you’re my orange blossom honey bear.






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For that “not-so-fresh” feeling…), June 12st  , 2014.



Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



We have precious little to report today…no candy penises (penii?), no fillum festivals, no epic nuclear poops at the Barnes & Noble, no rock-and-roll numbers in which We hump the stage…



Sorry…Our needle got stuck.



Never, however, let it be said that having nothing to say will stop Us from talking.



First and Formsoa, We are murder-mysterying tomorrow…on Friday The Thirteenth (dun-dun-DUN).  Is anyone interested in discount tickets to same?   We can get you $20 tickets for a four-course dinner and the show (drinks and gratuity not included).  See description here: http://www.bistroromano.com/mystery-theatre/  and get at Us if you wanna come.



Seconal, OurAmericanCousin Kelly (not to be confused with Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) (and all-around AssHatt) Kelli (you can tell the names apart because AssHatted AssHo Kelli’s name ends in an “I”. Which is dotted with a smiley face.  Except the smiley face has crossed eyes, and looks like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump)) sent Us an ad this morning in which marshmallows were roasted, hollowed out, and filled with shots of Kahlua™. We countered that amaretto or Frangelico™ would probably also be good, and a subsequent source suggested Baileys™.



Unfortunately, the only info We have is what appears to be a Kahlua™ ad, with a picture-perfect picture of the result (which see: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/82120393180477856/ ), with no step-by-step instructions on how to accomplish same without involving One’s local fire department.



So, Gentle Readers, have you ever roasted marshmallows in your home, presumably in your oven, in some way that would be controlled enough to achieve these results?  Leave Us comments…



ThurstonHowellTheThird, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).



A random WorldWideInterWebNetzian headline: Celebrity Crotch Sniffer Vitalii Sediuk Sports Brad Pitt Tank Top For Community Service





Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):





And here’s the HorrorScope:



Meanwhile, from The Celebrities Whom No One Knew Were Still Alive And Who Are Having Birthdays Today:  Jim Nabors.  And Vic Damone.



Cultural inspiration is coming your way.  (Oh, good…bring on the marshmallow makers from Madagascar and Mozambique…)




It could be artistic or literary or almost anything else, but you should be able to weave some new threads into your tapestry by the end of the day.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King.)



(That was a joke for the old folks.)



(We DO mean Carole King and not Carly Simon, don’t We?)




It might do you some good today to step back from your crowd of friends (Yeah, it’s crowded alright.)




and look at things from an outsider’s perspective. (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)




(That was a joke for the less-old folks.  And the nerds.  And people who like jokes that aren’t funny.)




You’ll finally see things as they truly are, (You’ll shoot your eye out, you’ll shoot your eye out…)




 which will either reinforce what you were hoping for (Hedwig tickets?)




(You thought We forgot about that, didn’t’cha?  But We?  Have a mind like a steel sieve.)




 — or make you feel like big changes are in order.  (Alphabetical order?  Or order of height?)




If it’s the latter, don’t be alarmed. (If it’s the Latter Day Saints, on the other hand, pray that it’s Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss.)



(That was a joke for The Gays.  Of all ages.)





Do what feels right, (Alrighty, then…Wes Ramsey and Steve Sandvoss, here We GO!)




and don’t shy away from explaining yourself.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We are so frequently at a loss for words.)




People respect the truth, (You can’t handle the truth!)




and they’ll respect you for speaking it.  (And Aretha Franklin for singing it.)



(Another joke for the old folks.  Who may or may not be black.  But who definitely like The Jokes That Aren’t Funny.)




You’re ready to learn all about someone new, but if they’re somewhat retiring, they might feel overwhelmed.  (If they’re retiring, aren’t they more likely old than new?  Just sayin’.)




Watch for clues about their comfort zone, and make sure communication goes both ways.  (Doesn’t communication BY DEFINITION go both ways?  AssHatted AssHo.)




Namaste, MotherFuckers.






In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.