Had the bingo-bongos done…shake your new maracas and you’re fine!

Greetings, Epistle Response Infuriates Corinthians---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, January 8, 2010 (So. Happy Friday, to those to whom that still means something. Some of Us learned that it had snowed (snown? snew? (Nuttin’…what snew witchoo?)) overnight by reading it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning. (If you’ve ever been to OurHouseWhereWeLive, you will realize that there is no earthly reason to EVER look out a window.) Speaking of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, apparently WorldWideInterWebNetzian wimminfolk spent all day yesterday updating their SitOnMyFaceBook statuses with the color of their brassieres to promote “breast cancer awareness”. Now, We’re very sorry, but if you can operate a computer, navigate the WorldWideInterWebNetz, and maintain a SitOnMyFaceBook page, and have STILL managed to remain somehow UNaware of the existence of breast cancer, We really think you need to just back slowly away from the keyboard. Also too, half of you ladies who spent the day coyly typing things like “lavender” and “aubergine” know d@mn well the real answer was “dingy off-white because it won’t quite come clean in the wash”. Jeebus.):

(Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird ™ wants Us to change “aubergine” to “aborigine”. Proof positive (as if proof were (subjunctively) still required) of the heteros3xuality of Bill Gates.)

(In still other news, We just realized yesterday that the reason people have names is so you can talk about them behind their backs.)

(“Killer bees attack GLEE!” Who dreams up these things? We do. Literally, dreams. And yet, We are not employed in some creative field somewhere. The world is a cruel place. And yet, not at all unusual.)

(Speaking of creativity, OurHouseWhereWeLive, and executive decisions, We have decided that We like OurHouseWhereWeLive oh so much better with a Christmas tree in the middle of it. So We may just leave it there. Because We can.)

(Well, time to get on with Our-O-Scope, before We go to pillage the Ack-A-Me. (For those of you who are jealous of Us (yeah, right) because We can go to the Ack-A-Me during the day on a weekday, let Us just assure you that, while it is indeed less crowded than on evenings or weekends, the people who are there are all old, and, consequently, everything takes just as long as it would if it were crowded.))

(Oh, and, speaking of shopping, and jealous, would it be wrong to point out that, as of yesterday, We have about half of Our Christmas shopping done for next year? Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful…)

You and your family are entering a time of renewal (What are We, library books?)
-- which is extremely important, of course, but can also be intensely uncomfortable. (Almost everything is intensely uncomfortable when you’re wearing a brass brassiere.)

(Words to live by, no? Ladies…raise your hand if your SitOnMyFaceBook status yesterday was “brass”. Anyone? Beuller?)

Remember that it doesn't last very long and ride it out. (That’s what she said. Also, that was Our nickname in high school. You say “horoscope”, We say “wh0rehouse”, let’s call the whole thing awful.)

You're already famous for being aggressive, (True. And yet, no matter how aggressive We get about being famous, We just can’t seem to cut it.)
but to say that you'll be a bit bold in your approach to someone new won't quite cover it. (Well, ya better cover it, ‘cause it’s COLD.)

You'll be well past bold. (And yet, nowhere near beautiful.)

In fact, you'll cross over into a behavioral territory that can only be referred to as brazen. (As We just said earlier, almost everything is intensely uncomfortable when you’re wearing a braz brazziere.)

(Some of you were no doubt expecting a nun joke, using the phrase “bold, brazen article”. We are, however, too young to have been taught by nuns who said “bold, brazen article”. When WE were taught by nuns, you could already see their feet.)

So if a third party (Wait…there’s a party?)
is foolish enough to stand between you and the object of your affection -- well, let's just say they won't be standing in that spot for long. (“They won't be standing in that spot for long.” (Hey, We ALWAYS do what We’re told…We were taught by nuns. (Taught by nuns…raised by wolves…hmm…the similarities are frightening.)))

For better or worse, your love life isn't a cheesy sitcom: There's no soundtrack and no pat, formulaic ending. (Also, no cheese, no sit, and no com. Basically, there’s a test pattern and not much else. Sigh.)

Instead, the situation is much more real, touching and, yes, complicated than that. (See? And here all y’all thought “sitcom” meant “situation comedy”; turns out, it means “situation complicated”. “SNAFU”, on the other hand, means exactly what you always thought it did.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes. Happy weekend!)


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lily. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn't everything. It could well be that you'd be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that's virtually certain.
the cowgrass goes in before the name goes on

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