This is what it sounds like when doves cry wolf

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, August 22^th , 2013.

So every so often, just to confuse Ourself, We actually do something right.  Oh, not enough to interrupt the downward spiral of Fortuna that is Our existence, but still.  Blind pig finds an acorn and all that.

Now what the fuck are We gonna do with this acorn?   

In other news, The Artist Once Again Known As Prince recently opened hisseff up a Twatter account.  Naturally, loving All Things Princely as We do (Prince William’s Speedo™, Prince Harry’s penis, Prince Albert in Our can), We promptly followed him.  Ever the helpful social media platform, Twatter quickly informed Us that, if We liked Prince, We would most likely also enjoy following Tilda Swinton.  The hell?

Speaking of Twatter, a fellow Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist thereon wants Us to know that Jupiter?  Is squaring Uranus.  Alrighty, then.

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show.  Unfortunately, even with Our ailment in remission (or pseudo-remission (or nocturnal emission (just thought We’d throw that in there to see if you were paying attention (We Our Own Self Personally are too POOR to pay attention)))), We are feeling about as creative as McDonna’s refrigerator magnets.   Which means, essentially, that We’ve lost Ourself a week.  Hell, even Ray Milland only lost hisseff a weekend.  We really must get right back on track today.

The show in question is, of course,   LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be a little stalled.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

How many of all y’all are sitting there with your thumb on Uranus, saying, “Who da fuq is Ray Milland?”  Try and keep up.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Honor Blackman, who played Pussy Galore in that James Bond fillum, is eighty-eight today.  Insert old pussy joke here.

A dream has a big message for you (Was that a fat joke?)

— but you need to let it unwind over time before acting on it. (How tiresome, tedious, and tragic.)

(Sigh.)

 The good news is that it’s not urgent,  (And the bad news?)

so write it down or ponder it for a few days or weeks.  (No, seriously…what’s the bad news?)

  Self-distraction is a technique that people often use to avoid dealing with real problems in their lives  (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

— and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  (Well, that’s good. Because We certainly don’t need any more bad things.)

 From time to time, it’s perfectly fine to keep yourself busy shopping for the perfect pair of flip-flops so that you don’t have to clean out the garage. (“Flip-flops”?  “Garage”?  What on earth is this sow on about now?)

(How now, brown sow?)

(Sorry.)

But today, that one problem you’ve been avoiding so successfully for so long needs to be addressed.  (Once One addresses a problem, can One then put a stamp on it and send it to someone else?)

It’s time to tackle this thing with all your might!  (Tackle?  Seriously?)

 Your life is quite interesting today, so go exploring.  (May We go spelunking instead?  Mais oui?)

If you usually hit the same old place for happy hour, try somewhere new.  (So, wait…there’s someplace where We could be happy for an entire hour?)

The change of scene might just do wonders for your social life!  (As might broad spectrum antibiotics.  (Oh, wait…you said “life”, not “disease”.  Our bad.))

(The fat lady was just about to sing when We received this urgent alert, which We naturally felt compelled to pass along to you, Gentle Readers: http://medical-diagonosis.wonderhowto.com/how-to/health-alert-youre-taking-crap-wrong-is-you-poop-properly-0139696/ )

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June Sebbenf, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Terri, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Craig, who also turns twenty-four today.

Also, Happy National Doughnut Day.  We are waiting to be brought doughnuts.  We are not, however, holding Our breath.

Three words We would like never to hear again:  Candy Crush Saga.  WTF is the matter with all of YouPeople?

Meanwhile, We are in the third month of same, and We still cannot wrap Our head(s) around the fact that We work Friday and Saturday nights.  (We would say “do a show”, but the amount of time We spend “doing the show” pales in comparison to the amount of time We spend working.  (Tonight, meanwhile, is a “special” show for sixty-five people.  No word yet on whether they are “special” people.)))

