But if this ever-changing world in which We’re living makes you give it a try…

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday Addams aka What The Hell Ever Happened To Christina Ricci?, September 14, 2011.  Happy Hump Day to all the Humped amongst you.  This is actually not Hump Day for Us (is it ever?), as We are only just beginning Our work week, unless you count Our having worked box orifice for the WaitStaff last night.

We know you are all waiting with bated breath to hear if We’ve found Our missing spectacles…We have, they were on the bedroom floor, and We narrowly avoided stepping on them. We can hear your sigh of relief from here. And those of you who were waiting with baited breath, We can SMELL your sigh of relief from here.  If Our life gets any more exciting, We shall require CPR.

Speaking of The Wedding Consultant, (We were, you know; We actually have a five-day-Wedding Consultant work week, beginning this evening.  When We get Ourself a brand new dresser.  Because Our life wasn’t exciting enough already.  Lily Tomlin, We are fond of pointing out, would do this entire goddamn show in a gray blouse and black slacks.) you have only five more chances to see it, beginning this very evening, and There Will Be Consequences if you do not.  (Since you’re only nakedly skimming this anyway, let Us be very clear:  the people who are not showing up to this show?  Are pissing Us off.  Just so you know.) Here is Our Inquirer review:  http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/phillystage/Review-The-Wedding-Consultant.html   We are particularly taken with the phrase “surprisingly butch”; We are thinking of having T-shirts made.  Tickets for the epic in question are available here: http://ticketing.theatrealliance.org/sites/livearts/details.aspx?id=19622 ; get ‘em while they’re HAWTT. 

And now for something completely different: the Jules Verne sci-fi classic, Angels On Uranus:

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Lainie Kazan gets vajazzled.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Get started on something new today (As We may have mentioned, five days of Wedding Consultant.  Unless “something new” is showing up in the audience, We’ll have to be waiting for “new” till next week.)

— you know what you want, (Well, yes.)

and you know exactly how to get there.  (Well, no.  It’s mighty pesky that the first part of “consenting adults” is “consent”.)

(We were going to say “mighty pesky Joe Pesci”, but We really don’t want to think of Joe Pesci at the same time as consenting adults.)

Anything you start today is sure to end up taking you somewhere new and wonderful.  (And again We say:  We will be at the Walnut Street Theatre Studio 3 for about four hours a night for the next five nights.  Afterwards, We may or may not go around the corner for a drink.)

You should be the first person to speak up when something isn’t right today. (Something isn’t right today! (Starting with Our coffee, which, for some reason, tastes terrible.  Also, Johnny Depp was not next to Us when We woke up.))

Make it known that you do not align yourself with people who use cheap tricks or lies to get what they want, (You must be reading Our mail.)

and step away from anyone who behaves in a way that you do not agree with. (For example, this illiterate cow who just ended a sentence with a preposition.)

 ‘Live and let live’ is a very honorable attitude, (But “Live and Let Die” is a better song.)

 but it doesn’t require that you give tacit approval to morally repugnant people. (“Repugnant” is such a well-crafted word…it both looks and sounds like exactly what it means.  Much like those tea bagger people who cheered the other day when one of their jack-booted leaders suggested that people without health insurance should be left to die.  The adjective is “repugnant”, the noun is “Repugnicans”.)

There’s a new person on the scene who’s eager to make your acquaintance.  (Buy a goddamn ticket to Our show; how hard is that?)

Be open to meeting people outside your usual social circle and your paths may cross sooner than you think. (Hey, We have to leave the theatre the same way the audience does.  Meeting Us is not brain surgery, people.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

I get mistaken now for Lainie Kazan.

Greetings, Enameller Renamed Inanimate Camel---

Here is your horoscope for Saturday (!), July 24, 2010 (Yes, latex and Geritol™, it’s A Very Special Saturday Episode of Erix Daily Horoscope (you know that We will never remember to continue to spell that as “Erix”.  Plus, how many words beginning with X could We ever fit into Our Greetings?).  Which, for any of you who have any familiarity with Our life whatsoever, clearly does not bode well. We just popped in to inform all y’all that yesterday afternoon, We were minding Our Own bidness, as We do, preparing to sally forth on Our daily errands, having just spoken telephonically with MizGerreGarrett, when We returned to Our computer to be greeted with The Blue (actually Black) Screen Of Death and the message “You  may already be a loser” spelled out in smoke and squirrel entrails across the monitor.  Long story short, eight hours, several conversations with various ethnic types, and a few hundred dollars later (yes, Our warranty had finally expired.  (Did We mention We have no jawb?)), We had reinstalled Windows and were confronted with a working computer completely foreign to Our own.):

(Did We mention that the majority of the eight hours was spent on the phone with a Filipino named Lemon? (So other than that, how did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?))

