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Monday, March 28, 2011

Woo- hoo witchy woman see how high she flies


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 28, 2011.  March has apparently chosen to go in like a linebacker and out like a lapdancer.  A crappy lapdancer, however, with incontinence issues and no Depends™. Now THERE’S a bachelor party you might want to give a miss.  Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ professes not to have any idea what a “lapdancer” is, while smiling beatifically upon “linebacker”.  We, on the other hand, are well acquainted with the “lapdancer” concept, while having only a vague notion as to what the hell is a linebacker.  However, We are always willing to learn, so, if any of you happen to have a spare linebacker linebacking around, please send him over to give Us a lapdance.  If he happens to be a Laplander, so much the better. (There’d be a limerick in all this, if only any of it rhymed.)

We know that many of you were waiting with masterfully bated breath (heh) to hear how Our Satan-worshipping went over the weekend, and we are here to tell you that the entire thing was a smashing (also smashed) success, so you may look for a sudden outbreak of withered limbs, lizard whims, and various suspicious ailments amongst Our detractors any day now.  (Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that the preceding is a long sentence.  And to Micro$oft Weird™ We say: “Jeff Stryker’s penis”.)  Also, even members of The Coven themselves may not be aware that, due to perfect attendance and Very Special Guest Stars, there were actually THIRTEEN of Us. And yet, We still managed not to win PowerBall™ the next day.  Sigh.

In other news, We finished watching the most recent season of Weeds this weekend, and We trust that Johnny Depp will not be TOO overcome with jealousy to learn that We want to bear Hunter Parrish’s children.  Speaking of celebrities, We did a recent once-over of Our celebrity labels off there to the right, and discovered that the lovely and talented Willam Belli had fallen into third place, behind Deaf Dumb Blind Dead Lady Famous For Reading Waffle Irons.  (WAAAAAAAAAHHHH is for WAAAAAAAAAffle.)  So, by referencing his name but not hers, We have now put him in a tie for second, and Our next reference will put him ahead.  Fourth place belongs to Cher, whom  We frequently reference because she rhymes with stuff, and first place, by a virtually unshatterable margin, belongs to Our Future Ex-Husband, Johnny Depp, who rhymes with “Fu(k Us up against a rock until We scream”.

Our life is so interesting, don’t you find?

Meanwhile, We mistakenly typed “celebritites” in the paragraph before last.  Unfortunately, We’re not sure if they’re the ones who grow down from the ceiling or up from the floor.

That was a little nerd humor for Our nerd readers. Who are now all hot and bothered because We’ve singled them out.  Their little nipples are all hard and poking into their pocket protectors…excuse Us, We need to lie down for a moment.

Don’t forgot to make your reservations to laugh at Himself and his little friends on April Fool’s Day:  .

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. (We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without a new Fu Manchu:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

Your ability to see the big picture comes in handy today, (We have always failed to understand why seeing a big picture is such an accomplishment.  Wouldn’t it be much more difficult to see a teeny tiny picture, say about the size of a postage stamp?  Especially if you were deaf, dumb, and blind, and your waffle iron didn’t tell you about it.  Although you would probably sure play a mean pinball.)

(The preceding is what is known in the business by the technical term “mixed pinafore”, another example of which would be, “you can heal your sores at Wawa, but you can’t marry Pink.”  We hope that clears it all up for you.)

(Please don’t make Us have to resort to Edamame Fart jokes again.)

as you and your people are in a good position to take care of some long-range planning.  (Said position being, of course, the Downward Missionary Dog Spiral of Fortuna.)

Help the group to see what’s likely to come. (Christmas comes but once a year.  So, unfortunately, do We.)

If you have been searching for a missing element, (Selenium?)

hidden idea or final piece of some vexing puzzle, today you will find it in the words or actions of a long-time acquaintance. (Is it just Us, or does “long-time acquaintance” sound like a euphemism for someone We don’t like who simply won’t go away?)

Listen to what they say, (Sorry…what?)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

even if they don’t know how to say it tactfully. (Oh, great.  We shall be addressed with sentences ending in “FatAss”.  We can’t wait.)

They will help you wrap up your ideas (Which will no doubt promptly smother from lack of oxygen.  Why We picked “selenium” as Our element before, We haven’t got any idea.)

and their perspective will not only complete your picture, (So it’s a big MC Escher picture.  Who the hell could miss THAT?  (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.))

it will improve upon it. (But They say you can’t improve upon perspection.  Which is stupid, because “perspection” isn’t a word.)

With their help, you will be able to give your attention to things that really matter. (Like bearing Hunter Parrish’s children.  Or at least trying to.)

 Watch out for like-minded people: (In what alternate universe do you imagine We would actually run across someone else with a mind like Ours?)

Take that salsa dancing class you’ve been meaning to take (Is it just Us, or does salsa dancing sound really messy?  Not as messy as mud wrestling, perhaps, but still…if you get that shit in your eye, it BURNZZZ.  (That’s what she said.))

(We are pretty sure that it was Urban Dictionary that informed Us this weekend that the “she” in “that’s what she said” refers to your mom.)

or start up a fresh new book club. (You know what would be fresh?  A baby seal clubbing club.  When’s the last time somebody started one of those?)

Even if that romantic prospect isn’t immediately obvious, new connections should lead to new opportunities. (Blah-blah-blah, shut-up cakes.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.