Like a bridge over troubled water

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 29, 2012.  Happy birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today.  We have no idea if he even knows of the e-xistence of these e-pisstles, but better chafed than snarly.

Several recent events have brought to Our attention the fact that We may need to begin building a bridge with which to get over Ourself.  However, prior to commencing said construction, We must just congratulate Ourself on this weekend’s e-pissodes, both of which We thought were e-xemplary.  If you were unable to e-njoy them in their e-ntirety the first time around, because you were, say, on a Haitian vacation, We suggest you go and peruse them now.  We’ll wait here.

(That e-hyphen thing really is a-nnoying, i-sn’t i-t?)

This morning’s coffee is displeasing to Us.

One wonders, if One is already building Oneself a bridge, if it would be that much more difficult to also build Oneself an attention span, because…oh, look, a sparkly balloon!

We clearly got nothin’.  Of course, every day can’t bring a buttocksian pimple or Ryan Gosling.  In a desperate e-ffort to spice up this morning’s proceedings, We just went looking for today’s E-rix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us.  (It occurs to Us that it must be very jarring for Our Frawnch-speaking readers when We rhyme “Jus” with “Us”, making Us wonder if they read it as “Pixture Du Jour Au Juss Leave The Driving To Us” or as “Pixture Du Jour Au Zhoo Leave The Driving To Oooo”.)  #CrazyPeopleProblems

Yes, people, that was a hashtag.  We are leaping boldly into the new decade; deal with it.

What were We talking about?  Oh, today’s pixture.  It did not aid Us in Our e-fforts to be e-ntertaining.  However, We are clearly gonna need a bigger bridge.

Speaking of e-ntertaining,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Meanwhile, here We are just recovering from Sicily Yoder’s birthday festivities, and now We have to celebrate Annette Bening’s birthday.  Will the whirlwind never stop?

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Slow down and take all your tasks one at a time. (Oh, Honey.  We are fairly certain that the only thing slower than We are is death.)

You need to make sure that you’re able to manage all of your business before scampering off to start something new.  (Okay, even if you are A Gentle Reader who has never met Us, there is no universe in which you can possibly imagine that We “scamper”.)

Just chill out.  (Just fuck off.)

(If We seem distracted, it is because, ever since that first line about “slow”, We have been mentally singing the Petticoat Junction  theme song, specifically the part about “that Was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction”, and We realized that, while We have an entire brain cell devoted to Bea Benaderet, We haven’t got any idea who the hell the actor was who played Uncle Joe.  And, now that We’ve Googled him on Wikipedia and discovered that his name was Edgar Buchanan, We realize that We completely don’t care.)

(It is not easy being Us.)

(That bridge, she is going to need to be the Golden Gate.  Also, she must span The River Kwai.)

Just because some other people are huffing and puffing through the day doesn’t mean you have to join the crazy rat race!  (Well, DUH.  Who wants to race against crazy rats?)

Do not let their hysteria or anxiety force you to second-guess the way you’ve chosen to live your life.  (Wait…We get another guess?)

Right now, going at your own pace is more important than ever.  (Any less pace and We’d be going backwards.)

Take your time today, and linger wherever and whenever you want to linger. (Also, finger wherever and whenever you want to finger.  (See how, right away, Our way is more fun?))

(That bridge, she is going to need to be Gina Lollobrigida.)

There is no race to win — there is only a journey to enjoy.  (Oh, goody.  Kelli’s resorted to Chinese fortune cookies now.  Shouldn’t that sentence end “in bed”?)

Make an effort to be more positive. (That’ll never work.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

 It’s easy to sink into pessimistic thoughts, but in the long run you’ll be worse off than before.  (ExACTly.  (Seriously…see what she said?))

There’s always someone else who has it rougher. (Said the porn star wearing the sandpaper condom.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

If you could read Our mind, love, what a tale Our thoughts could tell.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, Hunty, May 28, 2012.  Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  Happy Memorial Day to the rest of Our American readers, and happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our readers in Greater Brittania.

We trust you have all recovered from the grueling story of Our Buttock Pimple (which, for those of you who nakedly skimmed Saturday’s e-pissode, was e-ssentially the sequel to The Scarlet Pimpernel. (We have no idea what that means, but it suddenly occurred to Us, and We didn’t want to let it get away, in case it was accidentally funny or something.))

(It also just occurred to Us that We have no idea what is a pimpernel, scarlet or otherwise, so We went and Googled it on Wikipedia.  Wow.  How boring.  And people actually READ that book?  It must have been published during a particularly dreadful television season.)

For those of you who remain concerned about Our buttockian health, We would like to point out that the pimple issue (note to Self: adjectival form: pimplicious) had actually resolved itself prior to the publication of SayerDee’s e-pisstle, but, having composed virtually the entire thing in Our head before going back to sleep upon being awakened by said pimple, We saw no reason to waste Our e-fforts.

(Is this e-hyphen thing getting on people’s nerves?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Speaking of things on One’s nerves, We had the misfortune to watch Drive yesterday.  If only We had (subjunctively) had a film crew on hand to make a time-release fillum of Our pimple bursting, We could clearly have won an Oscar™ compared to this crap.  And We are very sorry, but We completely fail to see the appeal of Ryan Gosling.  Now, before all you Ryan Gosling worshippers get your knickers in a twist (which can, you should be advised, cause pimplicious buttockian eruptions) , We are not saying he is completely unattractive.  He is every bit attractive enough to be, say, a sales associate at Macy’s.  (Just not in men’s wear.)  Or a door-to-door Mormon missionary.  (The sidekick one,  that they send to keep the really attractive one from having gay sex in every other house.)  Or a dyslexic Wheel of Fortune contestant.  (We have no idea why We just said that, but We couldn’t think of a third thing.)  But a movie star?  Not so much.

Speaking of starring in things,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6^th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on.  We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue,  James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani.  And, right there amidst these other luminaries?  Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.

So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism?  (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))

Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

You’re feeling the heat — whether it’s from a new romance, a new exercise regimen (Or menopause?)

or the sun of a tropical vacation. (Or that.  (Son of A Tropical Vacation was, of course, the sequel to A Tropical Vacation. Starring Ryan Gosling and Sicily Yoder.  It was followed by Son of A Tropical Vacation Two, Son of A Tropical Vacation Strikes Back, and Rocky Balboa.))

(Just like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell….)

Whatever it is, soak it up and relish every moment — it’s times like this that make you feel alive!  (When, in reality, We’ve been dead since a week ago Tuesday.  And We’re starting to smell.)

A challenging — but somewhat amusing — situation (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely like a threat?)

will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your flexibility, (Maybe We’ll put TWO candles in Our shoofly pie!)

and you’ll make an especially good impression on someone who has had an eye on you for quite a while. (Maybe We’ll put SIXTEEN candles in Our shoofly pie!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Molly Ringwald.))

The two of you are about to start a new type of relationship. (Don’t tell Us, lettuce guess:  not only platonic, but imaginary.  Also, he’s straight.  And a woman.  And a straight woman.  Who looks like Ryan Gosling.)

(Just like an old-time movie, ‘bout a ghost in a wishing well….)

This person is as strong as you are, and will be able to challenge you the way you need to be challenged. (Can the bitch put sixteen candles in his shoofly pie?  Because, if not, step way the fuck off!)

Don’t be afraid to let him or her bring out the best in you.  (We did mention that those candles were LIT, didn’t We?  (Also Roman?))

If you’re feeling edgy, don’t panic. (Easy for you to say, bee-yotch…you don’t have sixteen lit Roman candles in your shoofly pie!)

(Is it just Us, or is that sounding dirtier and dirtier?)

You’re not going crazy. (Of course We’re not going.  We’ve already been.  Wanna see Our T-shirt?)

It’s a great time to write about what’s going on inside. (Two sentences from the end, and NOW you’re gonna tell Us what to write about?)

Whether you’re sabotaging a relationship or missing an opportunity, (Jigga what?)

you should know the details of your psyche. (Yeah, We’re pretty sure We shouldn’t.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.