Those of you who come here to read the articles AND look at the pictures will no doubt remember this picture from yesterday (as will, naturally, those who only come (heh) to look at the pictures):

You may also remember the accompanying information, which see here:

(Insert WayBack Machine Sound Effects.)

Quickly changing the subject (and thereby, obviously, distracting The Universe), you may have noticed today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  Pixture Du Jour Au Jus OMiGod Here Comes A Bus!  Not, certainly, that there is anything unusual about Us displaying a pixture of a handsome young gentleman in a Speedo™, but in this instance (A.) We are acquainted with said young gentleman and (2.) We are posting the pixture in aid of a worthy cause.

To explain, the handsome young gentleman in question is Our former ex-son-in-law/future ex-husband and/or nursing home attendant, The Lovely And Talented IceyPop.  If you follow this link: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=614986035179564&set=a.614981671846667.1073741830.125423000802539&type=1&theater you will find said pixture on SitOnOurFaceBook, where, by liking and sharing same, you will aid The Lovely And Talented Mister Pop in his quest to win a free trip to Las Vegas.  He will no doubt NOT take his former ex-mother-in-law on this trip, but We are feeling altruistic today.  Plus, Speedo™.

We reiterate this (but first, We pause to double-check the meaning of “iterate”…which is, as We thought, “to perform or utter repeatedly”.  So “reiterate” would seem to be both re-petitive and re-dundant.  (Note to Self: double-check meanings of “petitive” and “dundant”.)  One source, in fact, listed “reiterate” as a SYNONYM for “iterate”.  Which seems re-dickulous.  Sigh.  Engrish As A Second Ranguage is difficult, especially around the hollandaise.)  mainly because, during a conversation with OurFrank yesterday, several new jokes concerning same came to light.  And far be it from Us not to Cher.

Frank and I were discussing Wilmington’s status as the Banana Import Capital of North America (because that is just the sort of weighty issue that We discuss) when it occurred to Us that:

(1.) a Speedo™ is often referred to, especially in certain literary genres, as a “banana hammock”,

a fact which We expressed regret at not having recalled earlier, so it could have been included in yesterday’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pissode.

It further occurred to Us that

(B.) “earlier” could be construed to mean “more like an earl”

a fact which We expressed regret at having recalled at all.

We know how grateful you all are for that glimpse into the inner workings of what passes for Our mind.

Meanwhile, all the naked skimmers just looked at the Speedo™ and are having a fap.

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

So many celebrity birthdays today:  Prince, and Tom Jones, and Liam Neeson, and Dean Martin, and Michael Cera (sigh).  But, most importantly, Ken Osmond of Leave It To Beaver (Heh…she said “beaver”) turns seventy today.  “That’s a very lovely dress you’re wearing, Mrs. Cleaver.”

Meanwhile, Madame Olivia now apparently contacts Us once a week.  AND calls Us by name, unlike AssHat Kelli:

Greetings Eric ~  (See?)

Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.  (Kelli is never pleased to see Us.)

Madame Olivia would like to share a technique for getting stuff 

done that you've been putting off. Here it is: drop the self-

berating, white-knuckle approach. Do NOT scare yourself by 

envisioning the whole bloody project. Instead, toy with it. Nibble

 at it. Be casual. Try wandering over and idly picking up the

 hammer, or poking at the keyboard, or scrolling through your

 contacts on your phone until you come to the name you need to 

call: whatever might be one bit of the project in question. The 

idea is to catch a tiny thread of action that will lead you to more

 action. Try this. It has worked for Madame Olivia.

Dear Aries, an opportunity for expansion is ahead, maybe in the

 earthly realm but for sure in the inner-you realm. A new idea or 

concept or project will present itself to you: embrace it! A

growing maturity can ensue, maturity in the best possible sense,

in your case, both wise and frolicsome. (Kelli never says “frolicsome”.)

Odd numbers will have importance in coming days

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you 

Bon courage!  (Kelli never speaks French.)

See you next time,

Madame Olivia

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.