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Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhateverHappenedToTuesdayWeld, March 13, 2012.  Happy birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today.  You will recall that yesterday was Sean’s birthday, Sean being Our husband in an alternate universe. Upon reading yesterday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope (which, all things considered, was rather a Sean Paean (which is not to be confused with a Sean Penn, whose penis has been in McDonna (which, of all the places We imagine OUR Sean’s penis, that is not one of them))), Sean commented “Holy shit”.  We just love the strong, silent types.  We were not, of course, present when he commented (and his comment was typed at any rate), but We like to imagine that “Holy shit” sounding just like Leslie Nielsen looking through his binoculars and seeing the tidal wave in The Poseidon Adventure and saying “Oh my god.”

Two random thoughts struck Us as We made Our way through the preceding star-studded paragraph:

(1.)  If Sean’s name were (subjunctively) Ian, yesterday’s e-pissode would have been an Ian Paean.

And (B.) Old McDonna had a farm, ee-yi-ee-yi-oh.

In other news, The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is virtually upon Us, and We cannot wait to see you there.  If you don’t have your tickets yet, get there early to get them at the door.  The house opens at 7:30 for Our eight o’clock show at Helium Comedy Club.  Here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you need further info:   http://www.facebook.com/events/353265128047213/ .  Among the very special celebrity guests this evening will be Joan Rivers, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil, Jesus H. Christ, and virtually every Republican presidential candidate.  Be there, or be Spongebob Squarepants.

Why are all those crickets chirping?

Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show.  It is rumored, however, that he will be appearing AT the WaitStaff show, so if you see him there, why’n’t’cha cheer him up by telling him (A.) it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) how much you enjoyed  watching his video: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4  Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.

In other news, if you are in charge of one thing that could make Us very happy, ya might wanna get on that.  Just sayin’.

And now, what has Charlene Tilton done for Us lately? Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

 

You are going through a period of renewal today (Oh, please.  We haven’t had a period in years.)

 

(Although some days We feel We might be slipping into a comma.)

 

(Heh.  See what We did there?  Of course, We are a Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT try this at home.)

 

— and that usually comes with awkwardness and discomfort. (Is there anything that DOESN’T usually come with awkwardness and discomfort?)

 

Things should settle down in the near future, but for now just hold on.  (Fine…lettuce just get Our hands down this Speedo™…)

 

You’ll be zooming along at a wonderfully brisk pace all day today (Farting and queefing, queefing and farting…why, We’re just like The Little Engine That Could.)

 

— that is, until you run headfirst into a wall of emotions.  (That’s gonna hurt.)

 

Triggered by a fiery argument, a surprising revelation or even a simple bit of news, these emotions will stop you in your tracks and cause you to put your life on pause for a little while.  (Hence the comma.)

 

(Didja ever notice how the humor in here operates on multiple planes at the same time?  Some of them existential?  For example, “hence the comma” has all of Our Zen Buddhist readers laughing hysterically.  On the inside.)

 

(If you are now attempting to picture a hysterical Zen Buddhist, please stop before you hurt yourself.)

 

(We interrupt this e-pisstle to bring you breaking news:  Our show is featured in the City Paper:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/SIDE-SPLITTER-Guest-appearances-from-Jesus-Christ-and-Rick-Santorum.html?page=3 )

 

(We now return to Our regularly-scheduled screed, already in progress.)

 

Just go slow (That’s what she said.)

 

and work your way through these feelings. (With a chainsaw?)

 

Let yourself process things however you need to. (Especially the cheese food.  Because there’s nothing like some well-processed cheese food.)

 

Ask for time alone if you need it. (Yeah.  Maybe at 8 o’clock this evening.  What the fuck are you talking about AssHat?)

 

Feeling introverted?  (Actually, perverted is more like it.  (Okay, extraperverted.))

 

Make this an opportunity to do something fun just for you. (We are thinking it might be better if it were (subjunctively) fun for the audience as well.)

 

Pamper yourself with treats usually reserved for special occasions. (Mmm-hmm.  Because people really wanna see Us onstage in a diaper.)

 

 Indulge in a decent dinner. Get a massage. Relax and recharge. (Are you not listening?  We are WORKING this evening.  Jeebus.)

