Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManChickMonday, July 16, 2012. We trust you all had a lovely Bastille Day. Thanks to everyone who came out for The Match Game this weekend, making it Our most successful Match game to date! As We may have already mentioned in this space, Our Fringe show this year will be entitled The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, and stay tuned here for an announcement about some Very Special Fringe Preview Performances in August.
This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz: Life isn't about winning. It's about shaming others into forfeiting.
In other news, We have about a million and two things to do today, and yet We are dutifully e-pisstlizing all over YouPeople. And both the million and two things and the e-pisstlizing are at odds with Our new life motto, “Don’t just do something, stand there.” Oh, sure, you laugh, but We have acquired valuable information in at least three instances recently using this very technique. Which is no mean feat for an Aries, lettuce tell you. Mayhaps this is some of that “wisdom” that One allegedly acquires with advancing years. We wouldn’t know, of course, being only twenty-four, but perhaps We shall refrain from asking an older friend, thereby inducing them to tell Us.
See how that works?
And from this morning’s Urban Dictionary: axehole (n.): A person who uses an obscene amount of Axe™ body spray.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
In other news, We still have a million and two things to do today, and now all the stores are going to be closed in honor of Corey Feldman’s birthday? Jeebus.
Communication is important today — but keep it short and sweet. (Fine. We shall use WingDings: if you can read this, bring your dick over and We shall suck it dry.)
(It is amusing Us no end that Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to know that “We” is grammatically incorrect.)
At least one colleague or family member starts to derail the conversation with digressions and distractions, but you can politely keep them on track. (Or, even more politely, We could keep them on crack.)
Do you think that just because you’re moving at an oh-so-rapid pace that you are being oh-so-productive? (No, because the million and two things are still undone.)
Silly you! (Cricks are for squids.)
Look down at your scrambling legs right now, and chances are you’ll see you’re on a treadmill, running in place. (There is absolutely no chance of that whatsoever. Have you even MET Us?)
Sure, you’re working up a sweat, (You must have translated those WingDings.)
but you’re not getting anywhere. (Fortunately, many of the million and two things need to take place right here.)
You need to start making the decisions that you need to be making. (Who decided that?)
Avoid focusing too much on cultivating an impressive image. (Duh.)
Clark Kent had Superman. (Is there a video of that? Because We would enjoy a video of that. Especially if Tom Welling is involved.)
Now it’s time for you to develop your own alter ego. (Hmmm…what sort of alter ego would Starzina Starfish-Browne have? Is puzzlement.)
Be detailed, down to the kind of clothes he or she wears. (We already have quite enough to do today, thank you.)
The next time you’re feeling shy, (Again, have We met?)
bring them out instead. (Out of the closets and into the streets.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.