Thursday, August 5, 2010

Because we’re going to the chapel and we’re gonna get married





Greetings, Echinoderms Rarely Inhabit Condominiums---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, August 05, 2010 (Apparently there are still those in this country who will need today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Peau De Soie Je Ne Sais Quoi Blanche DuBois explained to them.  This is because, despite at least pretending to be reasonably well-educated people, they don’t seem to grasp the definition of the word “all”.  And yet, if you look in your dixtionary at the definition of the word “all”, We are pretty sure you will all agree that it does NOT say, “just the people who think like I do”, or “just the people who go to my church”, or “just the white folk”.):

(There is also a lot of talk in the news about the 14th Amendment.   As part of Our ongoing efforts to edify and edumacate, We shall reproduce the salient part of said Amendment here: “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.  This Amendment was originally put in place after the Civil War, to ensure that the newly-freed slaves were recognized as citizens of these United States, and that no (former slave) state could invent state laws that made them separate and/or unequal.  And lo and behold, it only took about a hundred years for that to START to sort itself out properly.)

(But that, of course, was before radio, and television, and the WorldWideInterWebNetz. (It was also, parenthetically, before women had the right to vote.  People who natter on vaguely about “the good old days” should learn to be more specific.)  These days, We don’t have a hundred years to wait to stop being treated as second class citizens.  In fact, it’s been over forty years since Stonewall, and We think that’s been g0ddamn long enough.)

(Of course, the BIG story in the news these days is the off-again romance of Bristol-I-Shoulda-Had-A-V8-And-An-Abortion-Palin and Levi-Let’s-Play-Hide-The-Johnson-Johnston.  Apparently, there will be no Sanctity Of Marriage entered into by these two.  At least not THIS week.  (We know…We shed a little tear Our Own Selves.)  It seems Levi has been hiding his Johnson in less quasi-gubernatorially-related c00ters (hey, it gets COLD in Alaska!  (Also, you can see Russia from there.)) and has left a bun in somebody else’s Easy-Bake Oven.  (Seriously, Dude…it’s called a condom.  (Oh, and Dudettes…it’s called a morning after pill.))  That must be some Johnson he didn’t show in his Playgirl  spread.  (How long do ya think it’ll be before he turns up in p0rn?  We would SO pay money to watch Grandma-Of-Little-Bundle-Of-Bastard’s head explode from that one!))

(We are supposed to be writing a WaitStaff sketch, but instead We are talking to YouPeople.  Sigh.)

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

You’ve got it easy today (That’s what she said.  (To Levi Johnston.))
— though you may wonder why. (You also may wonder, wonder who?  Who wrote the book on love?  (But if you do, you’re old.))

It could be that others are pulling their weight for once, (No, see, Us having it easy would be if others were (subjunctively) pulling OUR weight.)
or maybe you’ve just reached a new milestone (Or kidneystone.)
and get to relax for a few hours.  (We told you: sketch to write.  By this evening’s rehearsal.  In the hinterlands.  No rest for the stupid.)

You can easily keep from embarrassing yourself by watching what you say a little more carefully. (Ya know, in addition to being able to see Russia out your window, if you put your feet on my shoulders, I can see Uranus.)

It’s weird how many blow-ups can be averted with a just little forethought. (That sentence is just BEGGING to be rewritten as: “It’s weird how many blowj0bs can be averted with a just little foreskin.”)

If everything goes south anyway, try a three-second rule when it comes to communication: count slowly to three before you say everything that’s zipping through that brain of yours toward your eager mouth. (“Eager mouth”?  Have We suddenly gone from white-trash p0rn to Victorian bodice ripper?)

It’s not as hard as it seems. (That’s NOT what she said. (To Levi Johnston.))

You’re never quite as attractive as you are when you’re involved in something you’re enthusiastic about, (Then We shall most likely be ugly for the remainder of the day.)
unless it’s when you’re gushing over it. (Watersports!!!)

Figure out what gets your motor purring and then go do it. (Now THAT’S just dirty.)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:
cowgrass…when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight)

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