She works hard for the money

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, September 27^st, 2013.  We have been so hard at work here this morning at Casa de Crackpot that We weren’t even going to e-pisstlize.  But then We realized that it is Corinna’s birthday, and We had to wish Corinna a Happy Birthday.  After all, We once saw her eat Good’n’Plenty™ with the Devil.

So Happy Birthday to Corinna, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And what, you ask, have We been so busy with?  Well, trying to get you to stop using prepositions with which to end sentences, for one thing.  But, more importantly, with remounting (ooooohhhh!) Our show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, the best-kept secret of the 2013 Philadelphia Fringe Festival, so that everyone who was too busy Fringing can have a chance to see it.  So get your tickets now, kidz; We’re doing it one night only, Sunday, October 13 at 7:30 at L’Etage:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/478137

And here is the HorrorScope:

So in celebrity birthday news, it would appear that Corinna shares her special day with Wilfred Brimley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Shaun Cassidy, and Meat Loaf. Now, who wouldn’t pay cash money to see a play with Corinna and THAT cast?  Leave your very best suggestions as to just what play that might be in the comments below.

Extra credit if it’s a musical.

Extra extra credit if Wilfred Brimley has a nude scene.

That being about all the excitement We can take for one day, We shall leave you, in lieu of AssHat Kelli’s blatherings, with a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

          

Welcome to Madame Olivia. It's lovely to have you back.

A dear friend of Madame Olivia's says that when she goes to bed at night she banishes the worries of the day by envisioning a gentle waterfall cascading over her, washing the cares from her head, shoulders, waist, all the way down and off her toes.

(So you’re saying she gets her cootchie power-washed?  (Sorry…We couldn’t resist.  Carry on…))

What a gentle imagining. And cleansing. Madame Olivia has tried it and finds it a wonderfully soothing nighttime ritual.

(Slut. (Oooops…never mind.))

Aries, part of your life task is self-expression. You've got the management thing pretty well in hand, but where is the real you? What you're going through may be unsettling, but in the process you will lose a husk of repression. You're going to make some wonderful discoveries. Believe it: blossoming will ensue.

Important color for you at this time: ruby red

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, September 27, 2012.  Well, it may be that We shan’t exactly expire this time around.  Our apologies to those who were hoping otherwise.  It appears that We were only cognizant of the third of the dengue-fever-bubonic-plague-syphilitic-chlamydia’s Three Days Coming, have now lived through all three of its Three Days With You, and are now on the first of the Three Days Going.  It’s like The Twelve Days of Christmas, except with fluorescent green snot.  So far, We are left with an ear that won’t unplug and a chesty cough.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), Chesty Cough is, of course, a female porn star.  She does str8 porn.  She smokes cigars.  Sometimes three at a time. And blows smoke rings.  Also sometimes three at a time.  (Honestly, sometimes this stuff just writes itself.  Meanwhile, even Our str8 Boi Readers With Erectile Dysfunction just popped boners.  Because We?  Are Just. That. Good.))

(All y’all are picturing Chesty Cough now, aren’t you?  (Well, those who aren’t picturing Our str8 boi readers’ boners.) Her latest cinematic endeavor was entittled (heh) Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar.)

But We digress.  We also have a plumbing problem, but that’s the plumbing in OurHouseWhereWeLive, not Our Own Personal plumbing.  We don’t suppose any of you bois who are handy with tools would care to come over and check out Our pipes?

What’d We say?

In other news, this was quite a week for celebrity birthdays that We had to miss out on because We were under the weather.  And today is no exception.  Perhaps it’s just as well We can’t go out amongst the living, as We would have to decide between partying with Shaun Cassidy, Wilford Brimley, or Meat Loaf.   We are not, of course, invited to Gwyneth Paltrow’s party, after last year’s incident in which We baked her an Apple pie.

(The layers and levels of humor in here are just infinite, no?  Like an enigma cloaked in a riddle wrapped in a mystery rolled up in a rolling paper smoked by a pothead on the corner of 40^th and Baltimore.)

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

We are inordinately pleased with Ourself that, in the mdist of Our affliction, We managed to do two loads of laundry and run the dishwasher.  Which We have just finished emptying.  And YOU.  Are There. (Kiss Us quick, we’re Walter Cronkite.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You’ve got to find people you can get along with (See, in Our head, Barbra Streisand is now singing, “People….Soylent Green is people…”.   Speaking of Barbra Streisand (We’ll take Old Gay People Phrases for $500, Alex), We just saw a trailer for a fillum in which she plays Seth Rogen’s mother, who is driving cross-country with him.  It is called The Guilt Trip, no, We’re not making that up, and way to shoot for relevance, Babs.)

— though that could just mean your friends and family. (Did We stumble into an AT&T commercial?  Do We suddenly have corporate sponsorship?)

