Let's all congratulate us with another cup of tea. A very merry unbirthday to you!

Greetings, Excedrin™ Reduces Inflamed Colon:

(Heh. Instead of Our usual row of dashes, We put a colon after “Colon”. Are We ten of the funniest people you know, or what?)

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 11, 2010 (Happy Monday to all of Our faithful readers who are out in the world Mondaying. Here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope Headquarters, We have almost had a terrible snafu (gesundheit (thank you)). We were dawdling about, working Our wits up to begin Our quasi-daily screed (Quasi-Daily Screed being, of course, the name of a Norwegian archbishop (no, We have no idea….just go with it)) when We chanced to dip a toe into SitOnMyFaceBook, which promptly informed Us that today is the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity. No, no, sez We; according to the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar, the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity is not till Wednesday the 13th. But, being the stickler for details (and dickler for sea snails, but We digress) that We are, We trundled right on over to MizCynthia’s very own SitOnMyFaceBook page (which, it will surprise no one, is entitled “SitOnJohnnyDepp’sFaceBookPage”) where We learned that the anniversary of MizCynthia’s nativity is indeed today. And, since she is only turning twenty-four, she is not yet so advanced in years as to have forgotten the date of the anniversary of her own nativity, so clearly the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar is wrong. (You’ll never see Kelli @sshat Fox making an admission like THAT.)):

(All of which is a very long roundabout way of getting to: Happy birthday, MizCynthia!)

(Careful readers who are also sticklers for details/dicklers for sea snails (that just doesn’t get old, does it?) will recall that one of the only things We regretted about losing the back-alley ab0rtion that used to pass for Our job was the fact that We ALSO lost Our daily calendar, which contained birthday information that may not have been housed elsewhere. So, if you are a Faithful Reader (or, especially, an Old Faithful Reader (look out for that geyser!)), and We should neglect to felicitate you on the anniversary of YOUR nativity, please do not be offended, and by all means point out Our omission to Us, so that We can amend Eric’s Daily Horoscope Official Birthday Calendar for future reference.)

(We now return to Our regularly-scheduled Our-O-Scope, already in progress.)

(But first, for Our fellow LOST fans, this, from Our friends at Dr.CoolSex: (work safe (despite the name Dr.CoolSex)) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHo4WwO2Uc )

A Sun-Venus conjunction, as they link Uranus tomorrow, (Hey! WE do the Uranus jokes around here, ThankYouVeryMuch!)
suggests you could be in line for achieving great success professionally. (Mmm-hmm. But first, We’re gonna need a profession. We were thinking of “h00ker with a heart of gold”, but (A.) there’s that whole “heartless” thing, and (2.) We can’t even give it away. Sigh.)
It may come as surprise (SURPRISE!!!)
but this is your destiny. (Wow. When did THAT manifest itself? (Heh. From the people who brought a colon after “Colon”, possibly the first-ever “Manifest Destiny” joke. Wildly entertaining AND madly educational, We are. Always after me Chucky’s arms…they’re spastically auspicious.))

(Whaddaya mean, “off Our meds”?)

You are setting the foundations (Easy sleazy beautiful CoverGirl™.)
for something that can catapult (catamaran, catatonia, catawumpus)
yourself to new heights of success, building into a rich empire over time. (Oh, sure. We catapulted to the heights of success, and all We got was this lousy empire.)

But wait (There’s more! Mail before midnight tonight and receive this complete set of Ginsu steak knives. So that, if you ever figger out what the fu(k is a Ginsu steak, you’ll have something to cut it with.)
a couple of days till Mercury is direct and the New Moon to set things in motion. (Okay, even if you totally ignore the “Ginsu steak” part, there’s STILL something wrong with that sentence. And yet, this b1tch gets paid, and We don’t. The h3ll?)

A partner could be instrumental in your success, (Oh, so now all We need is a partner with an instrument? Of course, with Our luck, it’ll be a tuba. Or a glockenspiel. Jew’s harp, don’t’cha know. Tissue paper and a comb. Our world, and welcome to it.)
so don't be afraid to share the limelight. (Also the key lime pie. Because, mmmm, pie.)

No one could take the place of your creative genius behind this operation. (Yeah. That’s just what We were thinking. Except, of course, for the creative part. And the genius part. Operation: remove funny bone. Ha. Ha. Ha.)

(YOUR-O-Scopes. Read ‘em and queef.)


Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a Chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodeling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it through the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you've never met.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodeling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
you sweet talker, cowgrass crocker

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