Greetings, Eggplant Remoulade Intrigues Chef---
Here is your horoscope for Friday, May 21, 2010 (We don’t exactly remember where We came across (heh) today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Foie Gras Cette La Faux Pas Candle-La-Bra George Bernard Shaw, but We certainly find it deeply disturbing. For one thing, what the h3ll kind of wall treatment is that? And, for another, whose black shawl is that on the bed?):
(Not to mention the chickenfu(ker. (Well, technically, We suppose, chickenfu(kEE. (Hmmm…since putting it that way, We are given to contemplation of the gentleman in the pixture as a young Colonel Sanders. Suddenly, We have an entirely new perspective.)))
(Changing the subject (because, really, there’s only so much chickenfu(king One can take), you know how you need to have your glasses to find your glasses? (If you are too young to know what We are talking about, go fu(k a chicken; grown folks are talking.) Well, We have now discovered that you need a cup of coffee in order to make coffee properly. Otherwise, you might do something brilliant like, oh, say, not use a filter. Oh, and in case you were wondering what that rattling noise in Our garbage disposal was? That would be the flipperty gizmo from the coffeemaker that enables One to take the pot off the burner before the coffee is done making itself.)
(Is Our life fascinating, or what? (That little noise you just heard was both of Our Faithful Readers saying, “Or what.” (Of course, who else’s Daily Horoscope has George Bernard Shaw and Colonel Sanders as labels on the same day? Let’s just throw in Johnny Depp for a wacky, zany, madcap threesome, shall We? Thereby ensuring that the chicken in question is well and truly fu(ked.)))
(Meanwhile, this just in courtesy of Our LOretta, for those of you who don’t believe that We have been doing jawbs, and that We are sssssssensitive: http://www.epgn.com/view/full_story/7549228/article-Area-tourism-organizations-host-sensitivity-training. We are not exactly sure why We appear so deformed (and so LARGE), but just look how well We are protecting Our little black baby from evildoers.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
You may not win the Nobel Peace Prize, (Oh, d@mn. And that was at the top of Our to-do list for today.)
but your ability to come up with unique, (Sorry to interrupt what is no doubt a thought of incomparable brilliance, Kell-meister, but We were just suddenly struck by what a, dare We say, UNIQUE word “unique” is. If it were (subjunctively) of English origin, it would clearly mean “not ique”. Which would render it somewhat useless, since “ique” doesn’t actually mean anything and, consequently, doesn’t require things to be designated as its opposite. But “unique” comes to Us by way of Ze Frawnch (why, oh, why is Our Sistah Ovella not here for this?), for whom the suffix “-ique” means “like, or akin to”. For example, the name “Monique”, containing, as it does, the French Jamaican word for “man” and the suffix “-ique”, means “like a man”. “Pique” means “like a pee”. And “unique” means “like the UN”, and We think We can all agree that there’s nothing quite like the UN. Also, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Thus endeth today’s lesson.)
(Oh, is Kelli still talking?)
ingenious solutions to ancient personality conflicts could easily earn you an honorary mention at the very least. (Whatevs. We lost the thread.)
Of course, even if you are nominated, you'll be far too modest to accept. (But it;’s an honor just to be marinated.)
Trying to hide your feelings from someone? (No. Feel free to cast your seed on a stone if the need for a stone should be felt.)
(What?)
Well, then, run like the wind, (But do not break like the wind, or they’ll know exactly how you feel. And what you had for lunch.)
and avoid them at all costs. (How many of all y’all just laughed so hard that you f@rted? (Wet f@rt...who’s got a comb?))
If you happen to catch their eye, there'll be no secrets. (Also, you’ll be standing there with their eye in your hand, and EEEUUUWWW!!!)
They say that to the victor goes the spoils (Who the fu(k is this “Victor” guy?)-- but they also say that pride goes before a fall. (Actually, They say “goeth”. Don’t They? How unique of Them. Chickenfu(kers.)
What a decision! (Why does that feel as though it should have been preceded by “Oy”?)
How about accepting the spoils without being smug? (How about accepting the poils without being a mug? (Suddenly, We’re doing Guys and Dolls. (If you got that joke, you are really, really g@y. And probably also old. But not necessarily in that order.)))
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass...it’s finger-lickin’ good)
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