This boy is a bottom

Hello, Ducks!

(How gay is Donald Duck?)

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriDay Friseé  FritoLay™ Frijole Fabergé Fifi D’Orsay…well, apparently no one is going to slap Us so We stop, so We shall have to stop Our Own Self.  Gob stoppers those who stopper theyselves, and all that.  Happy February Oneth to Oneth And All.  Unlike last year, this year February has a mere twenty-eight days, therefore, theoretically, if We made it through January, We should be able to make it through February even faster.

Math is hard.

Happy Birthday in advance to Christine, who turns twenty-four tomorrow somewhere in suburbia.

Meanwhile, We were updating Our SitOnOurFaceBook page yesterday, when all of a sudden this happened:  http://www.kennethinthe212.com/2013/01/caption-me_31.html  So go and add a caption, already.

In other news, Gentle Readers, We are here, amongst other reasons, to make YouPeople feel that your lives are better by comparison.  We are NOT here for you to stick random pins into Us when the spirit moves you.  Lettuce illustrate…Our Google-O-Meter™ keeps Us informed of many fascinating statistics concerning these hallowed pages.  For instance, We first referenced The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli herein on February 5, 2010, and have, according to Our index, referenced him an additional twenty-eight times (that’s nine times more than Shakespeare, for those of you keeping count.  Because We?  Are a big ol’ name-dropping name-dropper who drops name like a big ol’ name-dropping name-dropper with a name-dropping problem). In addition to dropping his name, We have embedded any number of his videos herein, including but not limited to the trailers for Tranny McGuyver and Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, as well as the music videos for The Vagina Song and Chow Down At Chik-Fil-A.

(Here, to break up the enormousness of this ranty-rant paragraph, is his latest music video, Boy Is A Bottom.  (If you need Us to tell you that this is NOT safe for work, you need more help than this little ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) can give you)):

At any rate, Our point is…well, it wouldn’t be very nice to continue to Our point, which, as near as We can tell, We’ve already made.  KThxBye.

(Did anyone come up with an answer for “How gay is Donald Duck?” yet?  Do We have to do EVERYTHING Ourself???)

Meanwhile, if you are at work and would like a SAFE for work video, here is this, in which The Muppets spoof Downton Abbey. (We cannot help but think, however, that the thing would have been vastly better with the real Maggie Smith and the Muppet butler.):

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/-sesame-street--takes-on--downton-abbey--with--upside-downton-abbey---exclusive-video--005730445.html?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=channel&utm_campaign=PBS

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Yesterday was Justin Timberlake and Carol Channing’s birthday; today is Lisa Marie Presley and Pauly Shore’s birthday.  Yesterday wins.

Try not to get all worked up over your new idea or plan — things need to settle down in your life before you can do your own thing. (So who else’s thing should We do until then?)

It’s far better to help those around you with group plans.  (You say “group plans”, We say “orgy”.  Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, syphilis, gonorrhea, let’s call the hole the Holland Tunnel.)

(There’s just nothing like a Gershwin tune, is there?)

 Without realizing how or when it happened, (Wha’ happened?)

you may find yourself smack dab in the middle of another conflict today. (Once you’ve had smack, you’ll never smoke crack.  Also, a little dab’ll do ya.)

(What?)

But all you need to do is call upon your highly sophisticated mediation skills (Ah, yes.  The old “highly sophisticated mediation skills” trick.)

and you will navigate these potentially stormy waters without any difficulty.  (Except, perhaps, for the difficulty We have believing that.)

Your smile can make peace.  (Lord, make Us an instrument of Your peace.  Preferably a big ol’ organ.  Just sayin’.)

What you should always remember is that people want to be liked. (Also, the Alamo.)

Try to keep everyone cheerful  (Even Bashful, Grumpy, and Dopey?)

and delegate responsibility to the people who really deserve it.  (Deserve what?)

 Issues concerning partnerships versus independence may be arising for you now, and it may well be a grass-is-greener situation.  (Oh, please.  We haven’t had grass in years.)

Concentrate on appreciating the good aspects of what you’ve got.  (Okay, that?  Sounds like A LOT of work.)

(But seriously, how gay is Donald Duck?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Let’s Have A KiKi

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedDay, June 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Mark, who also turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Gay Pride to Our NewYorkianese friends.

Oh, my dears!  Things are looking up here at Casa de KiKiForCocoaPuffs™! Several things are about to fall into place for Us…naturally, We can’t tell you about any of them, lest We jinx them, but suffice it to say, FiFi d’Orsay, that, if We play Our cards just right, We may become an overnight success just about the time We’re ready to retire.

To distract you from that mystery, Miss Marple, here’s this Soap Opera Name Generator.  http://www.hlntv.com/interactive/2012/06/12/whats-your-soap-opera-name  When We put in Himself’s name, We get “Austin Pertucci”.  When We put in Our Own Personal name, We get “Harlow Hall”.  Just for shitz and gigglez, We tried Iris Holcombe (“Krystal Grecko”) and Jesus Christ (“Gabriel Hart”).  Obviously, We are easily amused.  Just as obviously, We want you to input your own personal name and send Us your results.  Because We are starved for attention and live entertainment.

Some piece of spam wants to know if We need Our roof replaced…is that a euphemism with which We are unfamiliar?

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

But The Big Story On Action News….this has been quite the week for celebrity birthdays.  Despite starting off with WhoTheFuckIsBlakeShelton, We then had Paula Abdul, Nicole Kidman, and His Royal Heinie, Prnce William.  But that was all just a warm-up for today.  It is completely unclear why it isn’t a national holiday…how dare any workplace be doing business-as-usual on Meryl Fucking Streep’s birthday?!?!?

