Would you verb my noun-noun?

Greetings, Extruded Ribcage Impedes Cribbage---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, August 25, 2010 (You will notice (the two of you who pay any attention, that is) that We have once again skipped right over Tuesday. That is because We are campaigning for a new week, the structure of which is Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Friday-Saturday-Saturday-Sunday.  Every third Monday is a national holiday, and all Fridays are half days.  Due to the confusion this may engender over the location of Hump Day, every day will now be Hump Day, so hump away, harlots!):

(Of course, We wouldn’t hold Our breath waiting for this campaign to work, as We can’t even get people to spread the word about a four-minute video:

)

(Here is some random publicity from the Philly Weekly for the upcoming WaitStaff show in the 2010 Philly Fringe Festival, The Real Housewives of South Philly: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/College-101-A-Students-Guide-to-Navigating-Philly.html?page=2&comments=1&showAll=   Also, you should know that WaitStaff Fringe shows traditionally sell out, so you will want to get your tickets in advance in your pants in France Vivian Vance.)

(What just happened?  (Apparently, We can’t even do Tourette’s Syndrome properly.  Fu(king motherfu(kers.  (Heh.  See what We did there?)))

(Do you want to hear about the dream in which We mistook Eurotrash for g@ys, or the dream in which We visited Our old apartment, where the new tenants were celebrating Christmas in August?  Here’s some further information to help you decide:  in one of them, the punchline, in Our best Robert Mitchum/William Holden voice, is “A week ago Thursday”, and, in the other one, We are n@ked.)

(We’ll just be waiting right here for your decision. (Or for an explanation of why Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “punchline” as word.))

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You won't be able to contain your 'enthusiasm,' no matter how you try (Just Our luck: one more thing We’re gonna hafta clean up.)

-- and that enthusiasm may be interpreted by less enlightened souls (Less enlightened, are they? Where the hell’s Our flamethrower?)

as impatience, arrogance or outright aggressiveness. (Or possibly insouciance, aspidistra, or HassenPfeffer Incorporated.  Also, what the fu(k are you talking about, Kelli?)

(We just this minute received email from a WorldWideInterWebNetzian dating site.  The subject line was “Eric, Are You Insane?”  Some clue as to the answer would be that Our first thought was, “Why all the capital letters?”)

Fortunately, you won't care. (Now there’s a newsflash.)

Not one little bit. (Nor a whit.  Nor a nit.  Nor a spit of sh1t on yer tit, silly git.)

(What?)

Try not to stick out your tongue when you win the door prize.  (Surely We cannot be the only one who has no earthly clue what the preceding sentence could possibly be expected to mean.)

Step away from the computer, (And what?  Finish this horoscope via telepathy?)

and the person you've been IMing who's definitely, absolutely, positively the love of your life. (Yeah. Okay.  Whatevs.)

Or at least insist on a very, very recent photo. (Of what?)

 It takes two sticks at the right angles to create sparks (Also, it takes two d1cks at right angles to create spunk.  Also also, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper™. (Which is, come (heh) to think of it, just another way of saying the same thing.))

-- or two opposing views, spoken by adamantly uncompromising individuals. (Good old adverbial Adam Ant.)

(That one may sneak up on a few of you…wait for it.  THERE ya go!)

Either way, the end result is the same -- heat!   (That’s the same thing that happens when you mistake your Icy-Hot™ for your Preparation H™.)

 (Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

it’s not just cow, it’s grass)