Hey Zanna Ho Zanna Zanna Zanna HO!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, March 29, 2013. Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Aileen, who turns twenty-four this weekend.  Also, Happy-Birthday-In-Advance to Mark, who also turns twenty-four this weekend. 

And Happy Good Friday to the rest of all y’all.  Ya know, in addition to all of its other faults, the Catholic Church clearly lacks a sense of proportion.  Here is The Son Of Gawd, fercrissakes, dying a horrible death for your sins, and to save you from The Wrath Of Khan, or whatever, and the best adjective you can come up with for the day is “Good”?  Jeebus!

Meanwhile, if you were (subjunctively) said Son Of Gawd, We are guessing that “Good” would not be exactly how You would describe Your day.  (Unlike The Royal We and Our, that was, of course, The Holy You and Your.)  Jesus: “This is NOT what I meant by ‘getting My nails done’!”

We are going to keep this short and sweet (well, short, anyway) today, as We know that, if you are at work, you are leaving early, and, if you are not at work, you are busy filling your basket, or other Easter-related activities.  We Our Own Self Personally were supposed to be having a str8 boi come over this evening so We could dye his eggs, but that activity has been postponed till a later date.

Speaking of str8 bois’ eggs and rising from the dead,  here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Meanwhile, condoms that taste like bacon?  Honey, if We could taste Our Own condoms, We’d never leave the house.  (Now how ‘bout somebody invents a condom that tastes like KEVIN Bacon?)

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

In other news, Happy Birthday to Chris Massoglia, some famous guy you’ve never heard of, who turns twenty-one today.  Stop over later, and We’ll dye your eggs.

You are moving more slowly through your tasks and social obligations  (Little Rhoda and her social obligations…(In other news, it is also Eileen Heckart’s birthday today. But trust Us, Chris Massoglia is prettier. (No offense to Miss Heckart…she is, after all, ya know, DEAD.  Which will just wreak havoc with One’s beauty regimen.)))

than you would like (Oh…is Kelli still talking?)

— but there’s no rushing this time around!  (There is, however, a random exclamation point to convey a false sense of urgency.)

Try to make sure that you’re on top of your to-do list.  (You hear that, Chris Massoglia?  WE’RE on top.)

Someone who is known for being unusually introverted is going to surprise you today (SURPRISE!!!)

when they burst out of their shell (How EGGciting!)

and stir up some exciting ideas. (EGGciting…get with the program.)

Get involved with what they have got going on — after all, if it has created such a dramatic transformation in their life, it must be something worth pursuing. (Oh, sure…one introvert makes an omelet, and We’re supposed to chase them all around the mulberry bush.)

Things are changing in their life, and you are an inspiration for some of that change. (Why We can’t inspire folding money, We’ll never know.)

 This is your chance to be someone’s personal cheerleader.  (Wait till they get a load of THESE pompoms!)

Get out there and give them a hand.  (You heard the lady, Chris Massoglia.)

 Ready for some fun?  (No.)

(Didn’t expect THAT, didja?  Now what?)

You’re in adventurer mode, ready to walk into all sorts of situations and talk to all sorts of people.  (You’re picturing Us all dressed up like Dora the Explorer, aren’t you?  Pervert.)

Your outgoing ways may initially take some aback, (Not to mention affront.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but you’ve got the charm to win ’em over.  (Again with this SINGULAR charm that We allegedly have…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Hippity, etc.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodFriedEgg, April 6, 2012.  (It is unclear to Us what would make one fried egg better than another, and if you are so kitchen-incompetent that you can make a BAD fried egg, We certainly don’t want to eat at YOUR house, but whatevs.)  Happy GoodFriedEgg.  Also, Happy Belated Holy Thursday.  We had a friend over last night for what We now realize was a celebration of The Last Supper, although, based on the size of Our ass, The Last Supper for Us should have been quite some time ago.  On the other hand, who’s gonna celebrate a holiday called The Last Slim-Fast™?

Also also, Happy Easter in advance.  And Happy Passover to Our Jewish friends.  Easter and Passover seem to be coinciding this year, which makes Us wonder why they don’t coincide every year.  After all, wasn’t Jesus celebrating Passover immediately before his unfortunate brush with the law?  Why does The Church feel the need to do all this hocus-pocus with full moons and whatnot, when all they need to do is say, “When’s Passover?...There’s Easter.”  Boom…done.

Clearly, We would make a most excellent Pope. (We already have the dresses for it. (Is anyone else picturing the current Pope, in his prettiest party dress, saying, “Boom…done”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.))

So, other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, what did you think of Dallas?  We have got absolutively nothing, as you can plainly see.  Perhaps if We go now and pick out the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us…

…nope, that didn’t work.

Maybe you should all go watch Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

Here it is again, in case you missed it:

http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM

Before We start telling you the story of how, after The Last Supper, Our phone died, only to rise from the dead in the middle of the night (no, We’re not making that up…Our smart phone is apparently so smart it’s messianic), perhaps We should begin the HorrorScope (there is, presumably, not much call for the word “messianic”, but Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes it all the same.  Good job, Micro$oft Weird™.):

It just occurred to Us that We have jellybeans.  Life is good.

Try to put aside your own needs for one day (That should be simplicity itself…everybody else manages to do it constantly.)

— you can do much more good if you externalize all this energy! (Not if We simultaneously internalize all this inertia.)

(Is anyone else now singing “Accen-tu-ate the Positive”? Just Us?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

(How is it that We have yet to make that saying catch on?)

(Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.)

