Greetings, Educating Retard’s Idiot Cousins---
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, January 06, 2010 (We just realized all of a sudden that today is the Epiphany. (We wish We could take credit for that joke, but We cannot. One of Our ex-sons-in-law said that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning. (It occurs to Us that there may be those Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers who prefer their jokes to be more of the “p00p” variety, and who, consequently, find the preceding joke too suBtle for their tastes. Because, here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, We are NOTHING if not the suBtlest suBtle that ever suBtled. We shall, therefore, pause here and wait while you go and read it again. Try not to move your lips.))):
(It is also, as the more astute (to say nothing of the moribund) among you will be aware, Hump Day. However, as you will also be aware, We ran out of jokes about that YEARS ago.)
(Meanwhile, the movie buffs among you will be champing at the bit to share your trivia knowledge that “Educating Retard” was the working title of that Michael Caine movie back when Nicolas Cage was originally supposed to play Caine’s role. Which segues Us nicely (what’s a segue? About a pound and a half) to this, which is safe for work (whatever THAT is): http://niccageaseveryone.blogspot.com/ )
(And now, before We arrive at The Horoscope Proper (because, in addition to being suBtle, We are also nothing if not Proper), We have a complaint (you’re shocked, We realize). While We are grateful not to have to be dragging Our ever-increasing @ssz out of Our cozy bed at the cr@ck of said @ssz in the morning to haul it out into nuclear winter and put it on public transportation, We can still feel Ourselves being slowly but Shirley overcome by Our usual Seasonal Affective Disorder, the telltale signs of which include general malaise (more than usual, even), agoraphobia (fear of sweaters (see what We did there?)), and the expansion of every mundane task to at least four times its normal length. So Our question is this: what jackass thought THIS would be a good time of year to switch to a new year and talk about resolutions? Why not wait till the beginning of the ASSTROMALOGICAL year in March, when there are some signs of things like renewal, and spring, and fresh starts? Must We think of EVERYTHING around here? Jeebus!)
(In other news, for those of you who have JAWBS, and are bored (did We just redundantly repeat the same thing twice? We think We did), here is a little safe-for-work game to drive you mad: http://armorgames.com/play/4309/this-is-the-only-level . You’re welcome.)
Today's third quarter Moon phase is all about reorientation. (“Reorientation” is, of course, the science of calculating how many Orientals you can fit into a Toyota. See also: Chinese fire drill. (SuBtle, Proper, and Politically Correct, We are.))
Choices that challenge you to rethink how you're juggling career and relationships are likely. (Have you met Us? Because, if you had, you would realize that We have not the hand-eye coordination for the juggling. We would be hard-pressed to keep ONE ball in the air, so it is totally unclear to Us what We’re doing with two. (Isn’t the suBtlety simply PENETRATING in here this morning?))
Inner frustration (Was Our nickname in high school?)
is designed to bring your complete awareness to a simple concern you've been avoiding. (Wait…you mean buying PowerBall™ tickets does NOT constitute a financial plan?)
With the Moon in diplomatic Libra, (That’s amore! When an eel bites your heel while he’s copping a feel, that’s a moray.)
talking through your decisions helps you make the right one. (The phrase “talking through your hat” just leapt unbidden into what passes for Our mind. And, while We understand what it is meant to convey, We are not exactly sure of why. Stay here for a moo-moo while We go do a little research….We’re back, with this: http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/41/messages/131.html . It may or may not be true, but ya gotta love any elucidation that has Mormons in it.)
It's not a day for going it alone, (Well, then WE’RE sh1t-outta-luck.)
so draw on the support around you (Mmm-hmm…speaking of support, if We’ve been waiting for a return email and/or phone call since, say, July, can We pretty much assume it’s not coming?)
- both at work and in terms of relationships. (That ship has apparently sailed.)
Reorient (With six, you get egg roll.)
your inner compass (Was that an ass joke?)
so you have a better fix (Heroin…it’s what’s for dinner.)
on what needs most of your attention now. (Attention and asstension, you will note, are two different things.)
Is it work or love? (Also, I wonder, wonder who, oh tell me who, who wrote the book of love. Also also, who names their band “The Monotones”?)
(YOUR-O-Scopes…hey, We gots a Epiphany tree to puts up.)
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passersby will actually fall over laughing.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
cowgrass...it's in there
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21 hours ago
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