Cry me a river

Greetings, Essentially, Resitance Is Counterproductive---

Here is (maybe) your horoscope for Thursday, August 26, 2010:

(You may notice that today's Erix Daily Horoscope has a bit of a different feel to it.  (Not to mention a different smell.  Sort of Axe(TM) Body Spray mixed with crusty gym socks.  But We're blaming THAT on Justin Bieber.  (Who looks for all the world like Elizabeth McGovern in Ordinary People, no?))  We'll complain about the reason for THAT in just a moment.  But first...)

(We are ALREADY having A Very Bad Day.  Which started YESTERDAY, We might add.  So Our relatively new coffeemaker, which will only create coffee if its top is properly closed, really didn't need to choose today to decide not to be able to close its top properly.  Seriously. (Lest you were about to rush over here in an ambulance with a Starbucks Grande, We closed that bitch up with some duct tape, and the coffee, she brews.))

(Now, as to why We are having A Really Bad Life...er, Day.  When One has as tenuous a grasp on reality as We do, and One's computer is really pretty much the only source of human contact/enjoyment/entertainment/mental stimulation/income production One has, what is the one thing The Universe is likely to rip away from One while chuckling an evil, throaty chuckle?  Yes, kidz, you guessed it.  We came home yesterday from the Ack-A-Me to Our second case of broken Windows in a month.  Long story short (too late), We called up the Chinamen at Dell-in-the-Phillllippppines (We have no fucking spellcheck, and We have never had any goddamn idea how many Ls and Ps there are in that stupid country.  Deal with it.) and told them to do what they should have done LAST time Our Windows broke, i.e. send Us a new hard drive.  (They didn't want to do that because Our hard drive is still under warranty, and would thus be FREE, this computer being not even three years old.  Pigfuckers.)  So in the meanwhile, We are in "safe mode" (god help Us), and are unable to do just about anything One would ordinarily imagine doing with a computer.  Except, possibly, hurling it at One's coffeemaker.)

(Our-O-Scope):

Avoid the temptation to tackle new projects today — you’re sure to get dragged back into something you thought was long finished. (Like owning a new coffeemaker, or having a recently repaired computer? Oh, and Fuck. You. Kelli.)

You should get moving again by tomorrow, so have patience. (Hello, Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) For Dummies? The Aries Prayer: "God grant Us patience, right the fuck NOW!")

Strong emotions, (Terror?  Loathing?  Bieber Fieber?)

wacky risks (Baby alligator enema?)

and spontaneous outbursts (Of bubonic plague?)

are all scheduled for you today, making for an exciting time. (Well, as long as it's exciting.)

(Did We mention that Justin Bieber is in Our Fringe show?  Because he IS.  Get tickets here:   http://www.livearts-fringe.org/details.cfm?id=13844 )

 The challenges you’re giving those around you might make them a bit uncomfortable, (But then that's not really Our problem, is it?)

but then that’s not really your problem, is it? (What she said.)

You crave forward motion, (Well, more forward-back-forward-back, etc, but who's counting?)

politeness be darned, (No, socks be darned.  Politeness be fucked up the ass with a chainsaw.)

and if you must act on impulse and provoke rage, that’s okay. (Is it just Us, or is "okay" a rather wishy-washy word to use when describing the provocation of rage?)

You can always make nice later. (Or not.)

(Okay, We want you to read this whole next part without any comment from Us:

You'll be clearing your throat quite a bit at dinner, and excusing yourself several times. Just face it. You're not quite ready. Don't push too hard.  (That was all about pooping, wasn't it?  (Oh, you thought so too.  Don't pretend.))

(Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com/

Dude, you're gettin' a Cowgrass!)