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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Turn around, Bright Eyes…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, June 4st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Colin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Colin is one of the most beautiful people We have ever been privileged to encounter in real life.

What?  Not EVERYTHING is a joke.

Okay, here’s a joke:

Once upon a time I was falling in love,

Now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do;

I totally shit when I fart.‏

We have been meaning to Cher that with you for several days now, but apparently it was meant to age like fine wine first.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Bonnie Tyler.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Langston Hughes.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Langston Hughes as Yitzhak?  (As if you actually know what Langston Hughes looks like. (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Angelina Jolie’s birthday today.  Which is actually helpful.  Str8 boi readers, if you were (subjunctively) to see Angelina Jolie in real life?  That’s what seeing Colin is like.

Again, not everything is a joke.

Okay, so here come the ramblings of Kelli, AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…what’s the opposite of “extraordinaire”?

It’s easy for you to dream up new ideas today (Oh, We have no shortage of ideas!  Energy, ambition, finances…now THERE We have shortages.)

 — creativity is your best asset!  (On a related note, is a small ass an “assette”?  If so, what’s a large ass?)

(Who said “Jumbotron™”?)

Follow up anything that sounds good and see where you end up. (Is it wrong that We just started singing, “Follow the yellow prick’s load”?  Because if that’s wrong, We are apparently incapable of being right.)

You may need to coax someone who’s a bit timid.  (It’s not so much “rape” as it is “surprise sex”.)

You’ve been pushing hard, but take care that in the quest for success you don’t lose sight of what’s most precious to you.  (In the quest for success, wouldn’t said success be the most precious thing?  What the fuck are you talking about, Kelli?)

Are you planning to work again during your free time?  (No, but We ARE planning to twist again, like We did last summer.)


An afternoon in the woods, (Someone told Us a story the other day (hi, Jonathan!) about getting lost in the woods.  It didn’t sound very amusing.  (The experience, not the story.  The story was amusing, because We didn’t have to actually BE in the woods.))

at an amusement park (Also unamusing?  Amusement parks.  AreWeRight?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “unamusing” is not a word.  So what IS the word, then?  Nonamusing?  Disamusing?  Kelli?)

or even just picnicking in the backyard can make an enormous difference in everyone’s spirits.  (Only if you bring plenty of spirits along.)

Today is a great one to do something spontaneous!  (Fine!  How’s four o’clock for you?  Can We schedule some spontaneity for four o’clock?)

Take the afternoon off for some fun in the sun, (If you’re gonna have “fun in the sun”, you need to take off more than the afternoon.  Just sayin’.)

 or plan an adventure with friends.  (Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine…)

Just don’t sit on the couch and let life pass you by. (Would that We could sit on Our assette.  Alas, We fear We have entered Jumbotron™ territory…)

Get involved!  (Not until you tell Us how to get exvolved when We’re done.)

Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.

Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.

The say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.

You'll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.

Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.

The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.

You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.

You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.

Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."

This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.

While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.

Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.