Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, April 30^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, in AnnApolis, MaryLand.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Stephanie, Trish, and OurAmericanCousin Jim, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday. OurAmericanCousin Jim is, in an odd coincidence, OurAmericanCousin Billy’s father, so it is a good thing OurAmericanCousin Billy did NOT turn twenty-four today, or We would have to explain about the time machine, which is in the credenza, which is in the time machine, all over again, and We know how YouPeople get sick of hearing about that time and time again.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

We were in absentia from yesterday’s festivities because We had to give Ourself a stern talking-to after Monday’s unfortunate incident.  Here is a little recap, to save you the effort of rooting through the archives for Monday’s e-pissode:

“Give it your all (Yeah, ya know, We try that…and still We wind up screwed.  Meanwhile, however, much like Ashton Kutcher’s The Butterfly Effect, the fact that We just got screwed has caused Us to refrain from doing A Nice Thing We were gonna do, and…JEEBUS CRIPES, STOP THAT INCESSANT DRILLING, OR WE’RE GONNA COME OVER THERE!)”

Now, first of all, We should point out that, as Our punishment for Our behavior, the drilling next door has continued until this very moment.  More to the point, however, We thought long and hard about Ashton Kutcher (heh) and decided to do The Nice Thing anyway.  (Well, We TRIED to do it…whether it works out remains to be seen.)

In other news, today’s Frawnch lesson:  Merde, il pleut.

Meanwhile, those who know Us personally will be aware that, amongst Our many House Un-American  Committee activities, We have never eaten a Big Mac™, nor seen a Star Trek Wars fillum.  However, We were taken aback earlier this week when they announced the cast for Star Trek Wars Elebenty-Twelve, or whatever number they’re up to now,  to hear Max von Sydow amongst those mentioned, as We were firmly convinced he was dead.

And not in that vague “oh-he’s-really-old-and-we-haven’t-heard-anything-about-him-in-a-while-so-We-assume-he’s-dead” kinda way, neither.  We were firmly convinced that, within the past year, or, more accurately, within the past six months, We had actually read his obituary, including references to his appearances in The Greatest Show Story Ever Told On Earth and all those Ingmar Bergman fillums.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), there just aren’t enough people named “Ingmar” any more.  So call up any pregnant ladies you know, and persuade them to name the baby “Ingmar”.  KThxBye.)

Now We are concerned as to whose death We confused with that of Max von Sydow.  Sorry, Max.

 In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lee Harvey Oswald…

In still other news, please Save The Dates for Thursday, May 8^th, for the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House, and Saturday, May 10^th, as the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  More on that story as it develops, but inside sources tell Us that Jesus H. Christ’s celebrity chair will be taken by His Mother, Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod! You won’t want to miss THAT!

We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope (And, because We have several other pressing tasks to accomplish, before We go out into the merding pleut, herewith, in lieu of The Blatherings According To AssHatt Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia…:

Greetings Starzina~

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.

Madame Olivia senses that for the moment you are relatively content with your love life. This is good. The only teensy niggle is the "relatively." You are wondering if other people are happier than you are. Though this is can be a fruitless line of thought, maybe you should honor the niggle and try doing something different, like going about meeting people in a different way. Or anything, really, like where you eat lunch. Who knows where this may lead; at the very least you may find out something about yourself.

Little Aries, Madame Olivia is filled with a sudden understanding of the progress you have made. You have done wonderful work exploring myriad details and intricacies and can now look up and see what you have put together. But don't stop your efforts! Just take a look, enjoy a moment of satisfaction, and then head back into the fray.

Word of the hour, be it noun or verb: dream

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

(If anyone is looking for Us, We shall be Honoring The Niggle.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away

                                         

Greetings, Elegant Restaurant Introduces Corndogs---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, October 21, 2010 (Good morning, boyz and gurlz.  You will recall that, yesterday, We woke up at 4AM and never went back to sleep.  Consequently, having slept through large portions of last night’s Survivor, We were ready for bed at around 9PM.  At 3AM, We woke up, screaming, with The MotherFu(ker Of All Leg Cramps. Our leg is still not Being All That It Can Be (and thus will not be enlisting in Our nation’s armed forces any time soon, but then, you probably knew that).  Fortunately, We were able to go back to sleep (now that the cramp has passed, it only hurts when We walk), but, if We had entertaining dreams, We don’t remember them.):

(The moral of the story: don’t get old.)

