(Orange you glad We didn’t say “Banana”? (Especially after yesterday’s atrocities…))
Greetings, Elephants Repeatedly Inspire Comedy---
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, May 20, 2010 (Well, last night was certainly a vast improvement, as many friends descended upon L’Etage to see just exactly how We wound up with a banana in Our bananacreampiehole. (Did it throw you that We made that all one word? Sound it out…We’ll wait. (This is your brain; this is your brain HookedOnPhonics. Any questions?))):
(Meanwhile, the rest of all y’all have two more chances to watch Us become intimately acquainted with random tropical fruits tonight at 8PM or Sunday, May 23rd, at 7PM at L’Etage Cabaret at 6th and Bainbridge Streets. The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows. You can get tickets HERE. And don’t think We’re gonna stop plugging Ourselves (did that come out wrong?) then, because We are already committed (or at least We should be) to Christmas in July, for one show at World Café Live and two shows at L’Etage, not to mention (and yet here We go mentioning it) Our Fringe Festival show, The Real Housewives Of South Philly.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
(If you are, as We are, an observant person, you will note that today’s KelliScope begins and ends with the same word (“smile”, just so you don’t get distracted and wander off). It will, however, take more evidence than this to convince Us that said KelliScope wasn’t typed by some quantity of chimpanzees at some quantity of typewriters.)
Smile, and prepare for a very enthusiastic yes from the person you've been working up the courage to ask a certain favor of. (Never use a preposition to end a sentence with, B1tch.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Oh, and if it's not a favor? (We’ve got the fever for the flavor of a Pringles™. (Actually, it has been years (probably actually decades) since We’ve had a Pringles™ in Our bananacreampiehole (and, parenthetically, probably equally long since We’ve had bananacreampie in there, but We digress), and yet We are still able to marvel at how a the snack food industry was so perfectly able to capture the flavor of that stuff that you floss out from in between your teeth.))
Expect an even more enthusiastic yes. (Oh, please. We are so old, enfeebled, and out of the loop, We would settle for a tepid mayhaps.)
(We are pretty sure there’s a joke to be had from “tepid mayhaps”, but We’re not quite sure what it is. Plus, We can’t just be giving them all away…why would you buy the cow if you can get the bananacreampie for free?)
(We are just gonna pause here for a mo-mo and let all y’all run wild with alternative pronunciations for “bananacreampiehole”.)
(There…wasn’t that fun?)
Celebrate privately for now. (You realize, naturally, that We intend to take “privately” as meaning “with one’s privates”? KThxBye.)
You can alert the media in a week or so. (Although it would be much more fun to alert Wikipedia in a kimono, no?)
(It is all so much easier once One accepts that One has no idea what the fu(k One is talking about.)
(Meanwhile in keeping with Our tropical fruit theme, Carmen Miranda. (Because otherwise, We have no label for today.))
You don't have time for lunch? Or dinner? Better make time. (Oh, sure. Because Our @ss doesn’t already eclipse the sun.)
No matter how little it may be, it's something. (That’s what she said.)
Besides, it's true what they say about quality vs. quantity. (The bigger the better the more in the sweatpants?)
You're confident, but not quite so confident that you're ready to make demands. (And yet the phrase “small, unmarked bills” hovers on the lips of Our very bananacreampiehole…)
You know you're perfect for the job. (Now if We just knew what the job was.)
You can do it. (Yes We can.)
Get busy. (Also, get jiggy widdit.)
Oh, and smile. (What, and let them cram the banana in sideways?)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…betcha can’t eat just one)
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