June Cleaver is busting out all over

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicottiMonday, June 2^th , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Karly, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  We allegedly made not one, but two, student fillums with her a while back.  We say “allegedly”, because We have never seen said fillums, so their existence is unclear to Us.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?  Of course, the non-existence of said fillums would not necessarily be a terrible thing, We having a face for radio as We do.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Andre, and Jonathan, and Cut-Films, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  We have not made any fillums with Cut-Films, despite their having “Fillums” in their name.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Rob, also in Greater Bostonia.  Our Comeback Tour shall come there eventually, We promise.

So We had guests for Our murder mystery this weekend.  Which made it seem much less like work.  We are hearing from independent sources that Our guests are saying that a good time was had by all, so We guess We didn’t suck.  Ask Us about discount tickets to come see Us; in June, Our Fridays are the 13^th (dun-dun-DUN) and the 27^th.

In other news, We bought a new bathroom wastebasket.

You WISH you were (subjunctively) Us, but you couldn’t handle the glamour.

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Libby Holman.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Libby Holman as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Libby Holman to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Jerry Mathers (of “and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver” fame) was born today. As was Martha Washington. And, presumably, her beaver.  Which, interestingly enough, had wooden teeth.  Sort of like Lincoln Logs™.  Except that was a whole ‘nother president. And if you think that We will stoop so low as to tell Mary Todd Lincoln’s vagina jokes, you’ve got a whole ‘nother think coming.

Vagina dentata, hakuna metata.  You say “po-TAY-to”, and We say “po-TAH-to”…find the keys and We’ll drive out.

Oooops.

Since there is clearly no way to top the preceding, herewith in lieu of call-and-response with Kelli The AssHatt is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Here's a thought that is going to sound Biblical or Shakespearean, so wise is it and so well said: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done! Guess who said it. Give up? Vincent van Gogh! He said it (in a letter to his brother, of course) in the context of staying connected to multiple people, which Madame Olivia preaches day and night. Hope this is timely for you.

And now, little Aries, good news from the stars above. The oft-noted movement of Neptune into Pisces augurs extremely well for you, especially as you find yourself in situations where you feel constrained. You might feel like busting loose but Madame Olivia counsels something simpler for you: be still and let yourself be open to a different way of doing things. This conscious openness will invite wonderful new thinking.

Virtue of the hour: patience

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

What Goes Around... Comes Around

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManEatingManateeMonday, April 7^rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Colleen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Nick, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere on the outskirts of The City That Loves You (On Your ) Back.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin Adam, Bill, Chris, OurMizDonna, MarciaMarciaMarcia, Michael, and Randy, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

Speaking of this past weekend, Our new murder mystery opened during same, and did better than it had any business doing.  Naturally, We were unable to give away the two free tickets they gave Us (which was galling, mainly because they never GIVE Us anything), so you’ll just have to take Our word for it.

Speaking of things We want but can’t have, We wanted one specific thing on Friday (amidst a lot of general things, like not going up on Our lines, or dropping an entire tray of drinks down the stairs), which, naturally, being Us, We didn’t get.

Now, Faithful Gentle Readers of these e-pisstles will be aware that one of the life-lessons We have long been in the process of learning is to ask for the things We need/want.  And We have not been doing too badly in that regard, if We do say so Our Own Self.

However, there are certain things whose very value lies in their un-asked-for-ness.  For example, if We are staying at that hotel where they put a warm chocolate chip cookie on your pillow at check-in,  We are going to enjoy that cookie. If We are staying at a hotel without such a cookie policy, and We call room service to bring Us a chocolate chip cookie, We are going to enjoy that cookie as well.  However, even if they are the exact same cookie, We like the first cookie better.

The thing We wanted on Friday was not a chocolate chip cookie.  (Although all this talk has made Us hungry for one now.  (Preferably with nuts in it.  Because what isn’t better with nuts?))  Although, unlike the chocolate chip cookies in the preceding paragraph, it wouldn’t have cost anything.

The moral of the story is, give somebody a goddamn cookie today, a-ight?

We have been at this for quite some time today…no idea why.  We were going to continue Our “things We want but can’t have” theme with a guess-what-We-want-for-Our-birthday contest, but that will probably have to wait, for the most part, till tomorrow.  (See…right away We give you something to which to look forward!)

We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring and the anniversary of Our Own Personal nativity.  Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  We wouldn’t want him to get mad.

Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist of fate, most of the celebrities who were born today are people no one has ever heard of.

And here, in lieu of a time-consuming call-and-response to the Ass Hatted Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Madame Olivia is very happy to have you back.

Madame Olivia once heard an astonishing 9-year-old say "I'm not perfect, but parts of me are excellent!" Muse on what this might mean for you and try this on yourself when you need encouragement or perspective. Madame Olivia finds herself invoking it quite often.

Little Aries, sometimes control is wrested from us, no matter how powerful we are, or how determined. The current lineup in the heavens is angled so heavily towards movement that change is going to happen whether we want it or not. You, fortunately, will be able to ride the currents toward positivity. The more you stay attuned to other people, the easier this will be. Keep your ears open and your whiskers poised to receive vibrations.

Watch for the colors red and orange

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, February Twefffff, TwennyFourteen.

