I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan

Greetings, Effeminate Ranchhand Intimidates Cowpuncher---

(This morning’s paradox: Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “cowpuncher” but not “ranchhand”. Perhaps “ranchand” is meant to only have one H? No, that looks stupid. Ranchhand, Ayn Rand, Nancy Marchand. Also, “cowpuncher” sounds vaguely obscene.)


(This morning’s pair o’ ducks: Donald and Daffy.)


(Oh, get your minds out of the gutter…they’re cartoon characters, fercrissakes.)


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 05, 2010 (Happy birthday to The Sainted Mother, who turns twenty-four today. Those of you who are aware that We Our Own Self Personally also recently turned twenty-four might think that this should be this morning’s paradox. Au Contraire Fred Astaire Madalyn Murray O’Hair. There is, as We have pointed out on previous occasions, a time machine. It is in the credenza. Where is the credenza, you ask? (You must be new here.) It is in the time machine. Also, happy Cinco de Mayo. Unless, of course, you live in Arizona. Y’all remember Arizona, right? Phoenix, Flagstaff, Fascism? And, as if all that weren’t (subjunctively) exciting enough for you, Happy Hump Day.):


(Before We begin, a little music video to brighten your day. This is work-safe, unless your workplace is a no Lady GaGa zone. (Did We ever mention that Lady GaGa is Our hairdresser’s cousin? Six degrees of Kevin Bacon’s p3nis, Bay-Bee!))

(While all y’all were watching the video, We were inputting today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope labels (Ayn Rand, Fred Astaire, etc.). We were shocked to discover that We have never mentioned Kevin Bacon in these pages before (since We entered Bloggonia). Sorry, Kevin. Please keep reading anyway. Love to the missus.)


(Our Our-O-Scope)


Life should be looking up for you now. (Mmm-hmm. In Our universe, looking up is just a prelude to a bird p00ping in Our eye. And before all of Our critics pounce upon Us for being negative, We are actually once again proving that We are The Eternal Cock-Eyed (heh) Optimist, as the way We are choosing to look at it is that Our glass eye is half FULL of bird p00p. (Which is, of course, a corollary to the saying, “With all this horsesh1t, there must be a pony.”))


Even Aries who have partners (Hmm. Apparently, before We decided to become a housewife, We should’ve gotten Ourself a HUSBAND. To bring home the Kevin Bacon, as it (subjunctively) were. Sigh.)


who've been hard to get along with of late should find that their partners are behaving more like normal human beings now. (Well, good. Because that invisible rabbit shtick was getting very tired.)






Just remember this, what you're doing in private- yes, it's your business. (But what you do WITH your privates is SHOW business.)


(We’re gonna take a little pause here to give you a chance to reflect on that last bit. Which is really quite fraught with meaning, if you think about it. Especially if you tilt your head and squint.)


However, sometimes we keep things private because we know that if we tell our friends what's really going on in our lives, they're going to tell us to get a grip, and we just don't want to hear it! (Sorry…what did you say?)


(SWWDT?)


(That’s one of them acronym thingies. Like “WWJD?” Which, of course, means “Who would Jesus do?” We’re guessing Mary Magdalene, but probably NOT Lady GaGa. Speaking of Jesus, He and His mom, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod, will be making an appearance in the upcoming WaitStaff show, The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows. You DO have your tickets already, don’t you?)


Keep your secrets advisedly! (Also, keep America beautiful. Nuke Arizona.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




it’s not nice to fool Mother Cowgrass)