One less bell to answer.

Greetings, Endtables Reupholstered In Calico---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 12, 2010 (As you can see from the Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Blanc Mange Frere Jacques Cousteau, since We constantly have to do everything Our Own Self because no one lifts a finger to help Us, while YouPeople were all busy with whatever petty concerns have been occupying your tiny little minds, We found Osama bin Laden. You’re welcome.):


(We have moved to a new paragraph to wish you a Happy Hump Day, because if We’d said “Hump Day” in the same paragraph with a discussion of that pixture, We might have puked up Our Own spleen.)


(WaitStaff show blurb which you MAY have seen before (unless you are a n@ked skimmer (in which case, We have most likely seen you n@ked)) follows:)


(We have been somewhat less relentless than usual in Our peddling of this show, but, as the size of Our paycheck is tied to your attendance, that nonsense is about to stop. The show, you may recall, is called The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows, and it is happening on Sundays, May 16th and 23rd, at 7PM, and Wednesday and Thursday, May 19th and 20that 8PM at L'Etage Cabaret at 6th and Bainbridge Streets. You can get tickets here. The show’s theme is mothers, and, in addition to special guest appearances by some of the WaitStaff’s mothers, it also boasts returns of audience favorites Yuri (and PuppetYuri), Jesus and his mom, Mrs. MotherOfGod, and a Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives Of South Philly, in which We actually meet the Duchess’s mother. So get your tickets. NOW.)


(Because We are starved for live entertainment, We recently took a highly scientific definitive WorldWideInterWebNetzian quiz to determine What Letter Our Soulmate’s Name Starts With. The answer, lest We keep you in suspense for a moment longer, was M. (Before all y’all whose names start with M begin deleting Us from you address books, We should also point out that said quiz informed Us that We were going to meet Our soulmate at a magic show. So there’s that.))


(Is anyone concerned that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even think “soulmate” is a word? What about Soultrain? (Nope.) What about Alexander Solzhenitsyn? (Oh, THAT it knows. We, of course, had to look up the spelling. (Well, naturally We didn’t know how to spell it; We were already wasting a brain cell remembering his name.)))


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You're still in the right place at the right time to have a good think about your finances. (We are thinking that it is pretty much time to win PowerBall™.)


This is a cycle which only happens twice a year - the next similar cycle will take place in 6 months time. (So it’s a BI-cycle. Not to be confused with a BI-s3xual. Which is a mythical creature not unlike a UNI-corn. Not that We’re TRI-ing to stir up controversy. )


(Vacation time shares in Our mind are going fast.)


Don't use that as an excuse to do nothing though. (Wait…We need an excuse?)


Now is the time (For All Good Men to come to the aid of their Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)…namely, Us.)


to work out how confident you feel (We are wearing Depends™ AND a MaxiPad™, and yet We’re pretty sure We just piddled on the carpet.)


about your financial future (There’s a future?)


and to take any steps you need to, (All thirty-nine of ‘em.)


if you're not feeling too good about the way it's all unfolding. (Here’s an idea…if everybody who’s reading this right now sent Us a dollar…We’d have two dollars. Never mind.)


Don't let your ego get in your way. (Leggo my ego. B1tch.)


If you need help, ask. (Yeah. Because THAT works. See also: ContractorBoi.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




Raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re cowgrass.)