Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 07, 2011. You would no doubt imagine that, not having reported in for three days, We would have ever so much to talk about. You would be wrong. However, in the interest of making your lives seem ever so much better by comparison, We shall tell you about Our weekend here at Casa de Crotchrot. Friday night, We cleaned Our oven. (No, Ducks; Our ACTUAL oven; that was not a euphemism.) Saturday, We ran the dishwasher, then went off to the Italian Market to buy cheap food. Upon returning, We discovered that the catch on the little trapdoor that allows the magic dishwasher pellet to escape and magically clean the dishes had not come uncaught, and We proceeded to wash a whole bunch of not-quite-so-clean dishes by hand (non-magically). This somehow managed to cause Us to lapse into an early coma, from which We arose on Sunday to make gravy, because we live in Souf Philly, and We are apparently an Eye-talian grandmother.
Please try not to faint from the glamour of it all.
Himself, meanwhile, was off in the monsoon at rehearsal for the WaitStaff’s upcoming debut at Helium on the 16th. Here would be where you would buy tickets if you were (subjunctively) going to show up: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382 Not, of course, that We will hold Our breath. (Actually, We sold Our breath. On eBay. For sausage money. (No, Ducks, ACTUAL sausage; that was not a euphemism.))
And that is all We know. And We wouldn’t even have bovvered, except that, for the next two days, We have Daytime Activities which will be keeping Us away from the computer. And We didn’t want you to miss Us TOO badly, and wail, and gnash your teeth, and carry on, as you are wont to do. Mighty white of Us, no?
Les Horoscopes (it’s like Les Miserables, except, instead of miserable, it’s a horoscope. Well, a miserable horoscope, but still (we’re not quite sure why there’s more than one, but then, it’s Frawnch, and We don’t speak Frawnch. (Victor Hugo WISHES he wrote this horoscope.)))
Try something spontaneous today. (Oh, indeed. We’ll put that on the schedule straightaway.)
Ask someone out, (Mmm-hmm. You should SEE our calendar for the next week or so. There’ll be precious little “asking out” about it.)
take a side trip or just speak out at that meeting even if you’re low in the hierarchy. (Good lord, even Our HOROSCOPE is boring.)
Your great energy (Are you talking to Us?)
should see you through! (Oh, We’re through, alright.)
All signs are pointing to a fantastic new beginning for you (“Beginning” is an odd word, innit? It’d be more interesting if the first G were (subjunctively) softened. Then We could replace it with a simpler noun form, “begina”. (Not to rhyme with “Regina”, but to rhyme with “vagina”. (If I had Aladdin’s lamp for only a day, I’d make a wish and here’s what I’d say: Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina in the mo-o-o-rning.)))
(What the hell just happened?)
— and a long journey or a geographical change could be coming soon. (How exactly would a long journey DIFFER from a geographical change? And, more importantly, did We have a stroke earlier?)
If a trip is already planned, expect it to go incredibly well. (And, if it’s not planned, expect it to go even better. Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)
An upgrade may be involved. (Clearly, there’s a C plus in Our future.)
Prepare yourself for unexpected luxury. (See, that SOUNDS like it would be good. But We’ve been reading these things (and living Our life) long enough to know that “unexpected luxury” means We’re gonna be run over by a caviar truck.)
A financial payoff is due today, too, and it’s one you should share with the people you love. (We did find fifteen cents on the street on Saturday. Do you want the nickel of the dime?)
Invite a few friends out to dinner and surprise them by footing the bill. (Alternatively, invite a few friends out to dinner and rub the pot roast all over your chest. (Ah-oooo, werewolves of London…kiss Us quick, We’re Warren Zevon.))
(Clearly, a stroke.)
As teachers and parents say, only boring people get bored. (You mean, as STUPID teachers and STUPID parents say, only boring people get bored. Or more to the point, as teachers and parents who haven’t read this horoscope say…)
Show off your free-spirited side to impress someone you want to know better. (Won’t they be upset when We show ‘m Our Playtex™ Free Spirit bra!)
Keep them guessing! (By stressing Debra Messing’s ranch dressing.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.