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Friday, March 4, 2011

But, oh! If We call the whole thing off, then We must fart.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 04, 2011.  Happy birthday to Liesel, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Brie Feingold-Africa, just in case she and Liesel happen to share the same birthday. (They do not, We are confident, Cher the same birthday, because that?  Would be silly.)  We certainly hope that that mewling, whimpering, sissified little sound We just heard wasn’t any of YouPeople saying, “Who’s Brie Feingold-Africa?”  Because, if it (subjunctively) were, We would have to inform you that Brie Feingold-Africa is the singer songwriter whose bitch you are, you just don’t know it yet.  However, as you are Our Gentle Readers, We shall help you to expand your minds and your horizons by sharing with you Ms. Feingold-Africa’s SitOnMyFaceBook page, which is as good a place as any to begin your Brie Feingold-Africa experience:

Also, happy birthday in advance to Rene, and Steve, and Tom, all of whom turn twenty-four tomorrow.  (Or should that be “each of whom turns twenty-four”?  Because, if they ALL turn twenty-four, then they’re apparently only turning eight apiece.   Math is HARD!)

Speaking of things that are hard (ahem), it has come to Our attention that We have committed an erroneousism.  Long-time readers will no doubt recall Himself saying something like, “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”  Well, since Himself is still fast abed where visions of sugarbowls dance in his head, We can point out that (A.) Himself is an idiot and (2.) there’s a difference between mistaken and delusional.  But that’s neither here nor Cher (how did SHE get in here again?).  You’re here to see how We made a fool of Ourself, and thereby feel better about your own self by comparison.  Well, We were minding Our own business, as We (sometimes) do, and checking in on WorldWideInterWebNetzian friends and acquaintances, when Our friend Patrick from Greater Bostonia was heard to exclaim, “This has been such a difficult week for me that I decided I'd approach today as if it were going to be fabulous! Including exclamation points!

Ever One to gleefully enter into The Spirit Of A Game, We immediately began composing in Our head a reply concerning interrobangs, and how Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize the word.  But suddenly, a niggling doubt crept over Us.  Now, ordinarily, We love a good niggle, but the niggle in question finally drove Us to Google “interrobang” on Wikipedia, and it was there that We discovered The Error Of Our Ways (which has nothing to do with The Error Of Our Weighs, which involves counting in Base Twelve to convince Ourselves that We’re not as fat as We really are (Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We might want to change “fat” to “fast”.  Honey, if We fasted a little more, We might not have so much fat to change.)).  Turns out, all this time We’ve been referring to “!” as an interrobang, when it’s not.  An interrobang is “?!” (or a symbol combining the two); “!” is just a bang.

And YouPeople just let Us go on and on and on, no doubt sniggering behind your hands at Us all the while.  Just a bunch of sniggering niggles, you are.

In Our defense, how the hell could We be expected to recognize a bang when it’s been so long since We’ve seen one?

But soft…what light through yonder window breaks?  It is Our ass, eclipsing the sun.  Also, The Horoscope:

Your energy is best spent helping your people, (We have people?  Really?  Because there’s precious little evidence of anything getting done around here that’s not getting done by Us Our Own Self.  So if We have people, they must be Soylent Green, and We are stuck without a can opener.)

(Don’t think about it too hard; try to just move on.  (Having trouble moving on?  Consider that Micro$oft Weird™ wanted Us to change “how the hell?” a few paragraphs ago to “how?” Then consider that Micro$oft Weird™ can go fu(k itself. (But, whatever you do, DON’T consider a Soylent Green product that’s analogous to aerosol cheese in a can.)))

(Anybody tastes great when he sits on a Ritz™.)

either at work or at home. (Put them all together, they spell homework.)

You should avoid working on projects that are wholly personal, because they are likely to stall out until a few days have passed.  (Is this your clever way of telling Us that Mercury is in retrograde?  Because, see, when WE tell people that, We like to say, “Mercury is in retrograde”.)


Your ambition could get in your way today if you refuse an opportunity that doesn’t seem very strategic. (Meanwhile, if you replace “ambition” with “strategy”, and “strategic” with “ambitious”, you get a sentence that’s equally meaningless.  Go ahead, try it.  We’ll wait.)


Today is not the day for strategy or planning. (Is it a day for spontaneity?  Because We have that on Our calendar for 2:00 to 4:45PM.)

Today is a day to roll (Was that a fat joke? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Joanne Worley. (We shall pause here, while all the chirren go and Google Joanne Worley.)))

with the punches and take on anything new that comes your way. (We can’t afford anything new.  We are so broke, We cannot even pay attention.)

You cannot prescribe your life’s path in any greater detail than you already have, so do yourself a favor and stop focusing only on what is in it for you. (Why?  What’s in it for Us?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Spread (Another fat joke?! (See that?  Was an interrobang. (How did they never teach that on Schoolhouse Rock ?)))

your time around to folks who can’t help you get your foot in any door.  (Come and foot in Our door…We’ve been waiting for you…)

Remember that you don’t have to go out every single night!  (Not only that, apparently We don’t have to go out ANY single night!)

It’s perfectly okay to take a break and do as little as possible tonight. (As though We needed your permission.)

(You say “permission”  and We say “persimmons”; We say “persimmons” and you say “permission”…)

(Did We mention that it’s National Grammar Day?  Because it is.  So call your Grammar and wish her a happy day.)

 Slip into your favorite PJs and relax with something mindless. (Because We are a highly-trained professional, We are not even going to make a joke here.  Because it’s Just. Too. Easy.)

You’re sure to feel better in the morning. (We’re way ahead of ya…We plan to feel better by Happy Hour.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.