That’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  ThurzzzDay, June 28, 2012.  We trust you all had a good time celebrating Helen Keller’s birthday yesterday…QUIETLY.  It occurred to Us this morning that, if you wrote “Happy birthday, Helen” in frosting on the top of her cake, she could read that.  Because it would be raised, ya know, like Braille.  Of course, no one else would want any cake then.  Especially if she’d recently been reading the kitty litter.  But it would be okay, because how would she know that?

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid Sure. Plays. A. Mean. Pin. Ball.

In other news, the WorldWideInterWebNetz are all knickertwisted this morning because apparently, Diana Ross approved of President Obama’s health care plan.  Why anyone cares what some washed-up pop star thinks of the thing, We haven’t got any idea.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses (this “hence” part was parenthetical as well.  But if We keep saying “parenthetically”, We’ll never finish. (How do you know it’s an endless loop endless loop endless loop (she said, parenthetically))))        , “knickertwisted” is one of those words that looks fine in print (despite Micro$oft Weird™’s red-squiggly-line to the contrary), but might cause people to look at One askance if used in speech.  Just a little friendly advice from Erix Daily Horoscope.)

In still other news, if Our life were (subjunctively) a soap opera, it would be three days before Sweeps Month, and all the other characters would be fondling guns, knives, and blunt instruments, and saying, “I’ll kill her, I swear I will!” to the camera right before a commercial for feminine hygiene spray.  If Our life were (again, subjunctively (but then, you’d probably guessed that)) an Agatha Christie mystery, a thunderstorm would have just knocked out the power at Our isolated country mansion immediately after a dinner party with thirteen or so friends and relatives, none of whom like Us very much.  If Our life were…well, you get the idea.

You will have to bump Us off; We won’t drop dead just for your convenience.

(It occurs to Us that perhaps this was not the best thing to tell you all on a day on which We shall find Ourself in the dentist’s chair later.)

In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should):  http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Meanwhile, if you are plotting Our demise, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow, because We refuse to die on John Cusack’s birthday.

 You have to show someone close that you’ve got their best interests at heart.  (And you know what They say:  The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  With a chainsaw.)

 This could be as simple as hearing them out when they’re upset or as grand as throwing a surprise party.  (Is it just Us, or does the surprise party sound easier?)

(So do you think We should throw John Cusack a surprise party?  Who can get him here without making him suspect  anything?)

It’s never too late to start something new, (It is by definition too late once it gets old.  Duh.)

especially if you’re thinking of starting something new with someone you admire.  (We have just spent five whole minutes stymied by the word “admire”.  Such a peculiar, old-fashioned word it is.  Of course, it’s no “knickertwisted”, but still.)

The stars are shining brightly on any new projects that involve official documents, (We are not letting any of you anywhere NEAR Our Last Will And Testament, so fuhgeddaboudit.)

and it’s an excellent time to begin formal or legal partnerships.  (Heh.  Only a few of you will know why that’s funny.  And We are not going to bother to explain it.)

Any marriages, adoptions or business relationships that begin today will have endurance and stability.  (Well, in that case, on the way home from the dentist, We shall get married, adopt a child, and take over ColbyCo.)

Today ditch the ‘me me me’ mode and put others first instead.  (How about the I I I mode?  (Kiss Us quick, We are the Frito™ bandito.))

(Ai-yi-yi-yi, I’d rather get laid than be eaten…)

When selfishness is deterred (“Deterred”?  There’s ANOTHER odd word choice.  Kelli seems determined to make Us wind up knickertwisted.)

you can clearly see who needs your help ASAP.  (Oh, sure.  Like We’re going to help people who are trying to kill Us.)

Juggle your schedule around to make time for friends who could use some of your relationship advice.  (Yeah.  People are no doubt lined up around the block for OUR “relationship advice”.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Indian Lake is a scene you should make with your little one

Hello, Ducks! (Heh.  See what We did there?  (No?  Really?  Have some more coffee.  Now, look closely at today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Dom Deluise Sebastian Cabot Victor Buono.  See?))

Hello, Ducks! (We kill Us.)

