Welcome to VacationLand

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MoonPie™WoobyTuesday, November 20, 2012. (For the phonetically-challenged amongst you, “MoonPie™WoobyTuesday” is, of course, the Special Ed rendition of “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”.  Which is, of course of course, a song by that other band of old guys who were NOT broken up by Yoko Ono.  Yoko Ono being, a horse is a horse of course of course, a song by the Beach Boys…

Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you 
To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama 
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go 
Down to Yoko Ono 
We'll get there fast 
And then we'll take it slow 
That's where we wanna go 
Way down to Yoko Ono 

(Naturally, in order to make that joke scan properly, you pretty much have to pronounce “Yoko Ono” as “Yoko Oh No”. But We have it on good authority that that’s the way Paul McCartney always pronounced it.))

(Yes, ladies and genitals, a Beatles joke.  Now if you’ll just slap some Poli-Grip™ on one end of Us and some Depends™ on the other, We’ll go quietly into The Home.)

Actually, Eric’s Daily Horoscope will be on hiatus for several days whilst We go over the river and through the woods.  So We wanted to make sure you had plenty to remember Us by whilst We’re away.  And now that you have that Beach Boys song stuck in your heads, you shall.  You’re welcome.

(Please note that that paragraph contained two “whilsts” and a “shall”.  This shit does NOT write itself.)

In other news, Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today in one of the New Englandish states. Justin is a sort of New Age guru, an Oracle of the Light, as it (subjunctively) were.  We have not yet availed Our Own Self Personally of his services, although that is definitely on Our list for Our next trip to the Great White North.  We did, however, once Go Into The Light.  Carol Anne was in there.  She put a cigarette out on Our aura.

How many of you are now picturing Us as a dwarf?  (We’ll take outdated pop culture for $500, Alex.)

Happy Holidays from Genghis and Chaka Khan.

No, We have no idea…why do you ask?

In other other news, it seems to Us that things have been getting awfully “glass-half-full” in here lately.  So, lest you begin to imagine that The Pod People have taken over, We are going to complain.  Just so you know it’s We. (We, We, We, all the way home.):

When We make plans with you over a week in advance, and then confirm that said plans are still extant twenty-four hours in advance, you still have the option to cancel said plans, should unforeseen circumstances arise.  This requires, however, a phone call, email, text, or smoke signal to alert Us to said cancellation of said plans, so We are not left waiting for said no-longer-extant plans to commence, when there are about a two hundred and sixty-six kabillion and eleventy-twelve other things We could be accomplishing instead of waiting on your non-showing-up ass to show up.

KThxBye.

On the GlassHalfFull side, it is much more convenient to be stood up in One’s Own home than in some public venue.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

(Meanwhile, why are YouPeople still sitting there?  Do you have all of your Bo-Derek’s-Birthday shopping done?)

Your planning is going well, and you need to make sure that you’re sticking to whatever you had agreed to. (We are thinking that this particular piece of advice needs to be in SOMEBODY ELSE’S HOROSCOPE.  Bee-yotch.)

Of course, a few revisions may be called for, but you need buy-in from everyone first.  (We need SO many things.  Could We start with a winning PowerBall™ ticket?)

You can always try to plan ahead in life, but you can’t always succeed at mapping out your future down to the last minute. (Especially when other people just DON’T SHOW UP.)

So don’t get to feeling hopeless if something you really really thought was going to happen just doesn’t look like it’s going to pan out after all.  (Hmmm…sometimes things pan out… other times things peter out…do things ever Peter Pan out?)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for the Christmas holidays.)

You had things all lined up, and now you’re just going to have to line them up in a new configuration.  (How does one person line up?  Also, if a bunch of gay people stand in a row, can it still be a straight line?)

This is actually a very good day for you — you’re learning a valuable lesson at a very affordable price.  (Good, because as soon as We finishing e-pisstlizing here, We’re going SHOPPING!)

 Consider spending more time alone with your potential sweetie.  (Well, fine.  As soon as We get him inflated…)

Yes, you do have an extremely busy and fulfilling life — but you also want to make room in it for this prospect. (For some reason, this is making Us picture old prospectors.  Ya know, like from old Western movies.  With the scraggly beards, and the bad teeth…)

(Sigh.)

They’re worth keeping around.  (Because?  They’re worth.  Their weight.  In GOLD.)

(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!!)

Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you 
To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama 
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go 
Down to Yoko Ono 
We'll get there fast 
And then we'll take it slow 
That's where we wanna go 
Way down to Yoko Ono 

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Karma karma karma karma karma iguana

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirsty, December 29, 2011.  We have returned from Christmas In The Hinterlands, and We trust that you all had Merry and/or Happy HanaChristmaKwanzzicas  and Festive Festivuses (Festivii?) as well. We just dropped by to poop out a brief Epistle to the Forsythians before heading off to see TCBITWWW, who is in from the Left Coast, followed by TCDentistITWWW, in a fiasco of scheduling of Olympian proportions.  (For those who can’t read between the lines, “Forsythians” = “disciples of John Forsythe, most particularly the Dynasty years”.  “Olympian proportions” = “the size of Olympia Dukakis”.)

So didja miss Us?

The WaitStaff show was a huge success, as those of you who were actually present already know.  Look for it to return as Christmas in July  if We have anything to say about it.

Also, We are enormously proud of Our latest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video, in which Our Capricornian cameraman takes over the proceedings.  You can see it here:

And you can share it with your Capricornian friends using this:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And now, Charlene Tilton weeps for joy that We have returned to make her relevant again.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Karma swings by for a visit  (And here We are, with Our chameleon at the cleaners.)

— have you been good lately or in a past life, at least?  (Clearly, We were Genghis Khan in a past life, judging by the punishment We are receiving in this one.)

Whatever happens today is a payment of some kind, but try not to read too much into it until you’ve had time to process.  (We are so poor, We cannot even pay attention.)

 You might be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)

to discover that one of your dreams is awfully close to becoming a reality today.  (Great…all of Our dreams last night were nightmares.)

All it takes is vision — and a plan for how to proceed.  (Two other things We don’t have.)

You need someone to give you a little push, (So We need a pusher?)

but you can keep yourself swinging after that. (A pusher, a swinger, and a candlestick maker.)

(No, We have no idea.)

So if you’ve been in a thick fog about how you are going to approach this goal, have a short conversation early on today with someone who’s been there before. (The fog is so thick, We are peeing soup. (We’re pretty sure it’s minestrone.))

They will help get a few ideas percolating.  (Peeing soup, percolating coffee…the taffy pull should begin any minute now.)

(We already told you, We have no idea.)

You’ll see a pathway! (THROUGH the pee soup fog?)

Love karma alert!  (Oh, shut up.)

It’s time to pour some selfless, gorgeous energy into the world. (Yeah, We’ll get right on that.)

 It’s when you expect nothing in return that you get all the sweet stuff. (We’ve been expecting nothing for so long, We should have everything by now.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

All We are is dust in the wind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  30 Rock’s Tina Fey, October 20 2011.  Is this thing on?    Can you hear Us now?  Happy belated birthday to Our Aunt B, who turned twenty-four on Monday.   In other news, the world continues to get weirder and weirder, so We thought We’d better check in with all y’all, as We are well aware that We are your Beacon Of Normalcy.  How We doin’ so far?

We are still unclear as to what caused the glitch in Our sitch yesterday (although We DO have a finger on the pulse of the itch in Our snatch (that there was a little stealth vulgarity…it snuck up on ya.  Sorryboutit.)), but thanks to Our Daughter for her efforts to explain.  We notice that the next holiday to arrive will be Monday’s Labour Day In New Zealand; perhaps you’d like to buy Mummy a new computer as a Labour Day In New Zealand present.

