When you’re a poot, you’re a poot all the way

Greetings, Evacuating Repeatedly Induces Colitis---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, May 27, 2010 (Happy birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four today. So is it hot out, or what? (Here’s a hint: if you said, “or what?”, you’re a ‘tard. Or possibly a former Alaskan governor.) In honor of summer, which is rapidly approaching and yet oddly seems already to be here, here are some of everybody’s favorite Manhattanonians headed for some fun-in-the-sun on Fire Island to the tune of a little ditty from Funny Girl by way of Glee in an Eric’s Daily Horoscope musical number (totally work-safe (Jeebus Cripes, it’s Funny Girl. By way of Glee. How dirty could it be?) ) ):


(Meanwhile, We are stubbornly refusing to turn on Our central air until Memorial Day (when it will no doubt be fourteen degrees below zero, and, consequently, a moot point (but hopefully not a moist poot, which would be a wh0re of another color)).)


(Ever fascinated by etymology as We are (etymology, for those who aren’t so good with words (hi, Gregory G0DD@MN! G.) is the one that isn’t about bugs), We had to Google “poot” on Wikipedia to be sure We were using it properly. Having found an extremely reliable and authoritative source (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=poot ), We discovered that “poot” is predominantly used as a polite euphemism for “f@rt”. Some traditionalists insist that it is actually a combination of another polite euphemism for “f@rt” (“toot”) and “poop” and that it therefore actually means a WET f@rt (altogether now: “Who’s got a comb?”), which would render Our “moist poot” redundant, had We (subjunctively) been using “poot” in its most common sense (funny how those two words appearing next to each other in this sentence don’t mean at all what they usually mean when One sees them together. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: I just pooted six ears of baby corn, and I don’t even eat Chinese food.”)).


(We are going to break up what is threatening to become a Jeff Stryker’s p3nis-sized paragraph by pointing out that Micro$oft Weird™ has placed a blue “incorrect word choice” squiggle under “ears” in the preceding sentence. It would like Us to change it to “I just pooted six YEARS of baby corn”. Jigga WHAT? Also, perhaps you should see your pootologist.)


(Heh. “Pootologist”. We kill Us.)


(At any rate, We were not using “poot” to mean “shart”. (Weren't the Poots and the Sharts the gang names in West Side Story? (We only asked that in case you forgot We were g@y.)) We thought it was a slang term for female genitalia, and, indeed, Our reference bears Us out, although it claims that “poot” is short for “putang”, which would seem to Us to either be a bastardization of “p00ntang”, or possibly Chinese for “c00ter”.)


(She does research by the seashore.)


(What?)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You've seen the movie where the hero jumps from the bridge to the top of a speeding train, then chases and neatly nabs the soon-to-be-very-sorry bad guy? (No.)


Well, you may not be doing any train-leaping, but it still wouldn't be wise to mess with you. (And yet, people do it, on a daily basis. We have yet to meet three wise men. Although We are pretty sure We have turned back into a virgin.)


After weeks of imploring a certain someone for five teeny, tiny minutes together, they've unexpectedly suggested an entire evening. Tonight. (Don’t mind if We do.)


Unfortunately, your place is a mess. (To say nothing of Our face. (Seriously…the less said, the better.))


So what to do? (We still haven’t figgered out who this “certain someone” is, so We’re not even sure WHO to do.)


Duh -- have dinner out. (Surely We are not alone in refusing to accept advice that starts with the word “duh”?)


Admit your errors. (We thought We had made an error once, but We were mistaken.)


Smile, nod and shrug your shoulders -- a lot. (Obviously, you’ve been spying on Our exercise regimen.)


Then go back to your room, lock yourself in a closet and have a tantrum, with no expletives deleted. (Have you seen the size of Our @ssz lately? We’ll be having the DIET Tantrum™, ThankYouVeryMuch.)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…great taste, less filling)