Even educated fleas do it

Greetings, Embedded Rivet Impedes Carbondating---


(Oh, carbondating is so too a word. Not that We’re dating at all, but, if We (subjunctively) were, it would be carbondating. Because (A.) We are old, and (Number 2. (Heh. We said, “Number 2”.)) one of Our only dating requirements is that they be carbon-based life-forms. (Our only other two requirements are a p3nis and a pulse. We are, in fact, willing to entertain the notion of NON-carbon-based aliens from other planets as long as they possess the latter two. The p3nis and the pulse are, however, non-negotiable. We have not yet descended far enough into the abyss to begin dating the dead. But give Us time; once they show up for the date, they won’t bail on you early, and they certainly don’t monopolize the conversation.)


(We were going to continue the above with some witty discourse about dating the UNdead, but then We realized that, other than being aware of the existence of Twilight, and being able to picture the youth with the angsty hair and clown-white face who stars in same (whose name We do not know), We are woefully unable to hold Our own (heh) in a discussion of The Undead In The New Millennium. And We are certainly not going to carbondate Ourselves by saying something untoward like “Jonathan Frid”.)


(Apropos of nothing, you will note that today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Crème Brulee Bain De Soleil Nanette Fabray is apropos of nothing.)


(Was that a double negative? Discuss. (Those of you who are not, perhaps, as grammatological as We Our Own Selves may find it more amusing to discuss a discus at a disco. (Or not.)))


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, May 04, 2010 (You will be, no doubt, elated to learn that UPS brought Our new printer yesterday at noon. The delivery person was, in fact, a hottie (although not as hottie as the previous week’s locksmith) and was not, in fact, a l3sbian. Consequently, We were left free in the afternoon to run (amok) errands outside of OurHouseWhereWeLive. There is no point to this story, and thus, no end to this paragraph.) :


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


You can safely act on your first impulse now in any and all circumstances. (Good. Shut. Up. @sshat.)


You've been bestowed with wisdom, well-deserved confidence and uncannily good timing. (Good. Can We write that on a piece of paper and have it be Our resume? And can We earn six figures working one afternoon a week at home? KThxBye.)


Needless to say, (Watch…she’s gonna say it anyway.)


the fans will be quite impressed. (See?)


(Wait…”fans”? What fans?)


Don't leave home without a stack of business cards. (Will these Partridge Family trading cards suffice?)


(Suffice?)


The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing and you're in love. (Do bees have penises? Presumably not, or the old saying wouldn’t be “it’s the bee’s knees”, it would be “it’s the bee’s penis”. Or perhaps “it’s the bee’s penis down to its knees”. (Whatever else all y’all were expecting in here this morning, We bet it wasn’t insect p0rn.))


Just in case you're not quite sure, somewhere in the back of your fragrant, pink, smoke-filled brain, however, arrange for a prenup. (It is unclear to Us just what exactly “fragrant, pink, smoke-filled brain” is meant to imply. Also, “prenup” is a very peculiar word. And totally inapt, for someone who can’t legally nup in the first place. B1tch.)


You're not exactly the soul of patience, diplomacy or moderation at the moment (Thank CHR1ST! Because what the h3ll fun would that be?)


-- and that's putting it very, very lightly. (The word you were looking for was “mildly”. Jeebus. We could edit this cr@p for you for a dollar.)


Take one giant step now in any direction. (Oh, you can’t fool Us. You didn’t say “Simon says”. We’re staying right here, ThankYouVeryMuch.)


You'll end up on Park Place with tons of money tucked under your side of the board. (What, they tore down Boardwalk?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




the best part of waking up is cowgrass in your cup)