Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, July 7, 2012. Happy birthday to Our American Cousin, Tracie, who turns twenty-four today.
Lest you think We do nothing around here but make big long wiener jokes, today We will be discussing quantum physics. No, really. There is, apparently, something in quantum physics called the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. We are not certain (heh) what it is, but We certainly don’t like it. There is enough uncertainty in this world as it is (if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound? How old is Charo? What color is Schroedinger’s pussy?) without some clown in lederhosen whose name in German means absolutely nothing to come along and add more.
Because, you see, Our response to uncertainty is generally inactivity. We, much like some character or another in Alice In Wonderland, unless We’re mixing that up with some other book, shall simply Wait And See. Because, in any situation with two possible outcomes, one is generally more bad and one is generally less bad. Now, you would think that, this being Our life, the more bad outcome would be statistically favored, but it isn’t. In fact, almost exactly half of the time, the less bad outcome actually occurs. Whereupon We find that it is even worse.
See? Quantum physics. And here, you thought We were just a pretty face.
To lighten things up a little, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that outside? It is as hot as Medusa’s asshole. Also, We should sign up immediately for police officer training. So We could become a police officer. We can see Us now…hell, at Our size, We could be BOTH Cagney AND Lacey. (You’re pixturing that now, aren’t you?)
Speaking of Medusa’s asshole, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
How peculiar that We were just discussing Ringo Starr in these hallowed pages the other day, and here it is, his 72nd birthday. Happy birthday, Ringo, and much love to your wife, Brenda, and your daughter, Starr Jones.
You feel inspired once again — and it may be time for a big change in your life! (Oh, lord. Are We STILL wearing Our Tuesday panties?)
That could mean that others have to accommodate you, so don’t feel too put out if you have to explain multiple times. (Hey, if they accommodate Us, We shall put out. What’s your point?)
Today you should be wary of people taking advantage of you. (Just today?)
If you give certain people an inch, (Just what are you implying?)
they will surely take a mile. (Whereupon, they will get a Camel™, yes?)
It’s not that you shouldn’t be friendly and generous like you usually are. (It’s not?)
It’s just that you have to keep an eye out (Like that hooker in that joke that We can never remember except for the punchline.)
for people who are asking for too much too soon. (Too Much Too Soon having been, of course, Our nickname in high school.)
Plan ahead of the needy people who might try to get on your good side (We have a good side?)
— have your boundaries set early, so that when they cross them you can remind them to step back and give you space. (Give Us space? SPACE? Honey, space don’t butter the biscuit.)
Being single doesn't mean you're all alone feeding 20 cats from your armchair while watching cop show reruns. (Are you certain of that? Because right away, you seem to have tied together Our Today’s Themes of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, Schroedinger’s Pussy, and Cagney and Lacey.)
Find people with similar interests by joining a local club or hobby organization. (What the hell is a “hobby organization”? Is that like a hobby horse? (Come to think of it, what the hell is a “hobby horse”? Or is it “hobby whores”? (Engrish is Our second language. Tongues is Our first.)))
You might find datable members! (What an odd way of putting it! If We’re going to date them, they had BETTER have members.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.