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to know that, while “Meryl” and “Fucking” are words, “Streep’s” is not.  Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™?  On her BIRTHDAY?)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your intuitive powers are kind of hit or miss (We had a feeling that was the case.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Meanwhile, We just chanced to glance back a few paragraphs…since when is “heinie” not a word?)

— but on a day like today, you should find them working quite well!  (Well, don’t act so surprised about it!)

It’s almost spooky (Also, kreepy and kooky, and altogether ooky.)

(We had initially misremembered that as “krazy and kooky”, but We did the research and corrected Ourself, because that’s the kind of klassy professional operation this is.  Bitches.)

how they seem to keep you one step ahead of the competition.   (Wait…there’s competition?  Dear god in heaven, it’s not SWIMSUIT competition, is it?)

Women will play prominent roles in your day. (Yippee.  Once again, We are desperate and dateless.)

Mothers, aunts and friendly female neighbors will interact with you in a very powerful and interesting way. (At some point, We must tell all y’all about Our friendly female neighbor.  She’s about a hundred, and rides a scooter.  She thinks she knows Us from somewhere.  Did We mention that it sucks to be Us?)

These women have a lot of good insight for you, so listen when they offer their advice.   (Don’t encourage them!)

They’re not trying to tell you how to live your life (They’re trying to tell Us how THEY think We should live Our life.)

— they’re just trying to help you think of something you might not have considered before. (Consider yourself part of the furniture.  (Please, Sir, I’d like some Mormons.  (But only if they look like Wes Ramsey or Steve Sandvoss.)))

(We’ll take obscure cinema references for $500, Alex.)

 Resist your urge to just nod and smile at what they are saying.  (Insert image of Us nodding and smiling here.)

Give the feminine mystique extra credence today.  (Our feminist merit badge is about to be taken away…We were firmly convinced that The Feminine Mystique had been written by Germaine Greer, when in reality  (which is, parenthetically, vastly overrated (reality, that is, not The Feminine Mystique)) it was written by Betty Friedan.)

Your energy levels might be all over the place if you don’t take better care of yourself.  (To say nothing of Our litter-hairy references. (No, really…say NOTHING.))

Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy foods, lay off the java, and learn to relax. (Well, aren’t YOU just the pushy, demanding bitch?)

Those closest to you will appreciate your willingness to even out.  (What does that even MEAN?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I have flown to Moscow; it’s very gay. Well, anyway on the first of May.

(You will note that We have departed (dearly) from Our Christmas-themed series of Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Beaujolais Negligee Bain De Soleil Fifi D’Orsay, but come on, people!  We are only human, and he has CANDY!)

Greetings, Evergreens Revitalize Inspirationless Crèche---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 17, 2010 (So meanwhile, while the rest of Us are contemplating the young gentleman’s candy, and the likelihood of its semblance to an  All-Day Sucker, Our str8 boi readers are all, “Who the fu(k is Fifi D’Orsay?”  Little do they know that just mentally absorbing the phrase “Fifi D’Orsay” will turn you gay for the rest of the day. Olé, hooray, Nanette Fabray.):

(So, as promised, yesterday, We trudged out into The Weather, where We had Our fangs waxed, obtained a losing lottery ticket, and purchased ink for Our printer.  We really might as well have bought a whole new printer, considering what We paid for said ink.  In fact, We may just solve all of Our fiscal difficulties by opening a d@mn ink store.  Jeebus!)

(Is there really such a dearth of ultrasound technicians that We must receive three pieces of junk mail a day exhorting Us to become one?  Have We missed the people roaming the streets, shouting, “My kingdom for an ultrasound technician!”?  Seriously.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 You can charm people more easily than you can fast-talk or bully them today, (Yes, but what if We fast-talk them AND bully them?)

so kick back, (Don’t wait to kick back…kick ‘em first, and take ‘em by surprise.  They’re all the same size once you kick ‘em in the nutz.)

bat those eyelashes (Bat THEIR eyelashes.  With a baseball bat.)

and watch them scurry (Like the scurvy dogs they are.)

to make you happy. (Fu(king ecstatic, We are.)

Life can be easy!  (So can We.  Although there’s precious little evidence of that.)

You’re about to begin mingling with all kinds of interesting and unusual people, (Get ‘em all in the hot tub, then hit the button that says “puree”.  WE’LL show ya “mingling”.)

and you’ll love every minute of it. (Mmm-hmm.  Don’t hold your breath.)

There’s at least one new acquaintance en route who’ll be around for a while, too, thanks to an astrological setup that will keep that parade of people you’d otherwise never have met going strong. (Is it just Us, or does that sound more like a threat than a promise?)

Whether they turn out to be friends or partners is up for grabs, but who cares? (Most likely, they’ll wind up being friends’ partners.  Sigh.)

Think of this as a social buffet. (Wait…did you say they were en route or en croute?)

 Treat yourself to just a little taste of everything.  (Now you’re just being smutty.   We like that in a person.)

You’re in planning mode (Actually, you’ve misread.  We’re in Carol Channing mode.  Also, We’ve got Bette Davis eyes.  (Perhaps We’re actually in MARGO Channing  mode. Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a nightie bump.))

— so it’s a great time to plan a raging party! (Hmmm….)

Go nuts, (Not that We’ve got far to go…)

 as themes, music, costumes (Egad.)

and more are all game. (Can We play Hump The Hostess?  (AAAAAaaaand We’ve switched to Liz Taylor.))

Make sure it’s so irresistible people come from miles around.  (Who’s gonna clean that up?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )