I'm back from Suffragette City

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  November Forf, 2014.

Happy Erection Day too all of Our Americanese Gentle Readers.  We Our Own Self Personally will be going out to vote shortly.  It is a great hardship for Us…We have to walk all the way to the end of Our block, and cross the street. We know just how the suffragettes felt.

Later in the day, We shall be attending a focus group, and, if We have any stamina left, dropping by Literary Heartthrob Christopher Rice’s reading/book-signing at Giovanni’s Room.  This will be a clever trick if We can pull it off, as the focus group is scheduled to end at the exact moment the reading/book-signing is set to begin.  (Where is the time machine?  It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)

(No one noticed that We just said “Christopher Rice” and “pull it off” in the same paragraph, riiight?)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here: 

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/go-ask-alice-when-shes-ten-feet-tall.html 

and/or here:

http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/10/im-muscle-fa-an.html )

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

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And now, because We, in Our infinite wisdom have deemed that it would be considerate of the general populace if We performed some ablutions before going out to cast Our seed on a stone…er, cast Our vote, and because it is Loretta Swit’s birthday (!), herewith, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

:

Greetings Starzina~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Welp, Madame Olivia has a revolutionary thought for you, leastways she thinks so: some stress is good for you! Especially if you can turn your head around from oh no here it comes to bring it on! Sometimes the fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself. Not always, but sometimes. You know what the major stressors are in your life that need changing but take a look at some of the minor ones and try the bring it on reframe.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some external forces that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to bigger movement!

Word of the hour for you: moderation. Don't go overboard on this, wink wink.

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

My folks were always putting him down (down, down, down)

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMarilynMansonMonday, November 4^st, 2013.

Happy Belated Birthday to Michael, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Belated Birthday to John, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, also somewhere in (or at least near) The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally also too, Happy Belated Birthday to Sean, who additionally also too turned twenty-four this past weekend, albeit somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday also too to Charlie, who also too turned twenty-four (but, presumably, not in a tutu (also his butt, presumably, not in a tutu)) in, We just found out, WISCONSIN.  Which makes him the THIRD person We know all of a sudden in that particular state, of which, until recently, We had been blissfully unaware, except as That State Which Looks Confusingly Like Michigan, But Not As Confusingly As All Those Square States That You Can’t Tell If They’re Colorado Or Wyoming Or Some Random Dakota Other Than Fanning.

Gentle Readers with reasonably-lengthed attention spans will recall that, just this past Friday, We celebrated the twenty-fourth birthday of Jen, who is also a Wisconsonianite, and remarked upon the fact that she is sharing her state, at least temporarily, with Our friend MikeDoh, who is there competing in the preliminaries for the Miss Wisconsin Pageant, his dreams of becoming Miss Pennsylvania having recently been dashed by a differently-abled lesbian.

MikeDoh, you will further recall, is next in line to have his very own Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! “Picturing {InsertGentleReader’sNameHere} Naked” Week, immediately following Gentle Reader John from Arizona by way of Zimbabwe, whose twenty-fourth birthday was also Friday, and whose Being Pictured Naked Week will commence as soon as he opens the SitOnOurFaceBook message informing him of same.

Geography is difficult.

As is communication.

In other news, not that anyone pays any attention to Us, but, should you be unable to avoid encountering Us sometime soon for some reason, you should be aware that We are having a particularly bumpy transition into the shorter/colder days portion of Our yearly program.  KThxBye.

Changing gears completely, The Little Show That Could, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour ,  will be returning for one night only this coming Sunday, November 10 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  Get your tickets here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/499391  . Dammit.

And here is the HorrorScope:

How, you might well ask, could anyone possibly be gloomy on Loretta Swit’s birthday?

Meanwhile, if you are on SitOnMyFaceBook and you have just discovered that Phyllis Diller is dead, please shut your fucking cakehole…she died on August 20, 2012.

You’re feeling upset — and for good reason!  (Indeed…it’s nuclear winter outside, and it will be dark at four o’clock this afternoon.)

People are acting like jerks today, (On the plus side, they are mostly being jerks by omission.  Which sounds like it should be akin to jerk-offs/emission, but it isn’t.)

but there’s not much you can do about it but lick your wounds. (Honey, if We could lick Our Own wounds, We’d never leave the house.  (Of course, given the time of year it is, We may never leave the house anyway.  At least till ‘long about April or May.))