(Oh, good…not only are We Arguing with Ourself, We’re losing.)

(Is it wrong that We are imagining the porno version, “Stop trying to make “felch” happen”?)

Consider it an investment or something even bigger, (Was that a fat joke?)

and you should do just fine.  (We should do a lot of things.  “Just fine” never seems to be one of them.  “Larry Fine” is, mercifully, another.)

The items you have on your wish list are closer than ever to being yours today, thanks in part to the magnanimous charm you’re displaying. (Ah, yes, the old “magnanimous charm” trick.)

You’re being generous with some powerful people, and they want to return the favor.  (How is it that she manages to make that sound like a threat?)

Graciously accept what they give you, and don’t act as if you think you’re undeserving. (Have you met Us?)

Being unable to accept gifts isn’t a sign of sophistication. (Don’t look a gift whore in the mouth.  (You may, however, look her in the bouche.  But only if it amuses you.))

(Who the hell let Neil Patrick Harris in here?  And why isn’t he naked?)

 It’s a sign that you feel guilty about something — and you have nothing to feel guilty about!  (Certainly not.  It’s not as though We’ve had, say, impure thoughts.)

Today, do something that goes against your nature: Say no. (Oh. My. God.  You’re as bad as that bitch of a Nancy Reagan.  Just say no, THANK YOU.)

You’re operating on information overload — it’s as if everyone wants a piece of you.  (We defy you to show Us ONE PERSON who “wants a piece of” Us.  We’ll wait.)

Save your sanity and bow out of unnecessary social obligations. (Our sanity is ancient history, and we’re much too busy imagining that last sentence  being uttered by Eileen Heckart in The Bad Seed.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Running for the shelter of her Mother’s Little Helper

Greetings, Esthete Repeats Indiscreet Countertweet---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 01, 2010 (Ah, December!  Clearly coming in like a lanai, and out like a lambada instructor.  (Whatever happened to the lambada?  Once a dance craze, now not even recognized by Micro$oft Weird™.  Sigh.  All good things must come to Our rear end.)  Happy birthday in advance to Blair, who turns twenty-four today. (As he is, We just recently learned, a New Reader of Erix Daily Horoscope, a veritable virgin with a hypothetical hymen…(ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself.  Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)))…We will deign to explain that the rain in Spain stays mainly in de plane, Boss, de plane…and also that We turn twenty-four over and over again until We get it right.  Although, if you were (subjunctively) looking at a pixture of Blair instead of whatever Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus It’s Too Fu(king Early in the Morning For A Hervé Villechaize Joke is up there staring you in the face, you would know that he did twenty-four pretty d@mn fine the first time around, just sayin’.):

(Speaking of rain, whoever is in charge of the back alley abortion that is today’s weather had better see to it that this cr@p has all ceased and desisted by tomorrow, as We have Places To Go And People To See.)

(It will no doubt be a fascinating glimpse into Our domestic goddesshood for you to learn that, as We are casting these pearls of wisdom before you, Our adoring swine (hmmm…that didn’t come out quite right, did it?), We are emptying the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry.  The tinsel, the glamour, the hustle, the bustle, the electricity in the air that is Our life!  Perhaps later, We shall put on a shirtwaist dress and pearls and run the vacuum.  (How odd that pearls appeared twice in this paragraph.  Pearl Bailey, Pearl S. Buck, Purlie Victorious Judson.))

(Anybody else still fixated on Blair’s hypothetical hymen?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you don't have a press secretary, photographer and personal assistant, you should probably ask around for a few numbers. (While We could certainly avail Ourselves of the first and the third, We’re pretty sure nobody needs to see a pixture of Us at this precise moment.)

Managing your social schedule at the moment isn't something you'll want to do alone.  (Little Rhoda and her social engagements…kiss Us quick, We’re Eileen Heckart.)

Of course, you might also enlist the aid of that delightful new friend of a friend.  (Wait…Our friends have other friends?!?  Who allowed THAT to happen?)

(Just in case the suspense was killing you, We have now moved the laundry to the dryer.  And the top rack of the dishwasher is empty.  How We don’t drop dead from the excitement, We’ll never know.)

Cancel your appointments and tell your friends not to worry. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause We were knee-deep in all the concern.)

No one will see you for a while (Well, of course not.  What with Our @ssz eclipsing the sun and all.)

-- no one except that one particular person you've been craving, that is.  “Craving”?  Really?  This doesn’t bode well…are We gonna fu(k ‘em, or eat ‘em?)

 Remember when you had your wisdom teeth out and the dentist gave you those wonderful pills to help with the pain? (No.  Because We never had Our wisdom teeth out.   Hence all of this WISDOM.  You’re welcome, you lucky, lucky people.)

(The dishwasher is now empty.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!)

You'll feel even better than that.  (Than what?  A middle-aged hag with an empty dishwasher?  Gee, thanks.  At this rate, We’ll be working Our way UP to fishwife.)

 An authority figure (Skater),

 elder (Berry),

or trusted professional (Carpet cleaner)

(See, OUR way makes it more specific.  YOUR way was extremely vague.  Now, We’re betting on the authority figure skater.  Who would Brian Boitano do?)

will be only too happy to help you make the right impression. (…ist painting.)

All you have to do is smile. (Isn’t that a song from some musical? (Or, possibly, every musical written between 1936 and 1954?))

(Well, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself.  And if We’re going to vacuum in a shirtwaist dress, We’re gonna need to squeeze into Our Playtex Living Girdle™.  So catch ya on the flip side.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )