Bye Bye Bye

Greetings, Erogenous Reflux Immobilizes Concubine---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, August 12, 2010 (Every so often, We are right about something.  Unfortunately, this happens with exactly enough regularity to keep Us encouraged.  Consequently, We keep trying sh1t, instead of going permanently back to bed.):

(Speaking of bed, We had two very long and involved dreams last night.  We won’t go on at length, except to say that, in one, We were having a snowball fight.  In the other, We were the RA for a co-ed college freshmen dorm.  Neither, as you might imagine, turned out well.)

(Hmm.  Our attention keeps being diverted by bright shiny Internetz.)

(Whatever you do, don’t go look at this video, or tell your friends about it:

)

 (Our Our-O-Scope:)

After an especially hectic period, (That’s HAPPY period.  Have a HAPPY period.  Who the h3ll says “have a hectic period”?  What does that even MEAN? Change your tampon every five minutes whether it needs it or not?  Why not “have an eclectic period”…wear a tampon and a maxipad that don’t match.  Or “have an electric period”…pop a couple of flashlight batteries on up in there. Or “have a dyslexic predio”.)

(Wow.  That’s a whole lotta stuff about c00ter so early in the morning.  So any of all y’all havin’ your periods?  Much like roommates, scientific studies show that Erix Daily Horoscope readers’ periods wind up in synch.  (No word on what ‘N Sync’s periods are doing.  But We hear Justin Timberlake is having a heavy flow day.))

(Okay, now We’re really gonna stop.)

it's high time (And Us, without a doobie.)

you spent some quality time alone with you. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Greta Garbo.)

(This is Us, pausing politely while the youngsters go Google Greta Garbo on Wikipedia to figger out what the h3ll We’re talking about. (“Go Google Greta Garbo” is, of course, the title of ‘N Sync’s comeback hit, following the disappointingly dismal failure of their previous effort, “Go Gargle George Gobel”.))

(Seriously, you WISH you could spend a week’s vacation in Our mind.  And hey, the rates are reasonable, it’s fully furnished, and there’s a water slide.)

Tend to your nest, (Chew up some worms, then vomit them down your kids’ throats. (Werd pixtures…We paintz them.))

order some take-out (Yes, but, see, “take-out” (or, for Our British friends, “take-away”) is only really take-out (or, for Our British friends, take-away) if you call up (or, for Our British friends, ring up) and place an order, then go your own self and take said order out of (or, for Our British friends, take said order away from) the food emporium in question.  If you sit on your fat lazy @ss and have your order brought to you by a Chinaman on a bicycle (does anyone else get disturbed when a Chinaman on a bicycle brings your pizza?), it should really be called “bring-out” (or, for Our British friends, “bring-away”.  Or actually, more accurately, “bring-to”.  The entire industry could be renamed “ring-and-bring”. And the Chinaman could be called Hop Sing.  The advertising jingle practically writes itself.)

(Meanwhile, do We even HAVE British friends?)

 and soak your poor tired feet. (For some reason, this last bit immediately conjured up a pixture of Us p1ssing on Our own feet.  The only shred of consolation in THAT image is that at no point did We imagine hiring someone to do it for Us.)

If you speak to anyone now, (And that’s a mighty big if.)

it better be someone with extremely sympathetic ears. (Who cares about their ears if they don’t have a sympathetic mouth to match?)

(Did that sound dirty?)

 If you're out to woo someone, (“Woo”?)

they don't stand a chance of resisting you (No, seriously…”woo”?)

-- whether they've been with you for thirty years or thirty minutes.  (We’re pretty sure “woo” is Chinamanese for “p1ss on your own d@mn feet…me ride-ee bicycre”.)

(“Chinamanese”.  Heh.  We kill Us.)

You're not feverish or achy. (We are, however, creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, and altogether ooky. (Awww…did We just get The Addams Family theme song stuck in your head for the rest of the day?  Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.))

You just know you need to stay home today. (And yet, somehow We just know We’re gonna wind up going somewhere.)

Good luck with that. (Is that any way to send Us off into the world?)

(Your Euro-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com

Their house is a museum; when people come to see ‘em, it really is a scree-um, the Cowgrass Family. (Heh. Heh. Heh.))