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, June 06, 2011.  Happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today.  He is one of three Bills to whom “Happy Birthday” is wished here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBwdacfn2Vk if you happen to be of a mind to go and watch, and click “like”, and mark it as a favorite, and share it with all your friends.  Especially those who happen to be having Gemini birthdays.  For example, if YOU have a friend named Bill who is having a birthday this month, you could send him this video, and tell him that you arranged with Us specially to wish him a happy birthday, and only you and We would know that you are a big fat liar who’s trying to weasel out of buying poor Bill a damn birthday present.  Cheap wanker.

Also, Happy D-Day to all you stutterers out there.  (We just got into the time machine, ignored the dust on the credenza, and went all the way back to last year, where We discovered that We have already used that joke.  We are not, however, allowing that to cause Us to delete it, as that might deprive new readers of a chuckle. (We are torn, at this juncture, between two digressions.  One involves “Chuckle” as a diminutive of “Chuck”.  The other involves a neologism (heh…We said “gism”) called “fuckle”.  Being thus stymied and flummoxed (and We could use a good flummoxing), We shall solve Our conundrum by pursuing neither.))

Here’s a question for Our newer readers:  if you joined Us after We entered Bloggonia (in January 2010), do you ever go back and read old installments? Chronologically or randomly?  Do you ever click on the celebrity Labels?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Leave Us a comment.

And now, the moment you’ve all been baiting your breath for (eeeuuuwww!).  We have been promising you a big announcement; well, here it is:  Himself’s acclaimed one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, will be returning to the boards for this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, beginning September 2^nd, at the Walnut Street Theater Studio 3.  We shall really need to rally the troops to turn this into a success (and, ultimately, to give the show some sort of extended life with fiscal benefits), so We trust that We can count on all of your support.  And those of you who are farther flung than Our very Own backyard might want to start thinking about how the show (which will be designed to tour) can come to A Theater Near You.

In still other news, lest you think We rest on Our ever-expanding laurels, We are also hard at work on the next installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.  You lucky, lucky people!

But first things worst: TODAY’S HorrorScope:

Physical exercise should be on your mind today, (Oh, indeed.  As soon as We finish here, We intend to lie down and think about jumping jacks for a good half hour. (Now We’ve distracted Ourself by trying to think of people named Jack that We could jump.  Sigh.))

so see if you can get down to the gym, (Well, let’s not go crazy.)

or at least take a long walk at lunchtime. (Why? How far away is the restaurant?)

If you can make it a part of your daily routine, so much the better!  (Also, a bit of butter makes the bitter batter better. (Although how rubbing a baseball player with butter could be anything but distracting, We haven’t got any idea.  (And what made him so bitter in the first place?  Inquiring minds want to know.)))

Cool, calm and collected beats frantic, hyper and bombastic any day of the week, (See, you had Us right up to “bombastic”. Because NOTHING beats bombastic.)

(NOTHING, goddammittt!!!)

(Heh. See what We did there?)

so keep yourself from veering off on anything emotionally-fueled when you communicate. (We are 100% caffeine-fueled, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

State your case clearly, and you will have real facts to stand upon, not just heart-felt conviction. (Paul Revere and the Raiders sang “Cherokee People” with an all-bell accompaniment to warn the British that some Republicant idiot was coming.)

(Clear enough?)

This rise in your intellectualism will help increase and hone your mental energy — you’ll be thinking quickly and wowing powerful people left and right with your agile arguments.  (Ah, yes, the old “agile arguments” ploy.  Which only narrowly eclipses the “fragile farguments” ploy, mainly because nobody knows what the hell is a fargument.)

Your life feels like an action flick today, (Yesterday, it felt like a chick flick.  The day before that, it was a chicks-with-dicks flick.  Early last week, it was My Friend Flicka.  We are a cinematic smorgasbord.)

with you as the star! (Naturellement.)

(That was a little Frawnch there.  We don’t actually speak Frawnch, but We know a few words here and there.  Mainly from reading Agatha Christie.)

(We are so classy. )

Try to find someone who can keep up with you, (Good luck with that.)

then challenge them to top you (Exsqueeze me?)

in finding adventure. (Oh.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.