Wild, wild horses couldn’t drag me away

Greetings, Equine Romance Involving Catherinethegreat---


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 26, 2010 (Happy Hump The Horsie Day! Originally, Our “Greetings” read “Equine Romance Involving Catherine”, but We changed “Catherine” to “Catherinethegreat” lest the non-historically savvy amongst you think We were calling OurCatherine a horsefu(ker. We do not generally call people horsefu(kers unless We stumble upon them in the actual act of fu(king (or being fu(ked by) a horse. (Pigfu(ker, on the other hand, We tend to call people with reckless abandon, no matter who or what they are or are not fu(king (or being fu(ked by) at the moment. And don’t even get Us STARTED on roachfu(kers, as We could tell stories about a roach motel that would curl your hair.) OurCatherine is, of course, a Faithful Reader of Eric’s Daily Horoscope AND an ardent WaitStaff fan…who could ask for anything more? (Apropos of nothing, Catherine, are you working at the restaurant on Sunday?)):


(Whew! That’s a whole lotta stuff about b3stiality! (I used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.))


(We just love that joke, and We haven’t told it in such a long time. (So didja miss Us yesterday? We spent the day being ssssssssensitive at the Independence Visitors Center, teaching tourist wranglers to handle The G@ys, then We spent the evening being focussssed, with a group. Heigh-ho, the glamorous life! (Who you callin’ “ho”?)))


(Speaking of hos, horses, and horsehumping hos, We just Googled “Catherine the Great” on Wikipedia to be sure We had fully exhausted the horsefu(king subject. We were somewhat taken aback to discover that, after typing “Catherine”, Catherine Zeta-Jones had a higher Google ranking than Catherine the Great. What is this world coming to when some two-bit actress gets more attention than a woman who was Empress of Russia and a champion horsefu(ker?)


(This just in, from British punk rock band Male Bonding. You won’t see a band from THIS side of the pond making a video like this any time soon. )


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You can buy a lucky horseshoe (But who would fu(k a horse with only three shoes? Doesn’t sound very lucky to Us.)


or toss a coin in the wishing well, (Is Kelli reading Our mail?)


but you really don't have to. (But what if We already did? Since you waited the whole way to the end of the sentence to tell Us We didn’t have to. B1tch.)


Luck is on your side already, (Luck is also being a lady tonight. Of course, Luck may have never been a lady to begin with, so if Luck’s being a lady tonight, We are thinking that Luck is a drag queen. Wonder if Frank Sinatra ever figgered THAT out?)


(For Our str8 boi readers, that was a little musical theatre joke, based on lyrics from Guys and Dolls, and…oh, never mind.)


and there'll be no turning it away, provided you don't let yourself be enticed by something -- or someone -- that's not legit. (Leggit my eggit.)






If it's strictly taboo, (We’ve already had horsefu(king, pigfu(king, and roachfu(king; how much more taboo do you want We should get?)


completely forbidden or something that no one you're related to would even consider for a millisecond, you'll be game -- if not eager -- to try it. (You had Us confused there for a second. Because “g@y if not meager” was Our nickname in high school. But, on closer examination, that’s not what you said. Moving on.)


Stop worrying about it. (We said, “moving on.” Do you not listen?)


Every now and then, it's time to give in to total hedonism. (Funny, that’s what the horse said.)


(We would make a Mister Ed joke, but then you would think We were old.)


So go ahead. (Suddenly, there’s a whole new meaning to “horse head in your bed.”)


(Heh. We kill Us.)


Eat, drink and make merry. (It was Christmastime, and everyone was making Merry. So she went home.)


You can feel recuperate tomorrow. (And still Kelli has no editor. We have said repeatedly that We would do it for a dollar. (Of course, if We recall correctly, We weren’t talking about editing at the time.))






It's not as much as you deserve, (But then, what is?)


but you can certainly expect a bit more in your paycheck soon. (The aforementioned dollar would be more than Our paycheck.)


No fair jumping the gun, though. (Just like that wacky Mother Superior.)


Wait and see. (No. Horsefu(ker.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…manly, yes, but I like it too)