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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Lizzie Borden took an axe, gave her mother forty whacks, so Lizzie Borden isn’t fizzy, is he?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 19, 2012. Happy birthday to Lizzie Borden, who would be a hundred and fifty-two today.  If she were (subjunctively), ya know, still alive.  Also, happy birthday to Jared Padalecki, who’s thirty.

(We don’t actually know who Jared Padalecki is, but his picture on the famous birthday page was cute, and he apparently is on a TV show where he runs around shirtless with Jensen Ackles.  What’s not to love?)

And that is the sum total of what We’ve got here this morning, folks.  Our supply of Wit and Wisdom has clearly reached such a  paucity as to be a full-blown dearth.  (“Full-Blown Dearth” having been, of course, Jared Padalecki’s nickname in high school.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need to start something new today — it’s in your blood. (Is it just Us, or does it sound like the “something new” should be a course of broad-spectrum antibiotics?)

(Kelli’s audio horoscope is playing in the background.  She just referred to “testy Uranus”.  We can only imagine.)

Try to dig deeply into your well of ideas, as there’s a good one that’s been dormant for far too long. (We had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.)

Push forward and have fun!  (Bend over, Jared Padalecki!)

When was the last time you sat down and had a nice long heart to heart conversation — with yourself?  (Oh, please.  Since Our red-delicious-apple-cheeked boarder departed, We have nothing butt (heh) conversations with Ourself…Ourselves…(The Royal We is difficult.  However, if you Google just right on Wikipedia, you can find a picture of Prince William, with The Royal Weenis in his hand, having A Royal Wee.  There is no accompanying text to tell One what pronouns he was using at the time, but if you interrupt him and he pees on your shoe, it is Royal Etiquette to pretend not to notice.))

(You’re welcome.)

Having an internal conversation will do you a lot of good right now, (A mental enema wouldn’t hurt, neither.)

and help you come to terms with a few things that have been difficult for you. (Colloquial Sanskrit is difficult, no?)

Turning to friends and family members for comfort is always a good idea, but ultimately you will find the right answers deep inside of yourself. (Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles:  find the keys, and you can drive out.)

Right now, you are the best person for the job of taking care of you.  (Does it pay well?  It’s not one of these bullshit intern jobs, izzit?)

This new person in your life is intoxicating, but are they really all that? (We’re intoxicated…who cares?)

Examine the effect they have on your life and regularly scheduled programming. (If only We actually HAD regularly scheduled programming…)

Remember the word ‘intoxicating’ does include the word ‘toxic.’  (It also includes the words ‘into’ and ‘cat’.  What the fuck is your point?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.