Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, July 27, 2012. Please ensure that your tray tables are in the upright position, as We are about to begin Our descent….
Is it just Us, or did July only have four days in it this year? Suddenly, it is almost August. We would make an effort to go Downa Shore, but industrious environmentally-concerned children would probably keep trying to roll Us back into the ocean. Sigh.
We continue to await the Other Shoe Droppage to which We alluded yesterday. (The word “alluded” just made Us think of Quaaludes (because We are mentally unbalanced that way), as in “whatever happened to Quaaludes?” Apparently, they are no longer manufactured.)
We now return to Our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.
In lieu of further scintillating witticisms on Our part, here are some random tweets from The Twitter:
All registered sex offenders must report immediately... TO THE DANCE FLOOR!!!
Put an ice cream sandwich in your pants. High five a cat. Yell at some Tupperware. Congratulations! You're my grandpa!
When I was just born the doctor took me in his big strong arms and that was when I knew for sure I was gay as hell.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Actually, the past tense is 'hanged', as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though.
Important life lesson: never accept a burger from a clown if you're not at McDonalds.
A lady on Facebook sent a message telling me to fuck off because I didn't accept her friend request. SORRY, LADY, I'LL ACCEPT IT NOW; YOU SEEM GREAT!
Remember, kids, if you ever catch on fire: 1. Open the door 2. Get on the floor 3. Everybody walk the dinosaur.
Don't you hate it when you're trying to text and you hit every green light?
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show.
No, I flicked a cigarette butt NEAR your baby.
"That's what SHE would have said if women were allowed to speak!" --Saudi Arabian office joke
Here’s the HorrorScope:
It being Bobbie Gentry’s birthday, We should probably mention that Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge. But We won’t.
(Sometimes, the humor in here is so highbrow, sophisticated, and existential, even WE don’t get it.)
(This is not one of those times.)
Use your smiles and charm to get your way today (Wasn’t she just telling Us crap like this yesterday?)
— people are much more likely to pay attention if you just quietly ask them if they’d mind obliging you than if you issue demands. (Could you oblige Us by quietly expiring and then tossing your corpse in the dustbin? Ta ever so.)
(Gawd DAMN! We sound like the fucking Queen of England!)
Smiling faces get told yes a lot more than frowning faces do, (And yet, each of Our faces seats five.)
and that is something you need to remember throughout the day — (What?)
especially when you enter a new situation. (Or a nude situation.)
(That was a callback to Our beached whale joke from earlier. Trouble is, it wasn’t funny the first time.)
Lead with your charm, and expect everyone in the room to fall in love with you — after all, why wouldn’t they? (Perhaps because, like everyone else, they have met Us?)
Thinking positive — as well as being positively charming — will get you into places you never thought you’d be able to get into. (Johnny Depp’s underpants?)
You’re part of the ‘in’ crowd! (Crowd? But We’re All alone…hey, wait…was that a fat joke?)
Alcohol or any other controlled substance is poison to your system right now. (We’ll drink to that!)
Choose sparkling water or juice — even coffee, instead. (Clearly, We’re gonna need SOMETHING to wash down Our Quaaludes.)
Treat your psyche well and don’t over imbibe. (“Imbibe” is a peculiar word, no? Imbued with imbecility. Imbringing sexy back.)
You’re bound to make bad decisions (Yes. Yes, We are.)
and act poorly under the influence. (Absolutely no “influence” is required.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.