Greetings, Entrails Reading Indicates Constipation---
Here is your horoscope for Monday, May 24, 2010 (Happy Monday to all of Our readers out there in MondayLand. As you can tell from Our Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Yves St. Laurent Charles de Gaulle Pepe LePew CoCo Puffs Chanel, today was supposed to be “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it” Day here at the Mouseketeers’ Club. (Although imagining the critter in the pixture wearing panties is just a little beyond Our scope at this juncture. (You do realize that “scope” in that particular sentence does NOT refer to Eric’s Daily Horoscope; if it did, it would be “’scope”. And realizing that, you have probably gone on to wondering why, if it’s “pixture”, it’s not also “junxture”. And henceforth, it shall be.)) At any rate, We got a late start today after some gastrointestinal ructions caused by a Rancid Banana Incident (that’ll teach you not to show up where We tell you to), so We are currently not wearing any panties at all, Big Girl or otherwise. (We were about to say that We hoped that viZZZualizing that made your morning, when We noticed that it had slipped, suddenly, into afternoon. Quel frommage.) So “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it” Day will just have to be tomorrow, which is just as well, considering that Our panties say “Tuesday” on them. (Which is particularly alarming to people on Fridays; We have no idea why.)):
(So Lost ended. We were most taken aback by the number of jackasses who were apparently spending their first day on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, busily spoiling the thing before it was even over on the East Coast. Really, people? Your SitOnMyFaceBook statuses? (Stati? Stalactite, stalagmite, Stalag 17…) As though somehow, out of the millions of Us who were watching, YOUR opinion of the finale was somehow definitive. Dream on, puny mortals. Who do you think you are, Eric’s Daily Horoscope?)
(Speaking of stupid people, Creative ViZZZualizationas and Daily Affirmations remind US of this (safe for work):
(Which, in turn, reminds Our friends at Dr. CoolSex Comedy of this (also safe for work)):
(This just in: piranhas don’t kill people; people kill people.)
(Our Our-O-Scope.)
Before you decide there's no way you could ever possibly do what 'they' have asked of you, take a moment to think about exactly what it involves. (Well, if it involves panty-wearing, it ain’t happenin’.)
You may be so frustrated with past issues (To say nothing of passed tissues, post fissures, and pastiche shoes. (You say “pistachio”, We say “nuts”; let’s call the whole thing off.))
(What?)
that you aren't able to clearly see your present capabilities. (Wait…there are presents? And it’s not even Our birthday…)
Explain to whoever you're supposed to be seeing tonight that it's just not possible -- and not because you don't want to be there. (Ah, but We are aiding and abetting at the teaching of sketch comedy tonight. Passing on Our wit and wisdom to a new generation, as it (subjunctively) were. (For those whose translation skills are not quite as finely honed as they might be, the preceding two sentences read: “cute college bois”.))
(Much like the other day’s (very fleeting) “good mood”, “those whose” also looks like it should rhyme but doesn’t. Sigh.)
Reschedule, and apologize very sweetly. (So We’re guessing that “too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad” won’t cut it?)
Maybe some roses are in order? (Someone gave Us roses once. We wound up flat on Our back with Our legs in the air. Our friends all said, “Honey, ain’t you got a VASE?”)
(Ba-DUMP-bump.)
Stop scowling at yourself in the mirror. (This is Our face. This is Our face on Midol™. Any questions?)
You're fine, just the way you are. (Oh, goody. So Billy Joel loves Us.)
If you can't make yourself believe that after several tries, ask an objective friend for their opinion. (We are much more likely to ask an opinionated friend for their objections.)
Stop wondering what you could possibly have done differently. (We doubt We could even do it the same.)
You can't undo what's been done. (But can you redo what’s been undone? Undulating donations, do-rag the trombone.)
(What?)
Besides, everything happens for a reason. Accept it all unconditionally. (See above: Creative ViZZZualization/Daily Affirmation.)
(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…it does a body good)
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