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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

If you had Tom Cruise's troubles, you might be Tom Cruise crazy, too



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, July 3th, 2012.   Happy birthday to Ryan, who turns twenty-four today.  (If We were (subjunctively) to learn that Ryan is actually reading this e-pisstle, We would no doubt have some manner of coronary event.  Culminating, possibly, in Our coronation.  As Queen of Norway. (A girl can dream, can’t We?))

As for the rest of you, Happy Tom Cruise’s Fiftieth Birthday!  Years from now, when you look back on this day (and you will), you will reminisce wistfully (unless you lisp) on where you were when Tom Cruise turned fifty.  “I was reading Erix Daily Horoscope,” you will say, “on a computer, I think.  This was, of course, before Erix Daily Horoscope was distributed directly to the microchip in Our brains.  Starzina had just been mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.  Again.  Ah, the Good Old Days!”

(Does Norway even have a royal family?  Does anyone know?  And, more importantly, are there hottie Norwegian princes?)

Speaking of hotties, We spent last evening celebrating the birthday of one particular hottie of Our acquaintance who recently actually did turn twenty-four.  For the first time.  We’re pretty sure We were wearing panties that were older than he is.  Oh, sure, they said “Tuesday” on them, because We’re fashion-forward like that.  (See what We did there?)  But they also said “1987”.

Ba-DUMP-bump.

Is Tom Cruise reading this, do ya think?  We follow him on Twitter…maybe We should send it to him.

Speaking of celebutards, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should)http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)


Here’s the HorrorScope:

Hey there — slow down!  (Or, if you’re a musician, ritardando.  (“Ritardando” is, of course, named after an Italian retard.  Who played the xylophone.  With his tongue.  He had a Siamese twin sister (the commute was a bitch) who played the ocarina while dancing the Macarena, but there’s no need to go into that here.))

You’re moving way too fast for the day’s pokey energy, (What about the day’s Hokey-Pokey energy?  Because that’s what it’s all about.)

and you may risk a stumble or worse if you keep up this pace.  (Quick, somebody put a quarter in Our pacemaker!)

Try to just follow along with others for the time being.   (We are the Queen of goddamn Norway; We do not “follow along with the others”.  Jeebus.)


 You’ve been riding high on cloud nine for quite a while, and deservedly so. (We were going to be all hip and trendy and hep to the jive and make a “bath salts” joke here, but then it occurred to Us that We had no idea if One snorts them or swallows them or what.  So We went to Google them on Wikipedia and it turns out there is actually a bath salts drug called “Cloud Nine”.  How smart are We?)

But you will have to come back down to earth very soon (Ground control to Major Tom (Cruise).)

(We have no idea.)

— so get prepared for a big dose of reality today. (Our Sistah Ovella is coming to take Us to the Homo Depot.  Where We shall finally pick up the hinges We ordered last week.  (Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, We have been unhinged all this time.  We know you’re shocked.))

It will come in the form of shocking news or an update about a friend’s relationship.  (Those of you who follow Our bouncing balls closely will have already seen this, but, pursuant to Our discussion with Our hottie twenty-four-year-old friend last evening, here is a link to Our most recent republication of Our 2005 excerpts from Katie Holmes’s diary:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/just-small-town-girl-livin-in-lonely.html )

(What kind of cake do you think We should have the Norwegian royal bakers bake for Tom’s birthday?  Is pineapple upside-down cake too blatantly powerbottom?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think “powerbottom” is a word.  No comment.)

If you can try and stay grounded in your everyday life, (You can’t ground Us…We are the Queen of fucking Norway!)

(Shouldn’t We be blonder?)

you can balance the good days (There are good days?  Plural???)

and the bad days and not be affected by the roller coaster ride that life can take you on from time to time.  (That’s Our life…just a big ol’ amusement park.)

 Keep your feet on the ground.  (That’s no way to hokey-pokey.)

What inspires you?  (The Norwegian national anthem, and Tom Cruise’s underwear drawer.)

(Amazing how We develop these themes, innit?)


Build your day around some stuff that stimulates your heart and mind — go to a matinee of an interesting film, play in the park, check out a museum, walk across town and see what you see.  (Do you think they sell bath salts at the Homo Depot?)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.