In still other news, it being mid-October and all, naturally We have Our nose to the grindstone, Our shoulder to the wheel, Our nipples to the wind, and Our tits akimbo working on The WaitStaff’s Most Spectaculah Christmas Show EVAH.  It is SO spectacular that it doesn’t even have a name yet  (someone suggested “Englebert”; that person will not be appearing in the show), but We did so want to give you the earliest available Heads Up (Heads Up WHAT?) to Save The Date: Tuesday, December 20, 8PM at Helium Comedy Club.  You’re welcome, and see you there.

Englebert HumpADuck.  (That just came to Us, and We didn’t know what to do with it, so We thought We’d just throw it out there.  Because We give, and give, and give. You’re welcome, AGAIN.)

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra continues apace; you can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

And We did, in fact, shoot two more episodes on Sunday, one of which should be appearing anon.  (“Anon” is one of those Shakespeare words; it means “whenever the fuck it’s damn well ready; wait for it, bitches”.)

Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that someone arrived on these hallowed pages yesterday by Googling “why did they take the almonds out of Rice-A-Roni™ fried rice”.  Way to ask the hard questions, InterNetz Newb.  Although We are pretty sure that, in these parts, We’ve only ever referred to it as “flied lice”.  Also, We have had Our first-ever reader from Botswana.   And no, We’re not making either of those things up.

In other news, We are supposed to be wearing purple today in support of the anti-bullying movement.  (We are currently wearing Our bathrobe.  And Our Tuesday panties.  Neither of which is purple. (You’re pixturing Us now, aren’t you?  Cheeky monkey.))  Although We are not in front of Our closet right now, We cannot think of a single thing We own that’s purple. (BOY clothes, Ducks; We’re not going to the Ack-A-Me in chiffon cocktail dress and pearls.)

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Jello™ wrestling with Genghis Khan versus Chaka Khan.  With Bill Cosby as the referee.  And LaToya Jackson as The Beaver. (Okay, that?  Was funny on so many levels, We may not even finish this HorrorScope…JUST KIDDING!) Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Make sure you’re moving as much as you can today (Do Our bowels count?)

— things are developing, (We were about to make a joke about trying to be positive, not bringing up negatives, then We realized that there is now a whole generation of chirren who don’t even know what negatives ARE.  Sigh.  We are very, very old.)

and you need to be in the thick of it all. (Was that a fat joke?)

Your great energy (Have We met?)

helps you to make the most of every opportunity.  (Every opportunity, and its knockers.)

(That joke never gets old.)

Some folks have been eager to tell you how to run your life, (Really? Because We are fully dilated and wide OPEN to suggestions.  (Unless they’re stupid.  Or annoying.  Or involve, ya know, CHANGE.))

but they don’t have as much insight as you think. (The blind leading the blind, the wined leading the dined. Kiss Us quick, We’re Stephen Sondheim’s hairdresser.)

Sure, it is nice of them to offer you advice, but no one knows what you need better than you do. (Johnny Depp’s home phone number.)

You are in control, (Not even remotely.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

so don’t hesitate to remind people of that fact.  (He who hesitates, masturbates.)

If a controversial choice seems like the right move today, go for it! (Fine.  If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be having an abortion.)

You don’t have to answer to anyone except yourself.  (But if We answer Ourself in public, people will think We’re crazy.  Especially if We’re wearing a purple chiffon cocktail dress and pearls.)

Take the wheel and keep going down the road.  (That particular bit of advice will probably work out better if We take the whole CAR.)

Today is a great one to do something spontaneous!  (Fine.  At 2:45, We’ll do something spontaneous.  What should it be?)

Take the afternoon off for some fun in the sun, (Or some pain in the rain. Or some blow in the snow.)

or plan an adventure with friends. (Yeah, that’ll work.)

Get involved! (Or get evolved.  Or get revolved.  Or get your tires rotated.  (What does that even mean?  (And why does it sound so dirty?)))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.