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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, July 18, 2012. Happy birthday to Ted, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.   Neither of them is actually reading this, but then, who is?  Also also, happy Hump Day to the rest of you, although We are fairly certain that it is too hot to hump.  (“Too Hot to Hump” was, of course, Cole Porter’s original title for the song “Too Darn Hot” from Kiss Me, Kate.  (Kiss Me, Kate was, of course, originally titled Bend Over, Bitch.  It was based on Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, which was originally entitled Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Your Vagina In The Mo-o-o-rning. (It is a little-known fact that Shakespeare actually coined the word “vagina”.)))

Just a little Broadway history to brighten up your day.  We apologize for  our absence yesterday, but We were busy collecting and entertaining The Sainted Mother, who stopped by The City Of Brotherly Love Handles en route to Annapolis, where she will be auditioning midshipmen for the Altoona Community Theatre production of Dames At Sea. Yes, ladies and genitals, the entire 2012 graduating class of the US Naval Academy, in drag as Bernadette Peters, tap dancing to “I Can’t Dance, Don’t Ask Me (Or Tell Me)”.

Speaking of famous people, on Our way to collect The Sainted Mother yesterday, We saw that lady who couldn’t be bothered to finish being Governor of Alaska on the subway.  We have sworn never to utter her name in these pages, but you know who We mean…she’s the one John McCain thought was a better running mate than Mitt Romney.  Fittingly, she was on the subway going in the opposite direction from Us.  Meanwhile, today on the subway, We rode in the very same car with Justin Bieber.  He didn’t even deign to speak to Us, despite having once appeared in a  video with Us:

Apropos of nothing, here is Our Pasta Puttanesca recipe.  (Pasta Puttanesca actually means “whore-style pasta”, so perhaps it’s not literally apropos of nothing.)

Olive oil for sautéing
6 cloves of garlic, chopped
One 2 oz. can of anchovies, including the oil they’re packed in, chopped
One 8  oz. jar of oil-cured black olives, pitted and chopped
One bunch of parsley, chopped stems and leaves separately
One 3.5 oz. container of capers, including the brine they’re packed in
Two 15 oz. cans of diced tomatoes
Oregano, to taste
Crushed red pepper seeds, to taste
One pound of whole wheat pasta (spaghetti, linguini, fettuccini, etc.)
Shredded parmesan or Romano cheese

(Please note that none of the amounts in this recipe are gospel.)

In a deeper-than-just-a-frying-pan pan (so you wind up with less of a mess), heat enough olive oil to cover the bottom of the pan, plus the oil the anchovies were packed in, to shimmering.  Stir in chopped garlic, at least six cloves, but more is better.  Once that starts to stink, throw in the anchovies.  Once you can smell them both equally, add the olives, followed by the parsley stems (save the leaves for later).  When the parsley stems are cooked, add the capers and their brine.  Once the brine has evaporated, add the tomatoes, oregano, and crushed red pepper.  Cover and simmer  for at least half an hour, but really, as long as you want (you can also make the sauce ahead of time and reheat it while the pasta boils).

Boil the pasta according to package directions.  After it is drained, toss with the hot sauce to coat.  Just before serving, throw the parsley leaves all over the top.  Pass with parmesan or Romano (We use Romano, because it’s more flavorful.  And whore-y.) cheese.

Serves 4 as an entrée, 8 as a side, or Anna Maria Alberghetti

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’re heading home in one way or another. (We are home.  Pay attention.)

You may be on your way to a reunion, (Oh, lookee there:  blind pig found an acorn.)

or you may just be finding a place that is more comfortable and will work better for you in the long run.  (All things considered, We are fairly comfortable right now.)

If there’s a party coming up, (Perhaps that pig is only pretending to be blind.)

make sure that you are one of the first people to arrive — and don’t forget to wear your dancing shoes!  (Trust Us, nobody needs to see that.)

You need to boost your energy into high gear, (So have a big ol’ heaping helping of Whore Pasta.  (“Heaping helping” made Us think, for some reason, of Hamburger Helper™.  Which, to the best of Our knowledge, does not have a Whore Pasta flavor. (It also occurs to Us that, in a world where Hamburger Helper™ Whore Pasta exists, Stove Top Stuffing would be a pastime instead of a food.)))

(Ba-DUMP-bump.  ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaiter, and TryTheVeal.)

(Also, don’t forget to tip your waiter’s cow.)

and dancing the night away will be the perfect way to do it. (Would you suggest, then, that We should be twisting the night away?)

Even if you feel the need to hibernate at home, (As opposed, presumably, to hibernating in other people’s homes, which would be peculiar to say the least.)

it will be wise for you to get out into the world tonight. (Or have some whores over and make pasta.)

Give yourself an hour or two in the presence of fun people, and your mood should swing in an exuberant direction.  (Exuberant.  Day-um!)

Even if you don’t do things right the first time, you don’t have to always hit the reset relationship button. (Wait…there’s a button for that?)

You can still learn from your past mishaps in love. (You say “mishaps”; We say “midshipmen”…)

Be aware of what worked and what didn’t. (Well, the Anna Maria Alberghetti joke totally didn’t.)

Patterns reveal plenty. (What about slatterns?  What do they reveal?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.