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Friday, March 18, 2011

But I'm only a cockeyed optimist and I can't get it into my head.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, March 18, 2011.  Happy birthday to Scott, who, by Our calculations, is having a Very Special Twenty-Fourth Birthday today.  And who was an Erix Daily Horoscope Gentle Reader waaaaay back in the day when it was recorded on eight-track tapes and delivered by the Pony Express.  We suspect he has long since given up reading these epistles, which he would occasionally take to task for their less-than-cockeyed optimism. (Which is, naturally, completely misguided criticism; We are never so optimistic as when there is a cock in Our eye.  Hell, if We are THAT close to a cock, We count it as having already scored.)  He may or may not linger about as a naked skimmer, and, if so, he is one of Our naked skimmers whom We have seen naked.  Which was a very happy birthday indeed.  (Oh, relax; it was in a show.  And We are here to tell you, We did NOT need to use Our lorgnette.)

(We’ll pause here, while We wait for all you perverts to scurry back from Googling “lorgnette” on Wikipedia.)

At any rate, perhaps We can induce Scott to return to The New Improved Erix Daily Horoscope now that it’s written by Yours Truly, Starzina Starfish-Browne.  We shall have the Erix Daily Horoscope bartender whip up a lovely Absolut™ and Geritol™ in anticipation of his arrival.

Also, happy belated birthday to Brian, who turned twenty-four on The Eyes Of Laura Mars.  And happy belated Saint Patrick’s Day to everyone as well.  May the roast ride up to Machu Picchu, and may you get to Hell an hour before the Devil makes your bed.

Irish proverbs are even weirder than you Yanks’ American sayings.

Kiss me, I’m Irate.

So, yesterday (She said, changing the subject so quickly as to induce whiplash, while coyly referring to Herself in the third person (while mentally imagining coyly referring to Herself in the koi pond, just to confuse people)), We were interviewed for a college term paper on the subject of Our Writing Process.  Lord only knows what incoherent drivel We spewed forth, but the end result has been to render Us completely self-conscious as We sit here this morning, pounding on the keyboard with Our arthritic talons.  Sigh.  Yet another of The Burdens Of Fame.
In other news, it’s been a while since We mentioned Himself’s Jesus video, so here it is:

Meanwhile, We are well aware that you are clamoring for news as to how Himself and his little friends’ debut at the Helium Comedy Club went.  And to both of you clamorers, and to Werner Klemperer, We say, if you wanted to know so bad, why the fu(k didn’t you show up?  (Actually, if you HAD (subjunctively) shown up, there might not have been anyplace to put your showed-up ass, because the WaitStaff are total fu(king rockstars.  In other news, watch this space Monday for news of the WaitStaff’s April Fool’s Day gig.)

The most peculiar thing about the preceding paragraph is that Micro$oft Weird™ seems to think that “clamorers” is a word, while “rockstars” is not.  The second most peculiar thing is that this is not the first appearance of Werner Klemperer in an Erix Daily Horoscope.  To wit:

In other news, here, for all Our cunning linguist friends, is this:  
The URL is self-explanatory, and thus explains itself.

And now, as they say in FrawnchLand, Apres Mwah, Lay Splooge.  (For you homolingual Yanks, here’s the damn horoscope.  (Does “homolingual” sound dirty to you?  Because it sounds dirty to Us.)):

Who needs your help the most? (If We just assume that the answer is Johnny Depp, do you suppose there’s any chance he’ll show up?)

(The correct answer to the preceding (seemingly rhetorical) question, for any newbies in da house, is “Here’s cock in your eye.”)

That may be your most important question today, and once you’ve figured out the answer, your assistance should be a powerful force in their life — and your own.  (“Powerful force” is, of course, a euphemism.  We’ve been doing Our Kegel exercises…it’s like a Waring™ blender down there.  Jump on, Johnny Depp, and hit the button that says “frappe”.)

(“The button that says ‘frappe’” is, of course, ALSO a euphemism.  (What, We hear you wondering, is a euphemism for euphemism?   To which We respond, “Shut up, asshat; WE tell the jokes around here.”))

 Turn your energies on completing the project rather than expanding it. (That depends on the project.  Some projects, We’re thinking We might do better to turn Our enemas on.  (Because with frenulums like that, who needs anemones?))


That means if you have been renovating your kitchen (Euphemism.)

, go ahead and lay the contact paper (Euphemism.)

on the new shelves you installed last week, make sure you’ve got the right knobs (Euphemism!)

for the cabinets, and then go ahead and put those on too. (Lordy…it’s like a pornographic version of This Old House.)

Don’t decide that you should throw out the new cabinets, tear down the connecting wall and make the whole apartment one big open room. (Because, for one thing, if you live in an apartment, that’s gonna really piss off your landlord.)

It’s not the best use of your time, after all.  (Not if Johnny Depp’s here, euphemisming Our euphemisms with his cock in Our euphemism.)

No one says you have to wait three days before calling, (Tony Orlando did, however, say to knock three times on the ceiling if you want him.)

but there is a strong possibility that you’re not in too big a hurry when it comes to love right now. (And when’s the last time you thought of Tony Orlando?  To say nothing of Dawn.  You’re welcome.)

Think over what you want to say and take your own sweet time. (Oh, please.  If We ever THOUGHT about any of this, We’d never hit “send”.)

(Oooops…gotta go; Werner Klemperer’s at the door.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.