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Monday, July 23, 2012

So take a letter, Henrietta Maria

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherMandibleMonday, July 23, 2012.  Mandible (adj.): capable of being manded.  See also: Jeff Coon and Mandible Must Die, coming soon to a Philadelphia Fringe Festival near you.  Well, near you if you’re in Philadelphia.  Otherwise, not so much. The name’s Dible.  Mandible.

It occurs to Us that if We had a stroke while We were typing this, and just kept right on typing, nobody would ever know the difference.

So the summer is just whizzing on by, no?  Not unlike watersports at an asparagus eaters’ convention.  (Although not especially like it, either.)

(For that joke to work, of course, One must assume (thereby making an ass of Oneself and Uma Thurman) the existence of asparagus eaters’ conventions.  Watersports are more or less a given.)

Speaking of Oneself, We have just returned from Maryland, where We attended a Starfish-Browne family reunion.  Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

We were specifically in Annapolis, but unfortunately We only had one midshipman sighting, and he was one who, if We were (subjunctively) a fisherperson, We would say We would throw back, as he was not big enough.  (If We were (subjunctively) a FisherPricePerson, We would say “Weebles™ wobble, but they don’t fall down.”   In fact, We may say that anyway.  Because it’s more fun.  And, being blond, We have?  More fun.)

We must hustle on through these proceedings this morning, as We have The Sainted Mother returning from HenriettaMariaLand today.  She stayed on an extra day to tend to her sister, who fell and fractured her face.  (We are NOT making that up.)  You would think there would be a story there, but actually, she just tripped, it didn’t happen AT the Starfish-Browne family reunion, and neither liquor nor fisticuffs played a role.


Also, we just found out We have to go shopping, as it is Daniel Radcliffe’s birthday, and We haven’t a thing to wear.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Try to pitch in when you see something that’s not working out at the office or at home  (Ugh.  Yet another office dream last night.  Although in this one, We did manage to kill someone.  Sort of accidentally.  Manslaughter, ya know.  Funny how “slaughter” is only one letter away from “laughter”, and yet they don’t rhyme.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: you wouldn’t think that many things could fit in Uranus and not make noise”.)

— you don’t need to wait for the distress signal before snapping into action. (This makes Us think of the BatSignal.  We are beginning to become truly distressed by the number of str8 bois who actually seem to believe that they ARE Batman.)

Your initiative earns kudos.  (Your insouciance earns Kit-Kats™, and your impotence earns Butterfingers™.  But just you WAIT till you see what you have to do for a Klondike™ bar.)

(Heh.  “Butterfingers™”.  We kill Us.)

To add some sizzle to your day today, all you have to do is mix up your routine!  (Oh, please.  We haven’t had a routine for over a week now.  We may have to take up baton twirling.)

(How many of you are pixturing Us twirling a baton right now?   (Extra credit if the baton is flaming.  (No extra credit if We are.)))

(Would any computer geek out there care to explain how We just typed “extra” but it came out “0065tra”?)

 It’s a lot easier than you think, too. (So are We.  Not that anyone gives Us an opportunity to prove it.)

Try a new route to work, try something new for lunch, or try talking to a friendly-looking stranger. (Only if they have candy.  (Who woudja do for a Klondike™ bar?))

Little things can make a big difference and transform your perspective — (What would MC Escher do to MC Hammer for a Klondike™ bar?)

and a new outlook may help you make major progress on a tough project. (Once again, Kelli is writing sentences whose meanings would not be obscured by translation to WingDings.)

Life is made up of moments, and you should make a few of those moments surprising.  (SURPRISE!!!)

Where’s your time going? (HenriettaMariaLand.)

You’re investing too much energy and time on one particular person right now and receiving little if anything in return. (How do We know which one?)

Stop taking their calls — they’ll get the hint.  (Heh.  We now know exactly what Pixture Du Jour Au Jus to use today.)

(Gotta go…there appear to be two male porn stars doing something on a ladder in front of the house across the street.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.