(In other news, in the few minutes We have spent thus far this morning on the WorldWideInterWebnetz, We have been Learning Things.  Thing Number One, apparently horses can’t vomit.  How We’ve lived all Our life without knowing this is entirely beyond Us.  And it explains a lot, doesn’t it?  “Horsec0ck” as a size descriptor, the absence of a gag reflex…in case you were wondering, We are busily planning Our new book, If You Give A Horse A Bl0wj0b,  which is, naturally, the sequel to If you Give A Mouse A Cookie.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

(Thing Number B is related to today’s Erix Daily Horse-O-Scope (heh) Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Black Beauty My Friend Flicka Wiiiiilllllburrrr.  As you are no doubt sitting in front of your computer screen reading this, you are seeing the pixture as Albert Einstein.  However, if you step away from your screen, say about ten or twelve feet, you will see something else entirely.  (We’ll pause here for you to do that.  (We’re not making this up.))  See?  In much the same way, if you stand close to Us Our Own Self Personally, We look like, well, Us Our Own Self Personally.  However, if you back up away from Us, say ten or twelve feet, trip over the ottoman and hit your head on the fireplace fender, when you come to, We shall tell you that you got a bl0wj0b from Johnny Depp.)

(Aren’t the InterNetz educational?)

(Leg cramps ain’t for pussies.  Help Us, Jeebus.  (That would be more like a song if Jeebus’s middle name were (subjunctively) Rhonda.  But, as We all know, Jeebus’s middle name starts with H.  Unfortunately, what the H stands for is lost in one of those books they didn’t put in the bible due to references to recreational drug use and underwater photography.))

)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Your instincts for finding new hot spots (Actually, We’re thinking a new hotPAD.  As well as some Poli-Grip™, some Geritol™, and some new colored Depends™.  (Yes, folks, Depends™ apparently now come in colors.  As well as Smell-O-Vision™.))

are driving you to get out in the world and learn even more about it. (Oh, please.  Now that We know that horses can’t vomit, what else could We possibly have to learn?)

See if you can get your best friends to follow along while you follow your nose. (Is it just Us, or is “smelling the absence of horse vomit” a little too Zen for all y’all as well?)

(Lest the WorldWideInterWebNetz be playing Us for a fool, We just did a little more research into this “horses can’t vomit” business.  Firstly, it would seem that rats can’t either.  Which, considering some of the stuff rats eat, makes One almost feel sorry for the rats.   Seconal, not only does it seem to be true, but “horses can’t vomit” has its own SitOnMyFaceBook page.  Which, Thurston, makes Us wonder if you’ve all known this all along and just weren’t telling Us.   (Don’t you tell US that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone.))

You’ve played your cards close to your chest for a while now, taking care to maintain your privacy. (One has no need to keep One’s cards close to One’s chest (isn’t the actual saying “vest”?) when One is playing solitaire.)

Better keep that up, because the heavens have arranged an opportunity for you to take a risk (Oh, please.  You can’t play Risk™ by yourself.)

— and to issue a challenge. (You can lead a horse to vomit…)

(We have no idea why We said that.)

For the next three weeks, a secret tryst will be possible. ((A.) With Our luck, she probably means “cyst”, but (2.) if she’s not just Ritalin Trixie, then We think We know who she means, and…hmmm.)

It’s time to snazz up your old dating profile. (We must whole-heartedly concur with Micro$oft Weird™ that “snazzy” is in no way a legitimate word, and is most certainly not a verb.)

Your creative energy is in full bloom for now, (Well, of COURSE it is…We’re wearing colored Depends™!)

so dig in and show the hotties what you’ve got going on. (Okay, in light of the Depends™, that last bit was just disgusting.)

Don’t skimp on the self-promotion (Also, don’t’ shrimp on the Barbie™. (What did that even MEAN?))

 — it can make a difference. (Didja ever notice that, while different is always, well, different, it’s only SOMETIMES better?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes):

http://www.humorscope.com

It takes two hands to handle a cowgrass)