It’s important for everyone to be on the same page today, (Said one Republican congressman to another.)

so communication is essential.  (What about excommunication?)

Today some important people will be paying attention to you. (We can virtually guarantee you that absolutely nothing of the kind will be happening.  Unless We have some sort of stroke and take off all of Our clothes at the Ack-A-Me.)

Are you ready? (Yes, I’m ready.)

(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Whenever the bright spotlight is aimed right at you, it’s important to take your time. (Is there such a thing as a dim spotlight?  We’re pretty sure not.)

Plan your actions ahead. (Yeah, the technical term in the biz would be “rehearse”.  You asshatted asshat who’s wearing her ass as a hat.)

Knowing that eyes are on you (Is kind of creepy, actually.)

might get your nerves pulsing, (So might Chesty Cough, at least for SOME of Our readers.)

but don’t try to rush ahead and show them something just for the sake of showing them something.  (We would make a “Burlesque” joke here, but We’re pretty sure that having Barbra Streisand and Cher in the same horoscope would make Us gayer than Liberace’s poodle’s merkin.)

You’ve got to impress them with a true display of what you can do. (How ‘bout a true display of WHO We can do?)

The pressure may be on, (In Our right ear, anyway.)

 but you can excel under it.  (Okay, We’ve drawn a blank on that one…audience participation?)

You’ve got both innovative thinking and great follow-through right now. (Obviously We’re about to play golf on Uranus.)

(How do We do it?  We have no idea.)

So how will you use these stellar qualities when it comes to your love life? (Sparingly, apparently.)

Get something started — and then keep it going.  (Way to be specific.  Bitch.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

For some, it’s pills, for some, it’s pot, for some, it’s poppers and god-knows-what

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thank Dawg It’s Fried Eggs, October 7, 2011.  Happy birthday in advance to Josh, who turns twenty-four this weekend in The Big Over Easy.  (Sorry…the fried eggs got Us a little confused.)

We are still keeping it simple today, as We know how easily you all are distracted by shiny things. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has arrived (perfection takes TIME, Ducks) and you can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

We noticed that nobody answered Our question yesterday, so here it is taking up space again for your ignoring pleasure:

 (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), parental guidance suggested (no, your parents aren’t in here), have any of you ever passed a Starzina video along to a friend who’s having a birthday?  Say, for example, you had a friend (We were going to be mean, and put the period there, but We’re trying to make a point) who had a birthday today; would it ever occur to you to copy this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk , plunk it down on their SitOnMyFaceBook page, and say “Don’t say I never gave you nuffin’, and many happy returns”?)

We didn’t think so.  WHY NOT?

Meanwhile, here at Short Attention Span Theatre…oh, look; a balloon!  We got out of mocking Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) Our Own Self for exactly one day before Our brilliant scheme collapsed.  Sigh.  So now, the muumuu you’ve all been wading for : Wilfred Brimley’s high colonic.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You like to blaze trails (Okay.  If, by “trails”, you mean “Most Excellent Ganja”. (Drug jokes, for those scholars of comedy who are following along, work much better in live performance than in printed matter.  Just so ya know.))

-- but on a day like today, your leadership skills are better used to get other people organized.  (Oh, sure.  Like it’s OUR job to organize the damn Other People.  Lettuce just get out Our Dewey Decimal System.  And Our Chewy Caramel Sixpack.)

(Hey, if We were (subjunctively) actually high, We’d make even LESS sense.)

 You ought to be able to make a great plan come together.  (Right now…over me…)

(Speaking of high, that there was a little Beatles.  Beatles wobble but they can’t all frown.)

(What?)

Can you tell the difference between a real problem and an imagined problem in your life?  (No.  And that’s a real problem, We imagine.)

(See what We did there?  That right there was the Riddler, wrapped in mystery meat, and covered with an igloo.  Which is just another way of saying that Jim Carrey has a really large penis, no?)

There is a lot of drama going on around you, (Save the drama for the Dalai Lama.)

and it could be making you think there are dilemmas where none truly exist.  (Alternatively, it could make Us think there were dyslexics where neon unruly sexists.)

(Tom Cruise is one fucked-up dyslexic motherfucker.  We’d dill stew him, though.  (We put that in there just for Jill, who We hear is pre-gaming for Yom Kippur.  Hi, Jill!))

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because someone makes a lot of noise that they have an issue you need to help solve.  (Well, DUH.  We were not born yesterday.  (No, really.  Because We looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”.  (Also, We (vaguely) remember the day before that.)))

They probably want your attention, but you don’t have to give it to them.  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Focus on what you know matters, (Not on what you moan, adders.)

not on what they tell you matters.  (By Mattel™.)

(WHAT?)

No one can predict the future, (Then what the fuck are We listening to YOU for?)

 but you can help shape it a little by making the right decisions.  (And by wearing Spanx™.  Or do those just shape the past?)

