Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 26, 2012. As if this week weren’t exciting enough already, Happy Helen Mirren’s Birthday everyone!
Yep, that’s all We got.
There was a really loud fly buzzing around OurHouseWhereWeLive earlier. We sprayed him with Raid™. He’s dead.
Did We mention that it’s Helen Mirren’s birthday?
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Try to really pay attention to what people are saying today (Sorry, did you say something?)
— otherwise, you may find that you’ve got some serious confusion by this time tomorrow. (No doubt. We are awaiting the droppage of several Other Shoes. Leading Us to wonder just how many Other Feet these people have.)
Things are better if you open your heart. (We’re pretty sure things are actually better if We open Other People’s hearts. With a chainsaw.)
A smile will turn out to be more valuable than a big wad of cash today. (Fine. You keep the oh-so-valuable smile; We’ll take the big wad of cash. Because We’re funny like that.)
So go ahead and use your charm to get what you want. (Some fucking leprechaun ran off with Our charm.)
Why not? (Thank you, Nancy Negative.)
It’s a great way to make someone else happy while you also make yourself happy — so, really, everybody wins. (Where the hell’s the fun in that? We wanna watch people LOSE.)
You have skills (That’s “skillz”. And they are MADD.)
and talents (Hey, kidz, let’s put on as show!)
that are in high demand. (Well, sure. Now that some idiot told people they could pay for things with smiles, fercrissakes.)
Utilize what you have in order to get in on what someone else already has. (Does that sound dirty to you? Because it sounds dirty to Us.)
This is not manipulation — it’s just an honest transaction. (So is prostitution, but you can still get arrested.)
When all else fails today, (And it will.)
look at your inner bright light for solutions. (You mean Our inner dim bulb?)
You’re a true original (We are also Extra Crispy. But no one gives a shit.)
— problem is, you lose sight of who you are and where you’re going. (Oh, is THAT all?)
All that external stuff doesn’t matter. (Not in YOUR fantasy world where We can pay Our bills with a smile.)
It’s the awesome life you lead and the fantastic people in it. (See Also: Other Shoes, Droppage Thereof.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.