Oh, the weather outside is F*&%$#

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, December Tenf, 2013.

SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that it is nobody’s birthday today.  Meanwhile, the site from which We obtain Our celebrity birthday information would like Us to know that the most popular celebrity born today is Raven Symone of That’s So Raven fame, followed, in the second-most-popular spot, by poet Emily Dickinson.  Our Dilbert™ calendar would like Us to know that it is Human Rights Day, and We are thinking that, on any day when the first and second most popular celebrities are Raven Symone and Emily Dickinson, We should all have the human right to stay the hell in bed with the covers pulled over Our heads.

In other news, in case you hadn’t heard, it is snowing outside.  Again.  Some more. (And may We just mention, mais oui, that it is not yet even winter.)  We trust that you did a good enough job of stocking up on eggs, bread, milk, and toilet paper for Sunday’s snow that you do not need to go out again for today’s, and that you can just stay in your homes, eat French toast, and shit yourself with reckless abandon.

It occurs to Us that the longer We sit here typing this, the longer We can avoid going out to shovel snow.  This is gonna be a long one.  (That being, clearly, what SHE said.)

Speaking of long ones, over the past month or so, We’ve celebrated Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week, Picturing Peter’s Peter Week, Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit Week, and Picturing Blair (And Ren (And Chad)) In The Buff Week. (Who, Us?  Obsessed?  Whatever do you peen?....er, MEAN, whatever do you MEAN?)

In the course of each of those weeks, We made several announcements that prizes would be awarded for the submission via sext, SitOnMyFaceBook message, or smoke signal of pictures of the private parts in question.

Those prizes remain, as yet, unclaimed.  Last chance, gentlemen…stop making angels in the snow, put a couple extra marshmallows and a shot of bourbon in your hot chocolate, and Make. Starzina’s.  Day.

Now you’re picturing Starzina’s Clint Eastwood impression…is there no LIMIT to the entertainment We provide you?  All free in your morning email…

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

In addition to That’s So Raven and Emily DICK-in-Son, it is also Susan Dey’s birthday.  Apparently, Susan Dey now looks like Miss Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies.

(Don’t look now, but there was a subliminal dick joke in the preceding paragraph.)

This is a fine time (To leave me, Lucille?)

(Sorry.)

to close out old projects, but not so much for starting on new ones. (So, wait…today’s snow is new snow…so shoveling it would be a new project…so it would seem that this particular asstromalogical horoscopulation would be prohibiting Us from shoveling snow.   Fine.  We’ll just sit here and wait for the spring thaw.)

See if you can get your coworkers to ease up, (Failing that, try to get ‘em to GREASE up.)

as you should have a pretty full plate for the time being.  (Was that a fat joke?)

It’s been days since you’ve been in the mood  (That’s not true…We’re ALWAYS in a mood.)

to go out and socialize, and you’re worried. (Should it worry Us that We’re worried?  And that “worry” and “worried” are such weird words?  And that “weird” and “wired” are so similar?  And that Burt Ward had a huge penis?)

(We just slipped that last bit in there to see if you were paying attention.  And to weed out the naked skimmers.)

Could this be a permanent thing for you?  (Which twin has the Toni™?)

(If you understood that, you’re old.)

(You’re welcome.)

Nah. (“Nah.”?  “NAH.”?!?  Centuries of the evolution of literature, all to reach this moment, and “Nah”.)

(Jeebus.)

This, too, shall pass (Like gas out your asss…)

— by late tonight, and that’s a promise.  (Actually, it’s a fart joke.  But call it whatever you want…)

At that point, the stars slip out of the comfy-cozy jammies they’ve been wearing in your house of secrets, and are ready, willing and able to make up for any lost time. (Okay, who gave Kelli the magic mushrooms?)

So, as per usual, (Asperger’s Syndrome.)

expect to be burning the candle at both ends as you party on down. (Euphemisms…they’re not just for breakfast any more.)

  Quit living like a shark! (When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette till you bang Doris Day.)

You’re sure to be fine even if you stand still. (Hmmm.  Somehow, We’re pretty sure that “stand still in a landfill” will never replace “rock out with your cock out”.  Just sayin’.)

Though multi-tasking may be your best asset, it’s still time to stop rushing from thing to thing. (Are We talking Thing One and Thing Two, or just generic things?)

Just focus on your love life!  (But We don’t HAVE an electron microscope…)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

The animals, the animals, let’s talk dirty to the animals! Fu(k you, Mister Bunny!

                                        

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, March 30, 2011.  Happy birthday to Aileen, who turns twenty-four today, and also to Mark, who also also turns twenty-four today.  Funny how that works.  It occurs to Us that We know ALMOST enough twenty-four –year-olds, including Us Our Own Self Personally, to take over the world.  But, having seen the world recently, We are smart enough not to bovver.

You may have noticed that We did not publish an installment of Erix Daily Horoscope yesterday.  (More likely, you skipped blithely through your day without giving Us a second thought, but We are giving you the petit four of the gout, you blithe day skipper you.)  We started to, We had picked a pixture (and also a peck of pickled peckers) but then We decided We couldn’t be arsed. A fit of ennui overcame Us, as fits of ennui are wont to do. (Lawdy, it sho’ am poetical in here this mawnin’.  We feel JUST like Emily Dickinson.  (Well, We feel like SOMEBODY’S dick in SOMEBODY’S son, but that’s neither here nor Barbara McNair.))