This includes your romantic life.  (Jigga WUT?)

Don’t date the wrong person just to have a social life. (Wait…that’s an option?!?)

Design your destiny with smarter dating choices. (Fifty million grandmothers just started needlepointing samplers.  “Design your destiny…”…oh, shut the fuck up!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Fear’s in the water, dragging down your daughter

                                                                                     

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Jonathan Frid Day, July 29, 2011.  Good lord, here’s July practically OVAH, and We have yet to see the ocean this summer.  Of course, We did see it last December, and last April, so Our oceanic circadian rhythm methods may be a little off.  And that was two different oceans, one of which, We are told, was the Gulf of Mexico.  Geography was never Our strong suit.  Actually, We’ve never had a strong suit.  We’re just praying that Our Playtex™ Living Girdle doesn’t die. (Is it just Us, or was that last sentence the title of a James Bond film that never got made?)

Himself, meanwhile, is still lolling about in his footie pajamas.  One of his survey companies is paying him to test some new teeth whitening strips, so he would have Us believe that he’s working. Why he needs white teeth when We are the only One who ever sees him is entirely beyond Us.  His teeth could be green and furry for all We care. (We shall pause for station identification while YouAll picture Himself with Muppets for teeth.  Said Muppets may or may not be singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”)

Speaking of Himself, last night was the first rehearsal where he put down his script and did the entire show from what passes for his memory.  Not too bad for a senile old goat.  He may actually be ready to perform come Fringe Festival Time.  In case We have been unclear on this subject, Himself will be bringing back his marriage equality one-man show, The Wedding Consultant, from September 2-18, at the Walnut Street Theatre Independence Studio on 3. Needless to say (and yet promptly saying it), you are all expected to attend. Especially those who didn’t so much show up last time.  And yes, We have kept records.  You can obtain tickets here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622

But enough about Himself.  Since when is this all about Him?  Let’s talk about Ourself.  We are in the midst of preparations to shoot the next Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope video, and We are very excited.  This will of course be the Virgo edition, and if you know anything about Our history (which is right down below in fine print, and has been for over a year and a half now), you know that this is destined to be A Very Special Episode Of Blossom.  Speaking of Our history, here is a little Starzina trivia quiz to amuse you on this summer Friday; whoever gets the most answers correct will win A Very Special Prize (which will have nothing whatsoever to do with Mayim Bialik):

1.  What was the name of the webzine for which Starzina was originally created?

2.  Which of Starzina’s toes was bleeding profusely throughout the filming of the Gemini video?  (See how fair this is…you have a one in twelve chance of getting that right.)

3. What two Philadelphia theatre celebrities were referenced by Starzina in the show in which she made her first public appearance?

4. Who was the only member of the WaitStaff who appeared in the aforementioned show?

5. What color are Starzina’s shoes in the three videos that are currently available?

And here’s where you can find that last answer:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Wilfred Brimley’s diaper rash.  Or, the HorrorScope:

You are much less able to handle the stress that comes from messy work and living spaces today, so you may as well spend your time cleaning up and getting ready for the burst of energy that’s coming soon.  (Now, see.  That there is an example of how the more words Kelli uses, the less sense she makes.  If We were (oh, so subjunctively) going to clean, wouldn’t we be sensible to WAIT for this burst of energy she claims is coming to do so?)

 Don’t act surprised (SURPRISE!)

when you receive some positive feedback from an unlikely source today.  (Yeah.  That’ll happen.)

 After all, you need to start getting used to more attention and greater accolades from everyone around you.  (We are hoping this Virgo video will put Us on the map.  In the meantime, go watch the other three.  And, more importantly, send your friends.  Why do YouPeople never send your friends?)

Not only are your usual allies lining up to congratulate you, (That’s gonna be a very short line.)

but the higher ups and people in power are noticing you in a new light as well.  (Well, then We’d best powder Our nose.  Who’s got some nose powder?  (That might explain that burst of energy she’s nattering on about.))

If you get a bit overwhelmed by the attention, that’s okay — be yourself and react the way you feel.  (Be Ourselves and react the ways We feel…sometimes The Royal We just makes for a grammatical morass.  And the last thing We need is more ass.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

But try to make the most of your time in the limelight.  (Why is it “limelight”?  Who wants to stand around in a green light?  How could that possibly be flattering?  How about “lemonlight”?  Or, more to the point for those of Us Of A Certain Age (twenty-four) “roselight”?)

You wake up feeling quite emotional, but don’t suppress it!  (Damn menopause.)

Call up a thoughtful friend and cry your eyes out, if that’s what you need.  (Won’t THAT just cause Our popularity to soar?)

Clearing out all that bad energy lets you to get a clean start. (So it’s like an energy enema?  (Everybody sing along: “Ener-GEE Ene-MAAA, Ener-GEE, Ene-MA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…”))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.