Here is A Handy Helpful HouseHold Hint From HellOnWheels:  if you are making your morningcoffee in your morningcoffeemaker, a helpful ingredient to include to make sure your morningcoffee turns out JustRight in your morningcoffeemaker might be, oh, We don’t know, say, COFFEE.

Meanwhile, We have been playing phone tag with an alleged customer service person all week.  Yesterday afternoon, it was her turn to call Us back.  When she did not, We called her this morning, only to be informed that (A.) she was now on vacation until next week, with no access to voicemail, and (2.) if We needed assistance, We should call the following number…which turned out to be the main number of the business!  Seriously?  That’s how We got a hold of YOUR incompetent ass in the first place!

Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Happy Birthday also to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Chris and to Keith, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were otherwise engaged.  Romper stomper bomper doo.  (If you understand what We just said, you are old. (If, on the other hand, you are thinking, “Who the hell would get engaged to that demented old crone?”, then clearly you have at least been paying attention. (Extra credit if you just said, “Sorry…what did you say?”)))

Meanwhile, in Our dreams (which is about the only place We are likely to get engaged), We were, last night, inexplicably shooting an opening-credit sequence for a live-action version of Scooby-Doo. Even more inexplicably, We? Were playing Shaggy.  We did not know any of the other actors, but Fred was incredibly hot.

In another dream, We were helping a friend (hi, Mikel!) rehearse his one-woman show about Annette Funicello. We have no idea why he turned up in Our dreams, or why he was playing Annette Funicello.  We were happy that most of what he was rehearsing seemed to be Annette Funicello: The Early Years, so there were bikinis and mouse ears instead of all the depressing crap that came later.  We Cher this in the hopes that he will understand it better than We.  (Also, congrats on your move…are you still in Our ‘hood?)

Speaking of Annette, We are now going to randomly say “Hi” to Our friend Annette.  Because We have that power.  Hi, Annette!

Moving on,  here is what We now want you to do:

Think of all of your friends who live in, or know people who live in, or know people who know people who live in, Greater Bostonia or its environs. For example: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg. (Pay attention!) Now share the information in the following paragraphs with them, via SitOnMyFaceBook, or smokesignals, or autographed Calvin Klein™ underwear.  (Sorry…We forgot Ourself for a moment there.):

LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  does Greater Bostonia!

On Friday, February 28^th, We will be at Club Café in Boston:

http://www.clubcafe.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1402244933363959/

On Monday, March 3^rd, We will be at Opus Underground in Salem:

http://www.gooutloud.com/starzina/

SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1379652125635846/

Thank you all in advance for alerting your Greater Bostonian friends.  (You ARE alerting your Greater Bostonian friends, aren’t you?  Each and every one of you has at least ONE SitOnMyFaceBook friend in Greater Bostonia…you have all been invited to these gigs, so go, say you are coming, and use the “Invite Friends” button to, ya know, invite your friends.)

Warm kisses, meanwhile, to Patrick, and Kevin, and everyone else who’s working so hard to get Us up there.  We have decided that, on this trip to Greater Bostonia, We are finally going to try a Lobster Roll for the first time.  Because who DOESN’T want to learn a new position? Especially with Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Mark Wahlberg in the house…

 We are currently in the sign of Aquarius, the only sign of the zodiac for which there is only one Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video.  Fortunately, it doesn’t suck.

Our video (Aquarius, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:     

http://youtu.be/ovOtlxcnC50

And now, the HorrorScope…

It is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday.  In other news, Annette Funicello had big titz. (That was for Our str8 boi readers…every so often, We like to throw them a bone.  (Heh…We said “bone”.))

Your parents are affecting your activities today, even if they’re not really part of your life anymore.  (Okay, does anybody else find that sentence just a LEETLE creepy?)

You know they’re still in your head,  (Creepier..)

at least, so get comfy with them (And creepier…)

and see how it goes.  (Alright, Kelli, knock it the fuck off.  Jeebus!)

(We are hearing the sound of someone shoveling snow outside of OurHouseWhereWeLive.  There is no snow to be shoveled yet.  Help.)

Look for promising signs of progress in one of your newer relationships today. (Hmmm…who have We met recently?  And how quick can We roofie them?)

You are finally getting some traction. (Ribbed for your pleasure.)

Your charm is all you need to seal the deal, (Richard Simmons’s charm, however, is required for Deal-A-Meal™.)

(What?)

so unleash it without any limits. (UNLEASH THE LEMURS!  (It’s like “Release the kraken!”  But with lemurs.))

The time to play conservatively is over. (Have you met Us?)

You must act now and act boldly. (Actually, We don’t have to act until Friday.)

Dangle the carrot (That’s a euphemism, right?)

and watch them jump for it — then let them make the final move.  (Wow.  Not JUST a euphemism, but a euphemism, mixed with a metaphor, wrapped in an enigma.  You GO, Kelli.  AssHatt.)

You need to keep your romantic interactions light and breezy but not cheesy today.  (Cheesy, sleazy, beautiful cover squirrel.)

You can have fun flirting (Also, farting.  But not at the same time.)

 while you get to know that new cutie, (“Cutie”?  What are We, twelve?)

of course, but save any heavy conversations for another time.  (Was that a fat joke?  (Who let Jo Anne Worley in here?))

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.