Jeebus loves me, this I know; still, I called up Rent-A-Ho

Greetings, Erect Reject Injects Collector---


Here is your horoscope for Thursday, May 13, 2010 (So first up, a little cartoon about the goings-on in Nazi Germany, now known as Arizona. And below, a video about the latest Christian wingnut to be caught with his pants down. (NOT safe for work.) Ya know, here in what used to be the great United States of America, We support your right to believe in the Tooth Fairy if you want to. We used to, however, be very clear that We weren’t going to have any parts of your Tooth Fairy running Our country. On the other hand, maybe We shouldn’t get so upset. Perhaps We should just let the Republiklan Teabagging JeebusFreak C0cksuckers have their way. After all, if they were (subjunctively) in charge, We wouldn’t even notice the transition once the Chinese take over.):


(Micro$oft Weird™ just put a blue squiggly line under the “take over” in “Chinese take over”. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the language of Micro$oft Weird™, a red squiggly line under something means it is misspelled. A green squiggly line means something is grammatically incorrect. And a blue squiggly line means that, while no words are misspelled and there is not a grammatical error, Micro$oft Weird™ thinks you may want to reconsider your word choice. In this instance, for example, Micro$oft Weird™ would no doubt like Us to change “Chinese take over” to “Chinese take out”.)








(WaitStaff show blurb which you MAY have seen before (unless you are a n@ked skimmer (in which case, We have most likely seen you n@ked)) follows. But first, may We (mais oui?) just point out that this evening will be Our fifth of five days in a row of rehearsal. If this were (subjunctively) a television show, We’d be filming tomorrow in front of a live studio audience. (Presumably they say this because, back in the days of radio, they used to film in front of a dead studio audience. Because it was radio, so nobody could see the film.) We are exhausted at the very thought of rehearsing this thing yet again, and yet We do so strive for perfection in Our desperate quest for attention and applause. And, more importantly, your ticket dollars.)



(To redundantly reiterate while repetitiously repeating, the size of Our paycheck is tied to your attendance. The show, you may recall, is called The Mother Of All Sketch Comedy Shows , and it is happening on Sundays, May 16th and 23rd, at 7PM, and Wednesday and Thursday, May 19th and 20th at 8PM at L’Etage Cabaret at 6th and Bainbridge Streets. You can get tickets here. The show’s theme is mothers, and, in addition to special guest appearances by some of the WaitStaff’s mothers, it also boasts returns of audience favorites Yuri (and PuppetYuri), Jesus and his mom, Mrs. MotherOfGod, and a Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives Of South Philly, in which We actually meet the Duchess’s mother. So get your tickets. NOW.)


(Our Our-O-Scope.)


Declarations of love are one thing if you're in a loving relationship where everyone knows how they feel and the time to be a little bit circumspect about what you do and don't say is over…and PS if you want to argue with me about the premise this idea is based on, don't bother - it's just my opinion! (Also, a run-on sentence is a sentence that runs on and on, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, while pretending to be a prognostication by One’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), but with a completely craptastic cop-out disclaimer at the eventual end, disavowing any knowledge of ephemerisesses and other zodiacal whatnots in favor of a purely “just my opinion” slant, which, if We wanted somebody’s opinion, We’d give it to them, and We thought We came here to have Our starz read, because opinions We can get at the beaudy pahlor, and did We mention We finally got Our hairs did yesterday, and We look GOOOOOOD?)


Anyway, love galore is GREAT at the right time and with the right person. (Pussy Galore, meanwhile, is a character in a James Bond movie. But then, you probably knew that. We Our Own Selves Personally have never actually seen an entire James Bond movie, and We are not entirely convinced that We are missing anything.)


However, too much too soon has been known to knobble things (Now, see, when WE make up words, Micro$oft Weird™ puts squiggly lines under them. What is this “knobble” of which you speak?)


so mind how you go, (And who you blow.)


if you suspect discretion would suit you well now! (We are unlikely to engage in discretion, as We have not accrued much cretion in the first place.)






(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:






http://www.humorscope.com




cowgrass…because you’re worth it)