But today We’re back, from outer space, We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.  Oh, you ALWAYS look like that?  How sad for YOU.  And, lest We forget, Happy Hump Day!  May your humps be Mary and bright, and may all your humptresses be white.  (Now that We see it in black and white, as it (subjunctively) were, that song is a little bit racist, no?)

Wow, now We’re REALLY clutching at straws.  (Actually, We’re clutching Our pearls and clutching Our clutch purse, but clutching at straws is so much more litter-airy.  Especially when there’s a big ol’ line of cocaine at the end of the straw.  (Ooops…was that the outside voice?))

Is “clutching Our clutch purse” redundant?  And how odd does “clutch” look when you see it over and over again?

Don’t forget to make your reservations to laugh at Himself and his little friends on April Fool’s Day:  http://thewineroom.com/wineroom.cfm?t=main&p=main  .  We hear there’s All The Wine You Can Drink.  And trust Us, We’ve SEEN YouPeople drink.  Also, We hear that, in the spirit of April Fool’s Day, The Universe is planning to throw a big snowstorm in Our honor.  So there’s that.  Fu(king Universe.

Meanwhile, We enjoyed this so much the other day, We thought We’d do it again.  (And, apparently, again, and again, and again. (We figger We might as well amuse Our Own Self.)):

And so, without Maya Angelou:

Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror.
Little ‘Scope, little ‘Scope of Horrors.
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!

(Before Our Favorite Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) begins ass(tromalogically) ho(roscopulating) (did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We even knew what We were talking about),  We would like to point out that at no point during today’s ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations) does herself point out that later today, We will be entering Mercury Retrograde.  Nor does she ever reveal what  Mercury Retrograde would translate to in Fahrenheit.  Ass hat.)

Today is a reflection of the past, (Misty water-colored memories of the way We were…(Please understand that you were supposed to hear that, not as performed by Barbra Streisand, but as performed by Gilda Radner as Lisa Loopner.  It will, consequently, be so funny you forget to laugh.))

but that doesn’t mean you’re trapped in a loop. (How can you tell it’s an endless loop…endless loop…endless loop….endless loopner…?)

If you don’t like where you are, (What’s not to like?  We’re in OurHovelWhereWeLive, wearing Our housecoat and Our bunny slippers, banging this keyboard like an old screen door while We sip coffee and eat bonbons.  Himself is snoring away in his bed while visions of sugarplums dance in his head, and who taught all those sugarplums to dance like that anyway?  It’s like the finale of fu(king A Chorus Line , but with sugarplums.  Jeebus.)

perform acts of kindness to improve your karmic balance. (If you’re REALLY kind to Us, later on We’ll show you Our karmic chameleon.)

Things should pick up soon!  (That’s right, Kelli!  Because, as soon as you put an exclamation point after a statement, it automatically makes it true! Instantly, emphatically true! And so, as god is Our witness, it must follow as the night the day, you!  Are! An Asshat!)

 Paying attention (We are too poor to pay attention.)

 to your most intriguing inner visions is crucial right now. (“Crucial” is for old fuddy-duddies. Us modern types say “clutch”.)

(Fuddy-Duddy was a bear.

Fuddy-Duddy had no hair.

‘Cause Fuddy-Duddy used some Nair™,

‘Specially on his derrière.)

(We feel another children’s book coming on.)

(Speaking of children’s books, in all seriousness, We would very much like to find an illustrator and self-publish Little Miss Prisspot.  Anybody?  Beuller?)

You have dreams, goals and ideas that deserve to be pulled into the real world — (We could really do without the giving birth metaphor…We don’t need your grabby hands up Our cooter, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

 people should know about what you are seeing when you close your eyes. (Eyelids, mostly.  What’s your point?)

Draw, paint, sketch, write down or even just describe what it is that you want. (See, We’re pretty sure that, if you draw your own winning PowerBall™ ticket, it doesn’t actually win.  Also, you get arrested.  For, ya know, fraud.  And for being poetic without a poetic license. And stuff like that there.)

Someone you talk to today can help you make it a reality (Oh, sure.  But can they help Us make it a reality TELEVISION SHOW?)

— and help you enter a new phase.  (See, now you’re sitting there thinking about Our moon.  And We feel very, very sorry for you.)

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. (In that case, you might as well just crown Us queen right this very minute.)

Today you’re feeling frustrated (It is, after all, a day ending in Y.)

and possibly unable to get anything accomplished. (Alternatively, the period could go after “anything” and the sentiment would be the same.)

Don’t fight it (“It” being, of course, “da funk”.)

(Get. Down…Boogie-Oogie-Oogie.)

— just make it a lazy day and let yourself just chill. (Chillin’ like Bob Dylan, yo.)

(We have no idea.  Just move on.)

Tonight, make a date with a favorite movie and some ice cream. (Ah, the old ménage a trois with Ben and Jerry.  And their new flavor, Hershey Highway.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.