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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola…C-O-L-A cola.

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, March Threeth.  Happy birthday to Cliff, who turns twenty-four today.  It occurs to Us that We have no idea if Cliff reads these epistles or not. Perhaps MizLOretta will read it to him.

Why, oh, why We could not have stumbled across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Fleur De Lis Cri De Coeur Ruby Dee Raymond Burr the other day when it was Tooting Midget Day, We haven’t got any idea.  (For the benefit of Our Gentle Readers in Our homeland across the pond, We should point out that, while in Greater Britannia, “Tooting” is a geographical place, here in the Colonies, “Tooting” is a gastrointestinal activity.  (“Tootie”, of course, is a character on The Facts of Life.))

Meanwhile, lest you are less than pee green with ennui…er, envy over The Glamour that is Our Glamorous Life, We should tell you that We spent Cocktail Hour yesterday at the World Café Live, at a party welcoming the print edition of The Onion newspaper to The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Absolutely everybody who is absolutely nobody was there.  Some rum company of which We had never heard was purveying its wares in the form of several cocktails One would never actually consume in public.  One of these was a watermelon mojito (We kid you not), a pink frothy concoction garnished with fruits, flowers, and god-knows-what else.  This cocktail was gayer than anal sex with Liberace’s poodle. (Which in no way stopped Us from consuming one.)


(Heh.  We just threw that in there for the dog lovers. (Heh.  Get it?  Dog lovers.))

Oh, fine; be that way.  Here comes The Horoscope; don’t get any on ya:

What's a Ram to do when life insists on throwing red flags? (Well, that depends.  Is it a true crimson red, or more of a cerise?  Red can be very difficult to accessorize properly.  And flags are SOOOO 2004….)

(What?  We had ONE watermelon mojito.)

 Act now (Why?  Do YOU see an audience?  Because We? Do NOT see an audience.)

and think about all of the boring conjecture and consequences later. (You are so negative, Kelli.  What about all the PROjecture and PROsequences?)

Follow your fate or follow your free will. (Follow your feet or follow your refill.  Follow your nose, it always knows the flavor of fruit wherever it grows. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.)

(Did We mention that We also had some sort of daiquiri that had a flower in it?)

The choice is yours. (And I’ve made up my mind; I’m keepin’ my baby.  Papa don’t preach….)

(Umbrella drinks…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)

 A fog of drama has settled on your life today, and whether or not your actions are the cause is irrelevant. (Seriously?  “A fog of drama”?  Is this a horoscope, or a Harlequin Romance novel?)

The problem is that this haziness could be making trivial issues look like real problems, and making real problems look like simple things that will just work themselves out. (Apparently, “haziness” is this asshat’s code word for “marijuana”.)

Flip your perspective around today, (You can flip your perspective, and you can Flip your Wilson, but don’t flip your Johnson.)

(No, We have no idea what We’re talking about. What was your first clue?)

and make your seemingly trivial tasks your first priority. (What of Our trivial pursuits?)

As usual, you feel the need to be on the go. (Indeed.  Us and Tootie, tooting all the way to Tooting, singing “Toot-Toot-Tootie, Goodbye”.)

(Wethinks there may have been a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roofie in our sissy drink.)

(“Wethinks” is, of course, the Royal We version of “methinks”. And We are the Queen of Rumania.)

Now is the time to enjoy pure stillness. (Pure silliness sounds much more enjoyable.  But, hey, whatever toots your midget.)

Find a safe, quiet space and just listen to your mental ramblings. (That way lies madness…)

You could find the answer to something that’s been bugging you. (Why IS there no name for the tops of your feet?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.