 

(See all y’all at the show, yes?)

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

There’s got to be a morning after…

Greetings, Everyone Relishes Icelandic Cuisine---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, November 29, 2010 (We trust that you have stuffed all your stuffing, pumped all your pumpkin pie, and masticated all the turkeys you’ve desired to keep you happy for another year.  (“Masticated all the turkeys you’ve desired” is, of course, a euphemism, but We’re not telling you for what.  (All y’all who had to run to your Funk & Wagnalls to look up “masticated” should probably be making a new year’s resolution to read more.  Cereal boxes, USA Today, and the Twilight series don’t count.))  We Our Own Selves personally have moved on to the next big holiday in the cavalcade.  No, We’re not talking about clutching Our pearls for Pearl Harbor Day (but extra credit for you if you thought of that before We did).  We are referring, of course, to Christmas, for which We have already trimmed Our tree, mailed Our cards, bought and wrapped most of Our gifts, and intercoursed Our penguin.  (We put that last bit in there just to see if you were paying attention.  Also because We were stuck on how dirty “trimmed Our tree” sounded.) You are all, no doubt, peeing green with envy, but, if you pause and reflect, you will realize that this is much better than being peregrine with ennui.):

(“Masticated”, “cavalcade”, “peregrine”, “ennui”…it won’t be long before high school students start being required to read Erix Daily Horoscope in order to prepare for their SATs.   Dibs on the boys’ swim team.  (Did he actually SAY that? (Oh, unclutch your pearls, Lavinia, those high school boys could probably teach Us a thing or two.))

(Meanwhile, if One can clutch, Micro$oft Weird™, why can One not unclutch?  Also, who the h3ll is Lavinia?)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Look up the word 'glib' in the dictionary, and don't be surprised to see your picture there. (Alternatively, if you look up the word ‘gullible’ in the dictionary, it’s not there.  (Heh.  That boys’ swim team will believe ANYTHING.))

Yes, your verbal skills will definitely be the stuff that legends are made of. (Surely We don’t need to point out to you that “verbal skills” and “oral skills” are two different things?  (This would be the juncture at which you reply, “No, and don’t call me Shirley.”  (You have heard that Leslie Nielsen died, haven’t you?  Leslie Nielsen was, of course, the captain of the SS Poseidon.  Which will make for a very sad New Years around these particular parts.)))

Now get busy making yourself a legend for other reasons. (Well, We’re gonna need a mink coat first.)

(See, you may THINK We are dating Ourselves (well, SOMEONE has to) with that joke, but We heard recently that they are bringing that ad campaign back, so, actually, We are on the cutting edge of pop culture, and nanny-nanny-poo-poo.)

(A rustle of Speedos™ as the boys’ swim team scurries off to look up “nanny-nanny-poo-poo”.  Which most likely will NOT appear on the SATs.  (Also, Speedos™ don’t so much rustle, but whatevs. (“Whatevs” will also most likely not appear on the SATs.)))

Any good reason will do. (If We shave it, you’ll swim faster.)

(This would be an excellent place for a joke involving Jeff Stryker, a submarine, and a periscope.  Unfortunately, We don’t know such a joke.  We are always grateful, however, for audience participation. (Those of you who are still mentally shaving the boy’s swim team should get a hobby.  (Or a hobby horse.  (Heh.  We kill Us.))))

Your ordinarily astounding memory has suddenly failed you. (That happened once before, but We forgot about it.)

All you can remember now is how great things were -- In The Old Days. (Mister, We could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.)

Stop that. (Hey, We’ve got pop culture up the @ssz around here.  Poop culture, that’s We.)

It's time to move on.  (Up, to the East Side, to a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-hi-hi.)

Admit your errors. (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken.)

Smile, nod and shrug your shoulders -- a lot. (Then oil up the boys’ swim team and do the Hokey-Pokey. (Ooops…was that the outside voice?))

Then go back to your room, lock yourself in a closet (Have you met Us?)

and have a tantrum, (And a Pamprin™.  Also, an egg roll, Mister Goldstone.)

with no expletives deleted. (@#@%@#$^%@.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )