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Monday, March 21, 2011

I think I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 21, 2011.  Welcome to Aries, or, as We like to call it here at Casa de CrackWhore, the first day of “Get The Fu(k Out Of Our Way”.  Not exactly the weather One might desire for such an auspicious occasion, but whatevs.  Some sob sister on SitOnMyFaceBook this morning actually had the nerve to say, “I was complaining about the rain this morning, until I thought about those poor people in Japan, and then I realized, it’s just a little rain.”  And to this limp-wristed pollyanal do-gooder, We say, “Wipe the sushi out your eyes, SissyMary!  Does this here LOOK like muthafuckin’ JAPAN to you?  It is NOT ‘just a little rain’.  It is just a little rain that is having the nerve to fall ON US!”

Ain’t nothin’ like an equinox to clear away some winter cobwebs.

In other news, this review of Himself and his little friends’ show at Helium appeared too late to be included in Friday’s horoscope: .

And, as promised, news of Himself and the WaitStaff’s next appearance:  it will be, fittingly, on Friday, April Fool’s Day, here:  Please note that this event includes cocktail hour, dinner, and the show, and that one cannot just purchase tickets to the show by itself.

Meanwhile, this just in from some state where they grow corn.  If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be out trying on purple hats:

We were just proofreading, and We realized that We hadn’t mentioned a celebrity.  Consequently, Jeff Stryker’s penis.  Party with THAT thought.

And now, without further canoe:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

Little problems are adding up (Good thing We oiled Our abacus.)

(What?  Oh, did you think “oiled Our abacus” was a euphemism?  Well, it’s not.  It’s quite literal. We are sitting here with an oily abacus. (On the other hand, if We happen to mention that We waxed Our sundial, only ask Us questions if you REALLY want to know.))

— and today they might result in a total lack of progress. (‘Round these parts, We can pretty much count on a total lack of progress EVERY day.)

You should be able to get past this, (But will, no doubt, on the other hand, be totally stymied by “that”.  Because demonstrative adjectives employed as pronouns are often Our undoing.)

(Kiss Us quick, We are a nerd.)

but expect to have to waste some serious energy on the prospect.  (Well, at least We’ll be wasted.)

Your involvement in an upcoming event will create a big change in your life (Will this “big change” involve hot flashes and night sweats?)

— and it could launch a domino effect (Get the door…it’s Domino’s™. (It never ceases to amaze Us that, here in Souf Philly, We are constantly getting Domino’s™ menus left on Our doorstep.  Who in their right mind would live in Souf Philly and order pizza from Domino’s™?  That’d be like calling a cab to take you from Souf Philly to the Olive Garden™.))

that knocks down many of your plans for the future. (Although, generally speaking, We’d rather be knocked down than knocked up.)

But this is all good news, (As is The Second Coming.  (Of course, these days, even The First Coming is good news.  And, if it ever happened when somebody else was in the room, We’d holler “Stop the presses!” (That, of course, is why We never get second dates.  Well, that, and the fact that We never get FIRST dates.)))

(When that all started out, you thought We were gonna tell a Jesus joke, didn’t’cha?  April Fool!)
 because you will be in charge. (We shall also be Large, and possibly Marge.)

You might not hold the official title, but make no mistake about it — you’re the one people will be turning to for answers. (Too bad We don’t even know what the questions are.  Of course, if they’re math questions, We do happen to have oiled Our abacus recently.  We may have mentioned that earlier.  (Go ahead…ask Us what time it is, so We can show you how We wax Our sundial.))

(Alternatively, pull Our finger.)

And this is only the beginning. (And on the third day, Jesus rose from the dead.  And saw His shadow.  So there was six more weeks of winter. (That was the Jesus joke We didn’t tell earlier, in case you were missing it.))

Get a head start on things by letting your confidence come out more.  (Honey, We are in Aries now.  Our confidence has its own pride parade.)

You really want to take this person at their word, (Where did “this person” come from all of a sudden?  Who edits this crap?)

or maybe to believe a situation is all it appears to be, (Oh, We’re sure it’s all it appears to be and less.  Where everybody who’s nobody goes to meet equally ugly people wearing the exact same outfit.)

but you should investigate further. (Why?  We might accidentally find out something.)

There’s more to love than meets the eye today. (Sorry…Friday was “cock-eyed optimist” day.  Today is fish-eyed phlebotomist day.  What’s love got to do, got to do with it?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.