Lay. Dee. Willpower. It’s Nower Never. Give your love to me.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  October Sebbenteenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Caitlin, who turns twenty-four today somewhere across the bridge in Jew Nersey.

     

Also, Happy Birthday to Our Aunt B., who turns twenty-four today In Hummelstown.  Near Hershey.           

It is entirely possible that “Jew Nersey” was Our very last geographical joke.

Sigh.

We are having a very tiring week, due to a pressing issue at the Murder Mystery Factory, which is so boring that just thinking about describing it here is sending Us into a coma.

We have also been visited by the PC Police, which was going to send Us off on a screed, except there are only fumes in Our tank, so We probably couldn’t work up a full-on screed, so yeah, yeah, We’re guilty until proven innocent, PC Police, blah-blah-blah shut-up-cakes.

(Do you know anyone who’s LESS PC than We are?  Seriously?)

We also have a few pithy things to say on the subject of Ebola, but, once again, We really can’t be arsed.  Which could mean that Monday’s e-pissode will be full of Snap!Crackwhore!andPop!  (Or it could mean We will have a pleasant weekend and forget all about it. (We will NOT, however, have as pleasant a weekend as We had LAST weekend, so there’s that.))

(Is “Snap!Crackwhore!andPop!” insulting to crackwhores?  Or pops?  Is “Jew Nersey” insulting to Jews?  Inquiring minds want to know.  (Our Own Personal mind doesn’t give a wet fart in a strong wind.  Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.))

Okay, so, if you are on Twatter, and you like musical theatre, you totally need to be following @AngrySondheim .  He is currently twatting a series of #RejectedPeanutsSpecials:

Have A Little Priest, Charlie Brown

There Are Worse Things Than Posing For A Picture On A Sunday, Charlie Brown

No One Has Ever Loved You, Charlie Brown

If you prefer your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! linkouts with a  little more content/food for thought, check out Terry of Tribe of Fools blog, What Bros Knows.  This particular entry is relevant to an experience We shared with all y’all last winter.  It is Safe For Work (unless you read aloud when you read (you motherfuckers think We fucking swear a lot…))  Go here:  http://whatbrosknows.blogspot.com/2014/10/on-subject-of-hate-in-company-of.html

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, it is Gary Puckett’s birthday.  Yes, of Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.  Jeebus Cripes, you’re old.  (Also, “Puckett” rhymes with “fuck it”, which is Our mantra du jour.)

Ya know what’s good about dinner parties?  Leftover lasagna.

·         Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.

·         Taurus You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.

·         Gemini A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.

·         Cancer The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.

·         Leo You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.

·         Virgo The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.

·         Libra Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.

·         Scorpio While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.

·         Sagittarius Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.

·         Capricorn You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.

·         Aquarius Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.

·         Pisces You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Lady willpower, it’s now or never, give your love to me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 14, 2011.  Happy birthday to Berdine, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy belated birthday to Sean, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, albeit on The Left Coast, so, presumably, he turned twenty-four a few hours later than he ordinarily would have (on The Right Coast).  Of course, with the shift to Daylight Saving Time, he may have missed turning anything whatsoever.  In case anyone is concerned, it appears that he is still gorgeous.  So there’s that.

Within ten minutes of mounting (oooooohhh!) the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, We were sick to the very death of hearing about Pi Day, especially as we were fairly sure there was no pie in Our immediate future.  So, instead of wishing you a happy Pi Day, we shall wish you a Happy Daylight Saving Time Day. The fact that it was still light out a 7PM last evening did indeed warm the cockles of what passes for Our heart.  (Please pardon Us for a moment…first Sean, now cockles…We shall have to hunt down Our smelling salts, as  We are clearly about to have The Vapors.)

Himself, of course, is still fast abed, the change in time having completely addled what’s left of his brain.  (Although it wouldn’t surprise Us in the least if he were dreaming of Sean, and cockles, and Sean’s cockles. (We used to be into S&M, necrophilia, and bestiality, but then We realized We were just beating a dead horse.))  Himself and his little friends (that is, of course, they in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Marcel Marceau Brigitte Bardot Jacques Cousteau Dack Rambo) are working their fingers to the funny bone to bring an hysterical evening of sketch comedy to the Helium Comedy Club this very Hump Day.   Here is an article you may have seen about them in today’s Metro on your morning commute:  http://www.metro.us/philadelphia/entertainment/article/801631--waitstaff-sets-the-stage  and here is how you buy tickets, which, We are told, are selling like hot cakes.  Or hot cross buns.  Or hot Sean’s cockles.  Or something: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/382  .


Here is another piece of media that just came in as We went to press: http://www.flyingkitemedia.com/features/realhousewivesofsouthphilly0315.aspx

So We’ll see you all on Wednesday, yes?

Despite occasional transgressions like Pi Day, We do so desperately love Our WorldWideInterWebNetz…how else would We get emails from SitOnMyFaceBook telling Us that “Ruth Buzzi has accepted your friend request”?

And now, from Our cockles to yours (and here’s an explanation of cockles that’ll dampen your ardor for the entire subject: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-coc2.htm , unless, of course, you immediately switch to thoughts of Sean’s hot cross buns), herewith Les Scopé du Horreur (some people speak Frawnch fluently…We speak it with a certain je ne sais crotch):

If you get things moving today, (And, having had Our bran, We no doubt will.)

you are sure to find that people are accommodating. (Yay!  Let the poo-flinging commence!)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would have it that “poo” is not a word.  Apparently, it has not heard of Winnie The Poo And Titter Two.  (We have discovered a fascinating legal loophole…obviously, child pornography is illegal when it is pornography with children IN it.  However, it becomes a much grayer area when it is pornography FOR children.  Look at Barney, for example.))

(So sorry.  We would tell you NOT to think about Barney now, but that would We suspect, have the opposite effect.  Much like if We said “try not to think about fornicating lemurs”, you would be able to think of precious little else BUT fornicating lemurs.  (Assuming, of course, that you know what a lemur is.  But then of course you are OUR Gentle Readers, so you’re clever that way. (Notice how it didn’t even cross Our mind(s) that you wouldn’t’ know what “fornicating” is.)))

(We initially mistyped “but then” as one word in the preceding (“butthen”), which, naturally, made Us think of “buttsex”, which, of course, brings Us full-circle back to Barney.)

(Whatever you do, DON’T think of Barney naked.)

(No, not Barney Rubble, either.)

(Wow.  That was a lot of stuff, and We’ve only had Kelli’s first sentence so far.  Moving (heh) on.)

Your energy favors initiative and momentum, (Not to mention Sucretia and her cousin, Mitochondria.)

especially in matters relating to the heart. (To say nothing of its cockles.  (No, really…say NOTHING. (We’ve just gotten Sean calmed down after “Winnie The Poo And Titter Two.”)))

Make a big change!  (This boy is a woman now…he’s found out what it's all about …and she's learning, learning to live ...)

(Many of you are now asking yourselves the musical question “Whatever happened to Gary Puckett and the Union Gap?”  (The youngsters, of course, are asking, ”What the fu(k is the old battleaxe nattering on about now?”)  Well, here is their very own website, whence you can order something called “The Lost Tapes”.  Which comes, cleverly, on CD.  You’re welcome.  http://www.garypuckettmusic.com/ )

 You spent quite a bit of your hard-earned money last month — but it was Valentine’s Day, 

(Actually, We’re not sure how YOUR calendar works, but, on OUR calendar, last month was called “February”. Asshat.)

and we all tend to get a little crazy around then. (Who you callin’ crazy?)

It’s only surprising that you didn’t get crazier and spend even more than you did. (Speaking of spending, most of you are aware of Our financial situation, and the fact that We don’t have two nickels to rub together.  Well, in Our travels on Saturday, We actually found two nickels lying in the street.  So We brought them home,  and rubbed them together.  Maybe We did it wrong, because this “rubbing nickels together” business?  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  Just sayin’.)

 You’ve just realized that the one thing you didn’t buy was something you really, actually need for yourself — because the time just didn’t seem right. (Also, because what the hell are We supposed to buy with two nickels?)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “what the hell” in the preceding sentence  to “what”.  Micro$oft Weird™ needs to shut its fu(kin’ pi-hole, or We’re gonna change it to “what the fu(king fu(kety-fu(k?”)

Well, sit down with your pad and paper, and maybe you can work it out.  (Or sit down with your Maxi-Pad™ and your rolling papers, and maybe you won’t CARE if you work it out.)

Your reaction may be instantaneous, but do you really want to broadcast it as-is? (We are, at the moment, giving serious consideration to broadcasting ass-over-teakettle.)

Take a deep breath or two and let your feelings evolve. (Our feelings do not evolve.  Our feelings were all created by God in six days.  And on the seventh day, He was arrested.  For perjury.  The whackadoodles never tell that part.)

 Try bouncing them off someone close. (We are looking long and hard (hi, Sean) for an appropriate antecedent for “them”.  We thought she might be making a poo-flinging reference, but then We realized that appropriately-flung poo sticks, it doesn’t bounce.   So We have decided, in Our infinite wisdom, that “them” refers to old Smith-Corona typewriters.)

(Duck, Ducks!)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.