Cat scratch fever

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For ThirstyThurrrrstonHowellTheThurrrrsday, May Thurrrrtieth, Twenty-Thurrrrteen. (Is it just Us, or do We sound exactly like Eartha Kitt’s verrrrsion of Catwoman?  (YouPeople DO auditorially hallucinate these e-pisstles as you read them, don’t you?  (Well, DON’T YOU???)))

Happy Birrrrthday (you are only pretending that you wish We would stop that) to Josh, who turns twenty-four today, somewhere in suburrrrrrbia.  We should have a drink together.  (We promise not to DRESS like Eartha Kitt’s verrrsion of Catwoman.)

Meanwhile, courtesy of everybody’s favorite WorldWideInterWebNetz, this diet tip just in:

Tip to lose weight: First turn your head to the left, then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

You’re welcome.

In other news, you can, of course, lose weight, but Ugly is forever.  Especially if you are ugly on the inside.  Just sayin’.

(Heh…We said “but Ugly”, which made Us think of “Butt Ugly”.)

(Apparently, while Josh has turned twenty-four, We are eternally twelve.)

(Speaking of Josh, it just occurrrrrrred to Us that We have the purrrrfect pictue of Julie Newmar’s version of Catwoman to use as today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us in his honor.  You’re welcome.)

(We just give, and give, and give, don’t We?)

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  More info here:  https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/  We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.)  come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, they will be holding auditions for a woman to join in their Fringe shennanigantics.  Let Us know if you are interested, and We shall hook you up.  Because We’re connected like that.

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays today, it is Wynnona Judd’s birthday, and the picture on the website that tells US so makes her look rode hard and put away wet.  Which is all the excuse We need to share the “Wynnona’s Big Brown Beaver”  song:

Also, it is Stepin Fetchit’s birthday, a fact We point out only because, heretofore, We thought that was the CHARACTER’S name, not the performer’s.  Also also, it is Bob Evans’s birthday.  You know, the sausage guy.

Now is not a great time for conflict, (Oh, yes it is.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so try to surround yourself with folks who think like you.  (And what funny farm are We gonna find THEM on?)

Of course, at some point in the near future, you need to challenge your beliefs, (We don’t believe you.)

but that has to wait.  (Doesn’t waiting for your waiter seem somehow inefficient?)

You’ve been focused on where you are going, (Well, sure.  Because if you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.)

(Confucius ain’t got nothin’ on Us.  (Except he could probably get Chinese food without waiting for delivery.))

(“If you focus on where you’ve been, you’ll bump into a lot of shit.”  If only We knew how to needlepoint…)

which is smart — but today it’s time to get back to the present (Wait…there are presents?)

and start living in the moment. (Oh, see, now.  Here, We thought you were saying, “start living in the muumuu”.)

Keeping your gaze fixed so far into the future has created (A lot of drooling, and the general sense that We don’t know what the fuck is going on?)

some distance between you and someone who cares a lot about you  (Okay, or that.)

— it’s time for you to get back in touch with them. (And We would, except for that pesky restraining order.)

Don’t just think about tomorrow, (Actually, it’s “don’t STOP thinking about tomorrow”.  And We’re SURE, because We just looked it up.  Who are We gonna listen to, Kelli The AssHat or Fleetwood Mac, complete with Stevie Nicks?  (Don’t even bother answering that.  It’s rhetorical.  (Much like “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is RhettButlorical.)))

or you will totally miss out on today.  (Which, unless Josh is sharing his cake, appears to be pretty much a write-off.)

Join up!  (Uncle Sam wants shoes.)

Any group united by a common cause is an avenue toward good fun (So there’s fun that ISN’T good, then?)

 — and it may provide new romantic opportunities in a relaxed setting that’s great for meeting the right people.  (Yeah, whatever.  We are now busy pondering Our new religious movement, WWJND?  (What Would Julie Newmar Do?))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Goodbye, Ruby Fat Tuesday

Greetings, Elbow Room Isn’t Conservatory---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 16, 2010 (Wow, the holiday hits just keep on coming, don’t they? First VD, then Presidents’ Day, and now Fat Tuesday. As you can see above, We found the very fattest pixture We could (that was not of Our Own Self) to use as today’s pixture. We know that the technical term is “cameltoe”, but We’re pretty sure We can see the entire camel in there. Of course, We are also pretty sure that, the next time We fly on a plane, that will be seated next to Us as Our punishment. Our world and welcome to it.):


(Speaking of Our world (and welcome to it…pull up a chair; the coffee will be ready in a minute. Did you have any trouble finding the place? How’re the wives and kids?), snow? Again? REALLY? Which particular religion’s G0d is to blame for this travesty, and how do We get Him, Her, or It impeached? Despite the fact that here in Souf Philly, the quantity of snow deposited on the stoop of OurHouseWhereWeLive will be easily dispensed with with a broom (if it hasn’t already melted by the time We bestir Our Big Fat @ss to go out there), We are fed up to the very teeth with having the d@mn weather impact Our plans. Also, We are Seasonal Affective Disorderly to about the nth degree.)


(On the other hand, We are just about fat enough to celebrate the fattest Fat Tuesday that anyone has ever fatted. (In the interests of enlightenment, We just went to look up Shrove Tuesday, because We couldn’t remember what the h3ll is a Shrove. Trust Us, you don’t want to know. Atoning for sins, indeed. How about the first one to atone is the one who just got done dumping more snow on Us? Also, which twin has the Atoni™? Meanwhile, have a pancake.))


(Naturally, in real life, We are unable to celebrate Fat Tuesday properly because We will be at rehearsal, where being drunk and talking with One’s mouth full are somewhat counterproductive. We are so looking forward to strutting and fretting Our hour upon the stage upon a stage that’s actually large enough to contain Our Fat Tuesday @ssz. (Have another pancake.) And We do so look forward to seeing all of you there. We are still working out the details of where to meet all y’all for a tasteful cocktail afterwards (as We have already mentioned, there is another show immediately following Ours, so We have to toddle along toot suite), so stay tuned to this space for upcoming bulletins. (Which is, as you are no doubt aware, completely different from upcoming bouillabaisse. Which might mean, depending upon interpretation, either that you are about to be served a lovely fish stew, or that someone is about to blow chunks of same into your lap.))


(Did no one notice that We said, “How’re the wives and kids?” back there? That was a little Mormon joke. We’re not sure if Mormons celebrate Fat Tuesday. We know that Mermans celebrate it by singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” while they eat their pancakes. (Well, they sing in between bites. Morons celebrate by trying to eat and sing at the exact same time, which is how We got the upcoming bouillabaisse in the preceding paragraph. (The humor in here is so chunky, you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork. But use a spoon…We don’t need you puking up your fu(king soup in Our lap.)))


(Something in the middle of that last bit made Us think of Werewolves of London, but We are d@mned if We remember what. At any rate, here’s this: I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect. Well, as perfect as anything can be in an imperfect universe. Well, okay, he had hair, but it's not entirely clear how much attention he devoted to its perfection. I mean, it's not like he used product, or anything. Unless you count the bits of bone and gristle and rotted flesh that were clinging to it. Okay, so maybe "perfect" isn't the word. But he *WAS* drinking what appeared to be a pina colada. Or possibly a mai tai. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Tom Collins... (This, in case anyone was wondering, is why We don't write lyrics.))


(In case you were interested (and how’s that for wishful thinking?), the snow on Our front stoop has indeed melted. Of course, now it is snowing again. No pancakes for you, G0d.)


(Now that We are deep in the bowels (eeeuuuwww!!!) of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope, where We have clearly lost even the n@kedest of skimmers, We would just like to say that, amongst the many other things of which We are sick and tired, We are particularly sick and tired of having Our random acts of kindness ignored as though they (and, presumably, We) do not exist. We are not saying you need to throw Us a parade, or bake Us a cake (although, mmmm….cake), but have you ever heard of “thank you”? Were you raised by fu(king wolves? Were you fu(ked by raisin cookies? Well, WERE YOU???)


(Have a pancake, Mister Goldstone…have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair…)


(Speaking of places you least expect to find Rocky Road ice cream, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 We are gonna have to wrap this cr@p up now, as it just occurred to Us that We are supposed to be re-writing the opening for said show, and We are not feeling particularly funny at the moment.))


(However, We have just learned that they are making a movie about Liberace starring Michael Douglas as Liberace and Matt Damon as his (much) younger lover, and now We have to mental floss.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


The people in your life can really inspire you if you let them right now. (Hey, We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.)


Even if you've managed to surround yourself with people who just sit around all day and moan and complain, hey! (“Hey!” “HEY”?!? Isn’t there some sort of grammar rule that forbids ending a sentence with “hey!”? Even in Shakespearean times, We are pretty sure you had to at least use “hey, nonny, nonny”. (YouPeople just love when We do Shakespeare jokes, don’t’cha? Forsooth, and stuff. Odds bodkins, Arthur Godfrey.))


Even THEY can inspire you to get off the couch and do something! (How ‘bout We get off the couch and do someONE?)


And if your friends and the people in general you mix with are nothing like, (Nothing like WHAT?)


look to them to see if you can learn something from them. (Oh, great. Snow AND edumacation. What a lovely day.)


Friendships which has been hurt can now be healed, too. (Subject-verb disagreement such as that, however, is irreparable.)


It's just about forgiveness - who's going to make the first move? (I feel Eartha Kitt move under my feet…because she’s, ya know, dead.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


taste that beats the others cold…cowgrass pours it on)