Right, Humpster! Do your nasty thing!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thoroughly Modern Millie, November 10, 2011.  Happy birthday to Miz LOretta, who turns twenty-four today.  Our Gentle Readers who have been clutching their pearls in concern since yesterday over Our recent trials with insomnia can relax; We went to bed at a reasonable hour last night and slept the entire night through, without so much as getting up to pee.  (Which does NOT mean that We peed without getting up.  Sorry to disappoint Our watersports-enthusiast readers.)

In Our never-ending quest to give Our adoring public what it so desperately desires, We tirelessly review Our Google-O-Meter™ statistics to learn what, if anything, We could do to Build A Better Mousetrap.  (It just occurred to Us that “mousetrap” is an excellent euphemism for “snatch”.  (We threw that in because We noticed that Our prose was getting a bit florid, and We wanted to make sure the str8 bois stayed awake.))  In the course of this morning’s review, We learned that someone had arrived at these hallowed pages by Googling “humpster”.  No surprise there, as We have often used that word on the occasion of Hump Day.  Upon further research, We learned that Googling “humpster” returns 117,000 hits, and that these epistles do not appear in the first 100 of them.  We also learned that there is a song entitled “Right Humpster” by a band with the most excellent name of Cynicism Management, We had Our first exposure to the slur “your mother is a humpster in a dumpster”, and We encountered Our Erix Daily Horoscope New Word Of The Day Du Jour Ma Cherie Amour At A Quarter To Four, “fagnuts”, into which We are about to look further.

Knowledge is, as they say, Stephanie Powers.  (We have no idea why they say that.)

We have looked further into “fagnuts”.  Never mind. (We were naively imagining some delectable confection to be obtained at One’s local candy emporium. (What would Jesus do for a Klondike™ bar?))

Oh, are you still here?  Well, here’s this:

It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzWPpMcE_go

Thank you so very much, and yes, that was a prerecorded message.  (Well, a pretyped message. (Imagine if, instead of typing this, We did it as a vlog every day.  (Don’t worry….ain’t gonna happen.  No way are We gonna take a pixture of Ourself looking like this, much less a video.)))

The preceding about the pretyped message was also a pretyped message. 

As was the preceding.  Also, the calls are coming from inside the house. And here’s the HorrorScope:

Finances are much on your mind today, (Our finances are all in Our mind.)

 which could be good or bad for you.  (Way to clarify.  Asshat.)

See if you can make the best of your situation, (Why does that sound so much like a dare?)

as your mental state is perfect for handling money and writing up budgets. (Actually, Our mental state?  Is Nebraska.)

Embrace the unpredictability of this day, (Hmm…if “predictable” is a word, why isn’t “postdictable”?  After all, many more things are postdictable than are predictable. For example, many of you are probably expecting a dick joke to appear here, but We are not that predictable.)

(Sometimes the subtlety and the nuance of Our humor impresses even Us Our Own Self.)

(This is not one of those times.)

and no matter what happens remain calm!  (We would, but now you’ve gone and used an exclamation point!)

The tasks you face may not be easy, (But your mother is a humpster in a dumpster.)

but everyone is rooting for you, (Everyone is rooting for truffles, fagnuts.)

and you can feed on that positive energy (The hell you say.)

to get the strength you need to make an impression. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Rich Little.)

Your heart is struggling with a choice — share your dilemma with someone who’s unfamiliar with your past, (Share Our dilemma?!?  What if We don’t have enough to go around.)

and get a fresh perspective. (Or a fresh persimmon. (We have no idea where that came from.  Also, We have precious little familiarity with persimmons.  Isn’t persimmon a Crayola™ color?  (We just Googled it on Wikipedia…oddly enough, no.  We wonder where We got the idea?)))

If everything in life were easy, (We’d get laid more often?)

you could never see the great strength you possess.  (Snatch this pebble from Our snatch, Glasshoppah.)

Brevity is an awesome goal when it comes to dating. (Mmm-hmm.  Because who doesn’t love premature ejaculation?)

 Instead of planning long, drawn-out dinners, shoot for short but fun-packed outings. (Insert “fudge-packed” joke here.  Fagnuts.)

Meet for dessert or breakfast — keep it succinct.  (Ah, yes, indeed…a romantic date at the iHop.  Gives a whole new meaning to “rooty-tooty fresh and fruity”.  (No, really…a WHOLE new meaning.  Think about it.))

Time management is all about strategy! (But Cynicism Management is Our new favorite band.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night.

                                        

                                                                                                                                                           

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, April 05, 2011.  Happy birthday to MizDonna, who turns twenty-four today.  She is, of course, one of Our fellow Arieses...Aryans…plurals are difficult, especially around the holidays.  At any rate, We hope there is cake. (We Our Own Self Personally are way too fat for cake.  Although it has just this minute occurred to Us that, if they can make Carrot Cake, they should certainly be able to make Celery Cake, and THAT should be low calorie, yes? (How many of you saw that capital-C “Carrot” and thought We were going to talk about Carrottop?  Now THERE’S a weight-loss plan. Google his ass and look at some images…bulimia was never so simple. (You’re thinking about Carrottop’s ass now, aren’t you?  Perverted wankers.)))

Meanwhile, Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change the “way too” in “way too fat” in the preceding paragraph to “excessively”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is gay.

So today, when nefarious demons of the WorldWideInterWebNetz are NOT terrorizing Us by attempting to plunder Our two shekels that We have to rub together, it has decided to be monsoon season outside.  April Showers bring Stephanie Powers, or something. Fortunately, Our neglected to-do list from yesterday contains many tasks that can be accomplished within OurHovelWhereWeDwell. (Why would anyone actually sit around and rub two shekels…er, nickels together?  And does that sound dirty to you?)

Speaking of Our impecunity (it has been a really long time since We’ve declared an Eric’s Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour in here…mostly We just assume, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman as she thinks about Carrottop’s ass, that you are following along.  But We may have to invent that “impecunity” is the Word Of The YEAR.), We were on SitOnMyFaceBook earlier, on Stouffer’s page (yes, the frozen food people.  If you “like” their page, and play the little game there, they will send you a coupon for a free frozen dinner.  You’re welcome.) We were entering some little sweepstakes that they have, wherein you supply words, a la Mad Libs™, which are used to create a little story, which becomes your contest entry.  Now, We are well aware that sometimes Our sense of humor may be a little more ribald that MainStream America (puke) can handle, so We were being well-behaved.  Or so We thought.  Here is what the clearly deeply disturbed people at Stouffer’s said to Us:

“Please keep your answers clean! You need to change the word: fricassee.”

We couldn’t make up comedy like that.                                                

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. ((And again and again and again some more.(We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self. (In fact, We may just do it forever and ever.  Or at least till its existence is acknowledged.))):

And so, without a boy named Sue:

Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order.
Hop On Pop, Rwanda made an error.
Ivory soap, Ivory soap on order..
‘Mo, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, hoMO, ho, ho, homo!

Is it time for an inventory? (No, but it’s time for the Spanish Inquisition.  Because NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

Even if your workplace has all its stuff well accounted for, (Pigfu(kers.)

you might find some merit in taking stock of what you’ve got around the house. (Well, We at one point had two shekels to rub together.  But apparently that was more fun than We were allowed to have.)

No one wants to be a hoarder, right?  (Little shop, little shop of hoarders…(We shall sing if We want to.  Fricassee you!))

As always, it’s important that you succeed right now (Can We succeed later?  We’re busy now.)

— but it’s even more important that you avoid putting too much pressure on yourself.  (ExACTly.  Why procrastinate today when We can put it off till tomorrow?)

Go easy! (“Easy” is Our middle name.  Well, Our middle initials.  Starzina E. Z. Starfish-Browne.  The Z is neither for Zelda nor for Zinnia.  And the E is silent.)

(That was a little existential humor, for the Zen Buddhists in the house.  (The Z is not for Zen Buddhist, either. (Nor is the E for Existential. (It’s like the sound of one hand clapping, except it’s one deaf-mute laughing.))))

 Pressure, stress and self-doubt are your biggest enemies right now, (And We’re pretty sure Carrottop’s ass is high on the list, as well.)

(Count your damn blessings that We went back to Carrottop’s ass…We were going to do a “biggest enemas” pun.  In GALLONS.)

and they could cause a bit of a landslide if you’re not careful. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!  “Biggest enemas”…”landslide”…more like a MUDSLIDE!!!  Carrottop’s ass fricassee!)

(That would be called throwing your proverbial enema at the comedy wall to see what sticks.)

The good news is that you already have all the power you need to conquer anything — (See, this is why Dorothy should punch Glinda the Good Witch right in her curly blond face….”You’ve ALWAYS had the power to go home”.  Oh, yeah, bitch?  Well, why the fu(k didn’t you tell me that at the BEGINNING of the movie, you stupid twat?)

(Sorry, was that the outside voice?)

it’s deep inside of you.  (Trust Us, no it isn’t.)

When you need it, all you have to do is believe and it will be there. (This is more of that creative viZZZualization horseshit, isn’t it? Much like every week when We creatively viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall™, and then We don’t fu(king win PowerBall.)

(Was anyone else totally impressed that Micro$oft Weird™ just accepted “horseshit” without batting an eye?)

 If you’re interested in someone, but don’t know what makes them tick — or ticked off — (Try fisting them with the arm you wear your wristwatch on.)

(Heh.  Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

then you need to channel your inner detective (Unfortunately for Us, Our inner detective is Miss Marple, and that’s just nasty.)

and find out all you can about their passions (For fashions and cravings for savings?)

and obsessions. (Screw that…find out if they’re fond of fricasseeing.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.