(That is all We’ve got, short of reminding you that Christmas In July: Another Surprise Birthday Party For Jesus plays tomorrow (Sunday), July 25^th at 7PM at World Café Live and on Wednesday and Thursday, July 28^th and 29^th at 8PM at L’Etage.  Tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3635 or here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/117814 .  If you haven’t gotten them already.  And you haven’t. We KNOW.  We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, We know you f@rt under the blanket then smell it, so buy tickets to Our show or We’ll tell everyone on SitOnMyFaceBook.)

(Meanwhile, Our video …lettuce show it to you)

)

(And now, an encore presentation of an Erix Daily Horoscope from July 23, 2009, from the dark ages before Bloggonia:

Greetings, Exception, Rule: Intertwined Correlation---

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, July 23 (Happy birthday to Gerry, who turns twenty-four today.):

 (In still other news, We mainly popped in here to check out YESTERDAY’S horoscope and see if Kelli made any prognostications about what an auspicious financial day it was going to be.  We started out Our day in a meeting with The Hottest Financial Advisor EVAH, talking about moving Our retirement funds out of the clutches of the stupid company chosen by the EAC.  Did We mention his big ol’ arm muscles bulging to escape his custom-made shirt?  We think he may have said a few things about money, too.  Then, We just squeaked in under the wire to correct a bank error which would have cost Us about two hundred dollars. (We *KNOW*!   Just like in Monopoly™.)  But, most excitingly of all, We FOUND twenty-six cents!  And not all in the same place, neither.  The penny?  Was lying right in front of OurHouseWhereWeLive.  And the two dimes and the nickel were all found independently of one another.  Why, if We’d kept on walking around, who KNOWS how much money We would have come home with?)

(In case you are one of those people who has difficulty discerning the theme of a literary passage, the theme of the preceding paragraph is that We?  Will bend over for a penny.  Try to tell as many people as you can.)

(Oh, and yesterday’s Kelli-scope?  Did not so much as MENTION money.  Quel surprise.)

(We would b1tch about all the people who are ignoring Us, but, as they Are ignoring Us successfully, We would be unable to ascertain whether Our b1tching was sufficiently annoying to them, and, really, what other point would there be?  But, hey:  way to kick Us when We’re down, people.)

(We say “Horror”, you say “Jose Ferrer”.  Because you’re fu(ked up in the head like that.)

Try to stretch yourself out in some new way today (Well!  Way to dive into the vat of vulgarity, Kel-Kel!)

-- you've got to get just a little bit fitter! (You say fitter, We say fatter.  (I ate a meatball off the floor right over there.))

Your personal energy is perfect for getting back in touch with your body, (Let me hear your body talk, your body talk.  My body says, “Fu(k you!”)

so go for it!  (Dikeys in Nikes!)

(Everything since “Jose Ferrer” has been an old Bette Midler joke.  How old a woman would you say I was?  (Hey…that’s another one!))

You're in the mood to work hard now -- really, really hard. (Once again behaving in a manner I had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).)

As fiery as you are when you get an idea set in your mind, you definitely don't take kindly to anyone who gets between you and your goal. (ESPECIALLY when Our goal is the refrigerator.  Or, more to the point, becoming the SIZE of a refrigerator.)

Of course, your first impulse will be to enlist everyone who comes along. (If you think THAT’S Our first impulse, you really don’t know Us very well.)

But if that's not possible, then you can at least do the kind thing: Warn them that it might be a good idea to get out of your way. (It might be a good idea to get out of Our way.  (Hey, where’d everybody go?))

 Tune into your body with a yoga class, meditation or workout session. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

It's been trying to tell you something, (Yeah…there’s something green and fuzzy in its crisper, and it needs to be defrosted.)

and ignoring it won't go well. (I’m sorry….what?)

(Heh.  See what I did there?)

You've gotta be healthy to be hot. (Also, cruel to be kind.  In the right measure.  It’s a very, very, very good sign.  Means that I love you.)

(YOUR-o-scopes.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodeling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

cowgrass...enjoy being a woman