Plotting revenge is for lesser mortals than you!  (That is, oddly enough, exACTly who We are plotting Our revenge on.)

This is not the time to leap outside of your comfort zone!  (Wait…We have a comfort zone?!?)

If you are not comfortable right now, you will not be happy.  (Well, that’s that, then.)

 Your emotions are driving you to make hasty decisions (Could We make hasty pudding instead?)

that might not be in your best interests in the long run, so resist the urge to start something new. (Also, why is AssHatt still talking, when the preceding sentence pretty much summed it all up?)

Later, you can start pushing yourself a little bit — to be more bold, more emotional, whatever. (So wait…We are pushing Ourself to be more whatever?  Why?)

That’s always invigorating, but it’s also dangerous, sometimes. (Being whatever is invigorating and dangerous?  We may have to go lie down…)

Just keep yourself busy with your daily routine for now.   (We may faint from the excitement.)

 Your eagerness to pursue fun and revelry is practically irresistible. (Whatever.)

People near you may feel like they can cut loose in a way they haven’t seen since childhood.  (Don’t poop your Pampers™, people.)

You’re leading the pack in a new way! (And that’s when We fell for…The Leader Of The Pack!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Never mind the bollocks

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July Tenf, Twenny Tirteen. Happy Birthday to Lizzy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Vicki, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in MaryLand, which We’ve discussed before.  (That is, We’ve discussed Maryland before, not Vicki’s twenty-fourth birthday.  Try to keep up.

(Herewith, for the benefit of any newbies in da house, is Our previous MaryLand discussion:

{Insert WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

(Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau.  (We have no idea where that came from.  Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?))

{Insert reverse WayBack Machine sound effects here.}

))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, après les digression, Happy Birthday to Loretta, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

(It should be pointed out, for clarity and editorial accuracy’s sake, that Loretta is not the same person as LOretta, who has been mentioned in these e-pisstles before.  Even though they have now both turned twenty four at least once.  It strikes Us as slightly peculiar that We know two people named Loretta (well, technically, one person named Loretta, and one person named LOretta), and that they are both women, which adds to the confusion.  Of course, if We were (subjunctively) to travel in loftier show business circles, We might be acquainted with both Loretta Lynn and Loretta Swit, who have both now turned a hundred and seventeen at least once.  So there’s that.)

We also seem to recall having mentioned recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

As We went to Our celebrity birthday source this morning, it occurred to Us that it would be very bizarre if today turned out to be Loretta Lynn or Loretta Swit’s birthday.  Or, even bizarrer, if it turned out to be Loretta Lynn AND Loretta Swit’s birthday.

It didn’t.

So Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara.

You’re feeling even more impulsive than usual today,

(This would seem to be an excellent place for a random Sid Vicious music video:

(Whaddaya mean, “impulsive”?))

so expect some wild times as you frolic and jump from fun and games to serious silliness.  (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any gayer, it would be Charles Nelson Reilly dressed up as Liberace fistfucking Paul Lynde in a pansy patch while Judy Garland sang opera.)

Your people may not be able to keep up with you!   (Again with this delusion that We have people.)

A former romantic partner might be reappearing on the scene soon, (So, wait…people can come back from the dead?!?)

 and the feelings they stir up won’t be the ones you were expecting to feel. (Zombies have that effect on Us.  Go figger.)

They’ve taken the initiative to get back into your life, and there could be a very significant reason for it. (BRAAAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

Aren’t you curious to know what that is? (No.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Give them some of your time, but not all of your time. (At least she didn’t say, “Give them a piece of your mind”.  ‘Cause We have so few pieces left.)

Make it clear that you have boundaries that you have no intention of changing for them — at least not yet.  (Also, We’ve been wearing Our Tuesday panties since AT LEAST last Tuesday.)

You need to direct your efforts toward your work or home life today. (Well, THAT narrows it down.)

You can get plenty done, and focusing hard should feel good (That’s what she said.)

— but tonight, and over the next few days, your energy favors romance.  (Oh, great.  Once We expend all that energy blowing up the doll, We’re gonna be EXHAUSTED.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.